thanks Mollie, you're so right, I've been hanging on by my teeth a lot recently. it literally took EVERYTHING I Had emotionally to hang in there. took a lot physically too.
Just a bit ago I got this email: "Yes, it's been a time of lots of learning for both of us. I am sure that you are the one who does love me, as I see the other situation I'm aghast at what a self centered hateful monster she is, ugly hard, cold eyes and all. It scares me I was so drawn in by her [censored]. I guess the good lord just kept me thinking something wasn't quite right until I finally got out of her spell. I guess he made sure I realized just who did truly love me and what that really looked like and for that I am so thankful. I guess you are stuck with me! Your D"
Then I got a short one saying he can't wait to see me tonight, and maybe we could go for a walk together.
The great guy I married is still in there, and starting to come out! oh joy! Finally! after all this time and all the dark dark moments and anguish and heartbreak.
It would seem that he must have had some kind of unpleasant contact with her today, I don't know what else could have "flipped the switch" like that. And it is like a switch has been flipped. He absolutely was not capable of seeing this before (ow for what she is).
It is like popping out of a tunnel and you look back a minute before and wonder who that person was. It is so encouraging to read that post. When I popped out my W said no way. Now I am waiting at the end of her tunnel. Hope women come out of it too.
deb -- I just read the last several postings from you and they are inspiring to me. I will have to go back and read more of your situation but it definately sounds encouraging.
HI Ellie!!!! yes, yahoo!!!!! it feels like this has been forever coming. I'm not quite sure where I'm at yet, kinda shell shocked, I think I really need to check out the KLA cds to make sure we are on the right track, but i am just so amazed.
really, H seems "better than ever"...he is nice to me, he is kind and thoughtful and patient and loving. he reaches out to hold my hand when we're just watching tv...and he does these things on his own. Gone is the twinge of underlying resentment and anger that was ALWAYS there. sometimes I'll catch myself apologizing for doing some little thing that used to drive him up the wall (getting in his way as we're getting dressed for work, for example) and he will say, "it's ok, you can't help it" or "it's ok, I don't mind at all"...
I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO KEEP THIS GOING AND.....GROWING.
I think he has been shocked at how blindly he was sucked in with her manipulative ways. I had a feeling my "real" H would be shocked....This is NOT the kind of person he has EVER EVER EVER cared for...but I thought maybe she had managed to suck my real H down the tubes.
Evidently nothing happened between them yesterday, meaning no contact, h says he's heard nothing for several weeks. Which makes it all the sweeter because it has to mean that he came to the thoughts he was sharing about "us" seperately from anything she did.
Last night we walked, and H talked for hours again about ow, the whole 1.5 hours we walked and even some afterward. It's like he needs to get it out of system, but he needs to share it with me. and I get the feeling that he desperately needs to know that I love and accept him inspite of it all. I see now that several weeks ago when he was beginning to talk about her, he was "testing the water" so to speak, I think to see if I could REALLY love him enough to deal with all this. and when I would lose it and get so upset (there were a few almost all-night crying jags) it shut him down in the process of letting go and really coming back.
I tell you what, I sure know a heck of a lot about ow...sheesh. oh, well. at least I know I called it right with h.
it's amazing to me as well how much more easily we talk about things now. last night we talked about how improtant it is to learn to recognize priorities in life, and what to "let go" of and what to "keep"; talked about how quickly the kids have grown, talked about how we both fall short of what we wish we could be. we NEVER had those kind of talks before.
I just gotta make sure we stay on track!!!! this degree from the school of hard knocks has been incredibly expensive
Hi, Bruce, thanks for stopping by. I will try to get by your thread and check it out. I did catch some of your posts to others today, and you sound like a very wise person.
It really is like they pop out of a tunnel. Just incredible. H is a completely different person than he was 2 years ago. he was so far gone then, I really didnt hold out much hope. And even just a month ago when I went with him to an out of town workshop, he was irritable and impatient and nothing suited him.....kind of a nasty person to be around.
You know, maybe your story is on your thread, and I'll try to check it out, but you said you "popped out"....I would very much like to know what your thinking/experience, etc., was like when you were "in the tunnel".
Hi Tessa, thank you for stopping by, and I'm glad my posts were helpful to you.
I was thinking last night and earlier today, that for my sitch to turn around is truely miraculous, and proof positive that DBing DOES work...
It's painful to think back to how BAD things were between H and I this time 2 years ago. he was so far gone in the throes of ow that he couldnt even stand to be in the same house w/the kids and I. Disgust and disdain and resentment reeked from every pore in his body, his face was set with hard stoney look. The emotional climate was so COLD it was like icicles in the air...It's hard to describe, but I mean that literally. I remember coming home late from work one night, and H and S were gone (later I found out they were at ow's, he told me they were looking at video games), and I remember walking in that cold empty house and thinking that it felt cold and frozen and dead, I remember the thought entered my head that the devil had a grip on the house.
That was BEFORE I found out about the A, and it went down hill for a while after that. Although H never did move out physically, he was packed, gone and locked up tight emotionally.
I've been here on the boards a long time, it seems, I think I first posted in December '03. what a long and twisting journey it has been. I really believe if DB could work in my sitch, it can surely work in most.
I guess one thing we had going for us was that WAY BACK WHEN, many moons ago, things had been really great between us, and I think both of us still longed for that underneath all the pain and distance. We just somehow grew apart and took each other for granted from the strain of everyday life. If the relationship had always been difficult and conflicted, the outcome might have been much different, much more difficult to achieve, I'm sure.
I dont' have the nerve to read back through my old threads yet, but if you decide to, you will certainly find an incredible amount of angst and agony and despair. I'm afraid my PMA and "act as if" skills sometimes hit the gutter. but it's all there, in gory detail. I don't even have clue how many threads I have, I'm guessing 25 or so????? I'm surprised I havent gotten carpal tunnel syndrome
uh oh, I read through one of my posts from yesterday, I see I got censored. sorry about that, I try be somewhat "civil"...can I use the excuse that I cut and pasted H's email and didnt think of it???? or that i was so happy to hear him thinking of ow in those terms that it didnt register, maybe???? ah, well
not really much to report, as I said earlier last night we walked and H talked and I mostly listened. I have this sense of "making up for lost time" as far as so many things we've neglected physically around the house...H mentions those as well. the important lost time to be made up is with the kids, though, S12 comes home on Saturday, and H has talked about how he's looking forward to doing things with him...that he told S that on the phone...YESSSSSSS!!!! the poor child has needed and missed his dad soooo much while he's been off in ow land.
An odd thing is that I think h and I are both emotionally exhausted. seems kind of strange at first glance, but maybe it's not...more "come from behind" stuff, I guess.
As far as H, I don't know how to describe it, but he is "different"....everything about him is different...except he's the same person????? he has a softer expression and stance, he has an entirely different tone of voice, he seems more....at peace. He is now, just yesterday and today, starting to say he is "doing better" and "feeling better"....
his emails today were more business like, but in one he did say that he loved me and he would be eternally grateful for the peacefulness I bring into his life. that meant a lot.
We still have so far to go, we need to get to "going out" to do things, and H doesnt seem to be quite there yet, but he seems to be "progressing". we need to physically reorganize our "space" (which I've been working on by myself) and get our finances back to a decent level.
I am still working on my personal goals, things that are about me...I joined weight watchers tuesday am, and need to really focus on that, I still am going to work out regularly. Weight watchers was ironic, though. Yesterday I think I ate enough for 3 days. you'd think I'd be blissfully at peace after H's responses.but I was an emotional wreck here at work, and ate everything I could get my hands on. I guess there's a lesson in that, huh?
Plus I have to stay on track with the changes I've made in how I relate to H....he was here for a minute before he left work, and said he was going to hurry home to walk before it rains. I started to fuss at him, saying "be careful, you'd better..." I was going to say "take a rain slicker" but then I caught myself and said "well, I'm not your mother...." and he shook his finger at me lovingly and said "no you're not, but I'll be careful"...and we just chuckled. But I must stay on top of this. Believe me, the guy does NOT need 2 mothers. the one he has is about equal to a half-dozen "normal" mothers (and that's at almost 80 with five kids and I dont even know how many grand kids.
I did hug him goodbye, and get a little mushy, I told him ILY and asked if he would "always be my treasure" and he said "yes I will, I promise" and gave me a hug and kiss.
so, i'm gonna sign off and go home myself here in a minute. We'll see what the evening brings, but I'm starting to "breathe" for the first time in 2 1/2 years.
