Okay, okay, I will go to Vegas and have a good time! You know, I don't think I threatened to make H declare undying love. I think I did it to hurt, to lash out. To punish. And that is sooo unforgiving of me.
I know that my H is hungry to be loved unconditionally. He has even said that to me. I have in the past taken his comments as another way of saying "let me do whatever I want". But now I do think he wants acceptance from me and I have not been giving it to him.
I realise I wnat H to beg for my forgiveness and say how sorry he is that he hurt me and that he will never do it again. I think by taking my abuse and staying still he has said he loves me. In the early days after the a. although H would not admit to an a. he did say he was sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me and that it would never happen again. I suppose I also want admission. I don't think I will ever get that.
I was talking to close GF today and said that part of reason I wnated H to admit was to find out why it happened, what was lacking in our M, in what I was giving him to make him go there.
ANd she said "But he has told you many times". And she is right. H has told me I am negative, I only see the hole and not the donut, that I made and make everything a problem. And I did in the past. I feel I have made many changes that are unappreciated by H.
But I think i have kept beating him over the head with the a and the whole drama stuff. GF says I give him stress and she would have left long ago. I need to find a way to not be agressive and constantly think H is trying to take advantage of me. Thank you for the support I needed it.
