Things have changed a lot in my sitch, so I felt the need for a new thread. Old thread here: They do come back!.
I just want to pull out all my hair and dissolve into a crying, blubbering mess on the floor.
I love my husband. I don't know why. But I know that I do. And I know I want to stay married to him. Even after all the lies. Even after everything he did to me.
But why? Do I really love him that much? Or am I just holding on to what we had once, and who he was once, as he thinks? Why do I feel such an intense need to make this work? Why?
I must ask myself this a million times a day. I have no answer. Except that it's what I feel. In my heart, it's what I feel I should do.
*sigh*
Ok. Now for the recap:
- Me 25, H 25 - Married young, at 18 - 2 kids, ages 6 and 3 - While deployed last year, H started telling me how he realized he still loved me and always had, shouldn't have ever left, is ready to be my husband again, does't NEED me in his life, but WANTS me in his life, etc etc. - 3/05 H returns from deployment in Iraq - H comes up for 1st visit - I read his email, (I know, I know) and find emails between him and OW talking about getting married - I confront H about emails, H swears he didn't write them - H badmouthes OW cause she's neglecting her kids and has turned in a drug-addicted loser - H comes up for 2nd visit last week, we had our first real talk - H says he's not ready for a relationship, he doesn't know who he is and has to find that out before he can have a relationship, is still continuing to lie to me about things, says he's happy in his misery, but still loves me and always will - H has a LOT of issues from the war - can't stand to be touched, can't be near lots of people, doesn't smile or laugh that much, doesn't really play with the kids, has anger issues
I guess that sums it up pretty well. He actually initiated the conversation a few days ago, which surprised me. Then we talked off and on for a few days. I didn't know how deep his issues from the war ran. But I know now that he is having a very hard time accepting reality. He's now unsure as to what he wants. He didn't know transitioning to life after being over there would be this hard. He said he had two ideas of what would happen when he got back. One, that I would have just continued on in my life, stayed with my boyfriend, etc. Two, that everything between him and me would have returned to normal and everything would be all hunky dory. I would prefer the latter, but that ain't the case. We didn't come to any conclusions in our talks, but I did let him know a lot of things. I have been pushing for the kids and me to move to TX where he is, so we can see him more often. He was always against that. I never knew why, and alway assumed it had something to do with OW. I really don't know if there's anything between them anymore. H says he can't stand her. Her daughter told me they're not together anymore. And I hear him talk about me to people there, so I know I am no secret. But I don't trust him, so.... Especially after I found those emails. I dont know *what* to make of that. When I confronted him he asked why he would be trying to work things out with me if he was still with her. I said I didn't know.. I didn't tell him, but I've wondered if reconciling with me was a ploy to get something fom me.. The kids, maybe.. I don't know. I don't want to believe he would be capable or that. But then again, I never believed he was capable of the things has already done. Anyhow, H was under the impression I wanted to move there, move in with him, and jump back into being married. I didn't want that, and told him so. He's not ready for that, and I am not sure I am, either. So my plan is to move to TX and get an apt. for me and the kids, and H can come over when he wants and leave when he wants, so we can see him more than every other month, and he doesn't feel trapped and can leave when it becomes overwhelming. He listens to the idea but doesn't give me an answer either way. Then yesterday he gets a call that OW is in jail, and CPS is going after her kids. He doesn't want anything to happen to the kids, so I suggest we all drive down there so he can take care of it. He decides to go, but wants to go alone so he can get it done faster and come back up here. Then I start thinking about a loan that he got a few days ago, and LIED to my face about. He wouldn't tell me what it was for. He did apologize for lying when I confronted him, and said it was cause he's used to having his own life and not having to answer to anyone about his actions. So now I am thinking, what if the loan was to get OW out of jail? I HATE thinking this way, but I can't let myself trust him yet. He says he would let her kids get taken from her just to teach her a lesson, but he doesn't want that cause it's not what's best for the kids. So, I think, if he would want that to happen to her, he wouldn't bail her out? Right? Right? But I have no answer.
I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel, and how, even after 3 years of this, I could never give up on him. And I am not about to give up on him now. And maybe this is how much I love him. I don't understand it. But maybe that's what it is. Either that, or I'm just stupid.
I look at his issues from the war the way I would look at him being an alcholic or drug addict, or becoming paralyzed or something. I wouldn't give up on him then. He says he doesn't want to hurt me again and again. He says he can't stay with us and keep inflicting his misery on us. But something in me won't let him go again. I let him go before and he came back. Don't they say that means something?
