Good to hear from you. I was getting quite worried. It is amazing how being self aware helps you to see your own behaviour. Stopping the negative reactions is another thing entirely. It is very hard to do.
I would welcome any comments on what I did last night and this morning.
Okay the truth is this all started at my C's office. I said that I had stopped worrying about whether H would cheat again and that if he did I trusted that I would find out and would make a decision then.
I have thought a lot about that since the session. And I asked myself what I would really do. Okay, I know exactly how the triggers arose in my mind.
We live an a very close knit townhouse community. The neighbour across the way has her young, very attractive niece staying with her. Recently, the day H was giving me a hard time about the gray hairs, the housekeeper there asked if we could give this girl a lift into the city.
I don't usually go into work with H but we had decided to do that as we were going out together later that afternoon. This was on Friday last. I was quite uncomfortable with the girl anywhere near H. Does any one want to say TRUST ISSUES!!!!
Anyway we took her into the city with us. H and I had a good conversation on the way. The girl didn't say where she was getting off. As H turned toward my office I asked where she was getting off.
Okay I was not leaving H alone in the vehicle with her. I know this is utterly stupid cause if he wanted to do anything he did not have to do it then. Also it could have turned out that I was nto there the day she asked for a lift and H would have been alone with her anyway. It could happen in the future.
Anyway H commented that evenign when we were out that he noticed that i was not comfortable with having the girl in the car. I lied and said no and then i told the truth that yes I was uncomfortable.
Anyway Idid not make a big deal about it because it was not H's fault the girl was with us. He did not act inappropriately or anything.
But that got me thinking- what if H did start up an a with this girl? What would I do? WOuld I forgive him again? Would I stay with him?
However I looked at it I realised that such a sitch would make me realise that however much I loved H and however much he was a good H otherwise, this would be a deal breaker.
I also acknowledged to myself that I could be happy with someone else. Not H but not with H's crap either. This makes me sad to write...
Monday night, H's karate night, when in past i have suspected him of seeing ow, H came home late. Class ends at 6.45pm. Its 10mins away from home. H got home at 7.54pm.
I have been upset since then. Add to that that H has slept on the floor and not on the bed since Monday (he says he has a bad back) and in past I saw this as stuff H was doing in throes of the a.
I felt that after a good weekend H was pulling away from me. I told H I did not want him sleeping on the floor last pm. I eventually relented when I realised we both weren't getting any sleep.
Anyway finally to get to what I did. This am I came into work with H. He was running late for an appointment and asked me to call the person and let them know. I picked up H's cell phone and dialed. I made a mistake and somehow went into another aspect of the phone.
H was right there in the car with me. I was not snooping or prying. I couldn't get out of the feature on the phone. H takes the phone and says "how did you go in there, what were you doing?"
H then hands phone back to me and tells me to dial the number, and he makes comment that he knows i get myself into trouble with the phone looking for things i should not be looking for.
I really got p'od. But I did not blow up at H. I told him that he was the one who got into trouble with the phone. The whole discovery of teh a was triggered by my finding women's numbers in H's cell phones and that they were calling him on a Saturday and he was callign them just before he left work- I'm thinking arranging rendevous.
And of course I found out about the a because ow dialled my cell from H's phone while they were together (in the biblical sense!!!).
Anyway I then said to H you mean other people got you into trouble with your phone. H just laughed like a naughty boy caught doing something naughty.
I couldn't help it. I called H after he dropped me off to work and told him that I was not threatening him but I wanted him to know -- I told him about my mulling over vist to the C's office and the issue I was thinking of
I told H that I did not want to hurt him but I needed him to know that he had had only one "get out of Jail free" card and that he had already used it.
H as usual said he had not done anything and I thought he had. He then made a joke and said that he did not want to lose the card so he had used it.
I told him that in the past I had thought I could only love him but that I now knew that it was possible to find love with someone else.
I also told H that as much as I loved him, he seemed to think this was all a joke and that i needed him to know that if he did this again our M would be over.
I told H that it was not a threat as I could not control him that way and that he would do whatever he wanted to do but that i needed him to know what hte consequence would be.
I told H it was very hard for me that the choice was left in his hands but that was the way it was.
H said if I needed to get it off my chest okay but that we could only worry about the now not the future.
I probably shouldn't have done it. Maybe it is more of my " I will leave you". But I need him to know that he hasn't "gotten away" with anything and that I will not accept this as a way of life or condone it.
