I wanted to let you know. I tried the validating thing. And IT WORKS!!! I really didn't think it would. But it actually does. Another poster had explained it that when you counter what your H may say with " yes, but..." or try to defend your position off the bat it looks like your're really saying: "I'm right and you are wrong".
On Friday H and I went to the beach in the evening after work. H loves to swim. And he started an R talk ( I notice he likes to do this at those times). He basically said that he questions the future of our R when I dump on him like I did with the " if this happens again I will D you" stuff.
He says when he starts to feel that things are good with us this happens. I validated and it really helped. I also told H how when he says that he questions our future i feel like he's saying he wants to end it all.
H and I had a good talk. But he brought it up again on Sunday and says he wonders if he will ever have a happy M and if I will ever forget October. He says it frustrates him because he knows he's not up to anything now.
The hard part of this for me is that when I got suspicious and started questioning H he denied it and said how much he loved me and that there was no one else etc. And he was at that point in the middle of the a.
Anyway the positives are that we talked on Sunday. I was telling H about my aunt and her H who had had an a and who my aunt discovered was still talking to this woman every day years later.
I told my H that the funny thing was that my aunt's H had bought a new home and had begged my aunt to go live there with him when she wanted to not go with him.
My H talked about my aunt's H looking to someone else for "comfort" but still loving his W. Then my H talked about the importance of keeping a M on an even keel and having the best M you could so that when temptations arose you would weigh what you wanted to do more carefully.
I think my H was basically saying that if he were happier in the M the a would not have happened. He said he feels as if nothing he does pleases me and that I make everything a problem.
I think my H was very spoiled at home and in his 1st M. He expects no problems whatsover or that they will end quickly. He hates conflict and will do a lot to avoid it (such as having an a rather than talking to your W about problems in your M!)
I tried explaining to H that its only been 8mths since the bomb and that i have really been trying but that sometimes it does overwhelm me and I was afraid of it happening again.
From H's point of view it is the first time he is trying instead of walking away. I think he is also not cheating and he wants acknowledgement of that and praise and not a hard time which he feels is what he is getting from me.
Okay I have rambled but for 1st time I feel more hopeful as H talked about a happy M helping to keep things affair proof (if possible). In past I was very afraid H was just chronic cheater as he always claimed he was happy in our M.
But beginning to realise that H will not confront and does nto want to confront me about problems in the M. His resentment and hostility jsut builds up and comes out the way it did.
Martha, an interesting point- H mentioned that a guy he was talking too mentioned M/V and how men really are from Mars and women from Venus as women want to be told they are loved all the time. (did cross my mind it it really was a guy who told him this)
ANyway- I was wondering if he really would read the book with me and wanted some ideas on how I could suggest it to H and how often and how any one who read the book with their H did it. WOuld welcome any suggestions.
