Thanks for dropping in on my thread! Martha you are #1! P_S, the forgiveness thing has been a hard road for me. My MC told me that I need to decide when I was going to put the "sword" away, meaning when was I goign to stop beating H over the head with the a.
It has been hard, but when I realised I was only sabotaging the good times and bringing this ow to life in all my interactions with H , I knew I had to stop. Things in the M have been good lately. Enjoying that has been hard because you get so afraid you'll be hurt again or things will go bad.
But it you do that you never enjoy the good times. So I am working on forgiving, not only for H but for me as well.
One thing I have realised in the past few months is my tendency to blame H or "take it out" on him when things aren't going well for me.
I realised this one day when H and I had gone on a hike. He is much more athletic than I am. But I wanted to go I was having fun and the whole day had been planned by H for my enjoyment.
But on the way back my old knees really started to hurt. I was upset and angry and I noticed that I was casting about in my mind for who was to blame for the fix I found myself in.
It was quite a revelation to me to notice myself doing that.
I mention it because I caught myself doing it again on Sunday. H and I had gone walking and then were heading to the beach and I was hungry and not feeling so great.
I started to get irritable. I realised why and just told H I needed to get something to eat and all was well.
In the past I would have started being mean to H and he would have gotten angry and you know the rest.
So this is me learning not to crap on my H when I don't feel so good.
Another thing I am working on- H has a habit of poking fun at me in what I would consider a hurtful way. Recently I found some gray hairs and H has been merciless about it.
In the past I would have gotten upset at H's insensitivity. But something H said made me realise that he is merely acting out his own fears about aging and its a way to shore up his own self esteem.
I think H sometimes feels that I am head and shoulders above him on some level. And these digs are a way to bring me down to his level.
H is generally kind and considerate with me otherwise. So noticing why he is doing something has made it easier to deal with and if I don't make a big deal of it the poking stops.
Ok there are some negatives but they have to do with my wondering if H is cheating still or if there is ow in picture. My gut says no but my head says beware.
I am trying not to focus on those things for now. Okay guys thats it for now.
