Journalling- Went to my T on Wednesday. She says I am afraind to move forward and asked me to do a SWOT of that issue. That is, Strenghts, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats.
She also pointed out that although I kept saying I did not want to fight with H before he left. His going on trip alone was a big issue for me and pushed many of my buttons re- trust, fear, fear of abandonment, rejection etc.
So I do see how I played the whole thing. Now that I have calmed down I realise I have no proof of an A. Okay someone, most likely female is giving him gifts of expensive clothing.
Having reviewed our conversations and all that has been goign on for the last few months my instincts are that some old GF or someone is giving H gifts. I feel he is not involved with them and is just taking the gifts. He says I need to trust him.
H does not understand that he has to earn or regain my trust. He feels his word should be good enough. I mean how ridiculous is that!!!???
I don't know if I am in major denial but thing is that I really haven't felt that H was up to anything. But then I am not with him 24/7.
I did the SWOT and have come to a realisation. I have had a constant battle between what I feel I should do. That is walk away instantly and forever. Punish H. How dare he do this to ME! Show him that I will not tolerate this.
I was raised by a mother who divorced after a hellish 20yr. M where there were constant fighting, physical abuse, alcoholism and frequent separations. My mom is a bitter person. Look I am not laying this at her door. Just explaining that she did nto want that for her Ds and kept telling us not to let men take advantage of us. SHe said to one of my GFs that a husband is a milstone around your neck.
Okay so that's in my mind as the scenario in a case of infidelity and what i always told H I would do. Yet the truth is that after horrible betrayal. I still love him. I still want him. I still want to be married to him. I can't envisage my life without him.
Don't get me wrong I know that I can perfectly well live and have a decent standard of living without him. But I don't want it. I know I will be miserable and unhappy without him. I don't want to be divorced, alone and unhappy.
Through all this I have never felt that H did not love me. But I was/am truly stuck by what I felt I as a self respecting woman ought to do and what my heart wanted to do.
I have realised that I don't want to be without H. How do I deal with this? For now realising this is all I can do. I have another session with the T tomorrow.
I called H and told him I would meet him in Vegas. He says the ILY etc. at end on conversation and seemed to want to talk but....
BTW he was the one who asked if I was coming to Vegas.
