I don't know what happened but today I am angry, sad, depressed. I feel like crying, screaming, smashing something. Yesterday H and I went to the beach. We were fine. We did not have any long R talks as there had been no major negative events.
First time in 3 wks that we have gotten through a week without a major backslide from me. As I told you guys I am trying hard not to backslide before H leaves for his business trip on Wednesday.
I don't know what happened. Last evening H went to get us some food. I stayed in the car. I'm looking at H through the window and wondering how he could have betrayed me so. As matter of fact I was thinking this on the drive back home. Looking at him and wondering if I really know him at all.
I started thinking how H must have been laughing at me behind my back, how he msut think he had me fooled, how he must be just using me to make his life comfortable. You know the good W at home and all the cake he wants on the outside.
I started thinking about the women's phone numbers I saw in H's phone. Now I remember that all this started when I mentioned my new secretary's name. She has the same name as a name I saw in h's phone which he lied about (I think).
And the thoughts started from there. I felt H must be remembering this girl who from her name must be quite young etc. etc. I got home thinking that although H erased all the numbers from his phone they must be somewhere and that he is still contacting these ow.
I suspected it was in his diary. Cuz he always has that thing with him. I thought I would snoop in it. I didn't get the chance although I remember looking in it last year and not finding anything.
I then tried to hack into H's email. I got completely crazy. I felt this rage overwhelm me. I felt like I hate H and want him out of my life.
I wondered if I really love H or is he just convenient like i must be for him. Do I even know what love is.
I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered who would wnat me? I was not feeling in a good place.
Pouring it all out here somehow makes me feel a little better. I think I am angry at myself for not having the life I want. I feel that everyone thinks i am a fool for staying with H including H. ANd that its just a matter of time before he does it again if he isn't already.
I am stuck home doing housework today while H is out with his hunting buddies and my best GF is at a spa with her other fancy friends. Okay I am having a pity party for one.
