Thanks for the advice. I suspect my H would feel pressured. I will think about this for a while. Don't know that its a good idea right now. Thanks guys.
Forgot to add, I will start reading it again on my own.
I feel very anxious today. Under a lot of pressure at work but don't think that's it. During our R talks over the weekend H said words to the effect that he's not doing anything and getting grief so he feels like he should jsut give up and do whatever he wants and to hell with how i feel about it.
He went on to say he does not want to do that because it will mean the end of our M. I am afraid. Because I have thought a lot about what led to the a. and think it happened partly because i gave H such a hard time over looking at and being friendly with ows.
Please note his friendliness was not inappropriate. I now realise that my H likes attention and likes to be noticed by ow. I think my harrassing him constantly about this stuff led to his cheating.
I mean he did what he wanted to do yes, but my behaviour played a part. I am afraid that my backsliding now will cause a similar sitch.
I know how hard it is to hear those words from h. Chock it up to him feeling overwhelmed and a bit down...not a doomsday sitch to be sure!
Sounds like kicking up appreciation for what he IS doing is called for. One thing that really helped me was noting some positives every day and then being sure to offer h verbal appreciation for them...something simple as "thanks for taking out the garbage, it really lightened my load" makes a huge difference.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage thanks for the insight. I need to not panic when H talks like that and remember that he may feel overwhelmed too.
Martha, I started reading LLs but did not finish. Not exactly sure what my H's LLs are. Think may be AOS and WOA. Mine is definitely WOA and QT.
Something I wanted to Journal. This am H went into his private email and then called me over to help him send it on to his office email. And there in the favourite contacts list was name of an old GF and an email address I did not know.
I did not say anything and just helped H send the email and then went about getting ready for work.
I was of course mentally trying not to ASSUME anything or go into panic mode. H called me over again to read a joke on the email. When I finished reading it he said "X" ie old GF sent it to me.
He went on to explain that it had been there since 2002 and he had kept it cause he thought it was funny. He also said that old GF used to send him jokes and he would not respond. Then he said he used to respond and say it was funny or if he liked it and then stopped doing that.
He also said she emailed last year saying that she was getting married and he had not responded. He explained that he knew I would have seen her name in his favorite contacts and he did not want me panicking and getting upset.
He also said that other email address is his D19 who lives in London and who he communicates with regularly. I was relieved that H would go to such an effort to reassure me as i really was kicking into panic mode.
Hopeful - More than anything else, you need a GAL plan. Seems like H has no 'surprises' from you, and is able to predict your moves. Spice things up a bit, make him wonder - just once a week will do the trick.
In addition to validating, a little mystery goes a looong way
Good to hear from you. You know I know I need to GAL but here's the thing. H will often comment that I play a game of one upmanship, that is, once he is out of the house I am out of the house.
In the past I agree I did do that. I would not stay at home. I had this thing about being the "little woman" at home while H was out having a good time with friends and may be there were hot single women there who were not the boring W at home.
I resisted this image as much as possible and was also angry that H did not want to spend time with me as I saw it. Plus I think H wanted me to be home when he got there. Since the bomb dropped i am at home on a Saturday.
H comes home much earlier on a Saturday and will mostly call if he is going elsewhere. One Sunday recently he went to the firing range to practice shooting (he's into stuff like that). I was not too happy but told H that maybe I would go to the beach with a GF or alone (the weather's nice here).
I decided not to go anywhere because I didn't really feel like it and I did not want to continue this one up thing. H came home earlier than I expected, called on his way home and seemed quite happy that I was at home.
When he got home he commented that he had not expected that I would be at home and thought for sure I would have gone off somewhere.
I do sometimes (rarely) go out with GF. Today we had a telephone guy coming in to hook up a high speed internet access. Last night H was saying that the house is a mess and that I am disorganised.
He said that the house is in a state yet I take every opportunity to go out and never say let me stay at home and fix this.
Now I think this was an unfair comment. I had just finished ironing H's shirts for work. I keep the rest of the house quite clean in addition to working a very demanding job.
I do have a clutter problem to which H contributes.
Anyway that is my long story to say that I get conflicting messages from H. Should I GAL or should I stay at home.
I guess i get frustrated because I sometimes feel H wants me to be superwoman. The house is clean. The bathrooms are clean. OUr bedroom is clean. The kitchen is clean. Its the computer room and the guest room that are in a state.
I have all my many books and papers lying about the computer room and the laundered clothes for ironing end up in the guest room.
H's mom is a clean freak and would think her house was filthy if she were away for a week and a little dust settled on the furniture. Maybe he gets it from her.
In first 2yrs of M we fought constantly about the housework if we did not have a housekeeper. Because H would not do anything except make a bigger mess(this is a guy who would throw his garbage in the sink cuz it was too much work to open the cupboard door and throw it in the garbage container).
I remember one time we did not have a housekeeper and the house was fine but the ironing piled up. I was quite proud that I was managing so well. Well, H came home one day, said the house was upside down, and took all his unironed clothes to the laundry.
He later told me it cost him $200 to have all the stuff laundered and I should do the ironing and not let that happen again.
H has changed a lot since then. He will help clean up. Will empty the garbage, wash dishes and does the laundry, except for the ironing.
I do the sweeping, mopping, bedmaking, bathroom cleaning, ironing and most of the dish washing.
I just get all these mixed messages from H. IT does not help who he chose to have the a with. I asked H if he wanted me to quit and be a housewife. He says its not a problem with him if I do and he can support me.
He seemed quite keen on it for a while and then said I would get depressed being in the house and it would turn into a problem for him so I should not quit.
Also H has his own business so can come and go as he pleases. On a morning he would want me to type emails for him or look for something on the internet for him.
In the evening he wants to go to the beach as he loves to swim. He would invite me with him but would want to leave work early.
I don't like the stress of my job and would like to do somehting else. I have some ideas and have taken small, very small steps toward doing them. I would like to leave the job but now H says no don't do it.
Maybe he is right. If I leave I will be at H's mercy in terms of money. That's not a good idea. Anyway this is just my rant for today.
It's easy to get frustrated about the housework issue. I understand completely. Are there some 180's you could do in this area to break the chain?
Quote: I don't like the stress of my job and would like to do somehting else. I have some ideas and have taken small, very small steps toward doing them.
If you are thinking about a career change, then what's the hold-up???? No time like the PRESENT, gf! Go for it! It'd be good for your GAL strategies. To hell with what H says about you leaving or not leaving your current job.
Tell me, what are your plans? What would you like to be doing in terms of your career? Going back to school? Tell all!
Tell all you say. Well I manage a department for an "important" organisation. The stress is just not what I want in my life. I feel that I need a more creative outlet. For a long time I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do.
I like interior design and thought that that might be a possibility. I signed up for an Internet short course. I have not started it yet. You can go at your own pace.
I do understand H's concern. I left my old job in 2002 and started up my own business.In between when I left the job and started the business- 2 mths- I got serious cabin fever. I felt depressed and missed having an office and a job title.
I was anxious to go back to work. H got the brunt of it so I guess he doesn't want to go thru that again. Recently he was all for it and then when we had a backslide he said if I stayed at home I would expect him to entertain me and get angry if he was not always there with me.
I see his point. Thing is I also want to be independent financially. So I will try the interior decorating course and see how that goes.
BTW I have been reading John Gottmans Seven Principles of a Successful Marriage. It is a real eye opener.
It talks about the reasons Ms fail. AN interesting aspect. He talks about complaining turning into criticism and contempt and how defensiveness also sends the message that you are right and spouse is wrong.
It is quite helpful to me as it helped to explain what happened with the talk H and I had last night about the clutter issue.
Gottman says that sarcastic or contemptuous remarks signal to your spouse that you are disgusted with them and this makes it difficult for them to respond positively to your complaint.
He also says men are masters at stonewalling and that this is because they are biologically more stressed by marital conflict than women.
