Yes, dfb, that would be a good thing to do...I used to walk a lot...with h and by myself...every now and then I do go by myself, but certainly increasing it would be good for a lot of reasons. I will work on upping that in my exercise plan...a plus is it gives me time to "think" (although lord knows that can be a minus sometimes also!)
Night before last, H told me part of what ow said to him that finally turned him against her: evidently when she called him at home a week ago tonight, one thing she said was that "you're just a 50-year-old fool who had an affair". Evidently he told her she was just a 42-year-old bitch that set out to steal another womans husband.
I can understand how that would cut H to the quick after all he feels like he's been through for her.
Last night he told me that she had forbidden him !!!!!!!!! to walk with co-workers at lunch, demanding that he set by the phone and wait for her to call, which sometimes she did and sometimes she didnt. That she was always furiously jealous of the female co-worker (she's cute, but in a "kid" way, she doesnt worry me) and would make nasty comments about how the other co-worker would always "have to walk right beside you" as they were leaving for the other office, etc...how ow was even jealous of the former secretary in the out of town office (who had an affair with a coworker) and would raise heck with h about both of them.
H said that he didnt hear a word from her yesterday, and he thinks she finally got the message, said that he asked her "which part of I hate you and never want to see or talk to you again; leave me alone can't you understand?"
I notice this morning that yes, the razorback is the only "critter" on her dashboard, and she has also taken down the rosary and crystal cross she had hanging from her rearview mirror. which brings an interesting thought to mind: I always had a "gut feeling" that those religous items/symbols were a part of her efforts to manipulate H, along with all her stories of cats just like ours, her horses, etc.
Deb - if you are out walking and start thinking too much (in a way you don't want to), just up the pace. A really good workout (not just a stroll) will help beat those thoughts to a pulp. Maybe you should try kickboxing - you can pretend you are kicking OW to the curb.
It sounds at least like your H is thinking more with his brain, and not other parts of his body. I hope that he isn't unloading more on you than you want to know.
If she has taken items off the dash, then maybe she's finally given up. Although she does sound like a complete nutjob....
It sounds much better than it did a few weeks back - I hope things keep getting better for you!
Hi dfb and Hope, yes, I think xow is totally whacko, even more so than I always thought. Lord how I hope that H is seeing that. I am just still blown away that he would get involved with someone like HER; just incredible.
Can the stuff being gone from her dash mean the b---h has finally given up????????? it's gone, all of it except for the razorback as I said earlier....
I find I'm still such a bottomless pit for reassurance though. I havent heard from H since just before noon, and I start to get anxious because in the past this was their "planning day"....however, his emails were "flirty" and actually said ILY this morning, so I'm hoping (and praying) he's just busy and trying to do his paper work.
I was thinking though, a couple of weeks ago when he said he was going to have to do paper work on Saturday and I took him to task about it....I have honestly come to the conclusion that it is a good thing I did. my eerie little "brain niggles" tell me that ow was pressuring him to go down there again...and H was wilting under the pressure and getting drawn back in. H has alluded to it even here in the last 2 weeks, saying things about her "pressuring" him to "go there"...It bothers me to think that is so, but I'm just certain that's what was going on. and I'm really GLAD I did call him on it....I didnt make any threats or anything, just said his going to work wasnt the problem, and he knew what the problem was and why, and I was anxious about it. then I let it drop, and he printed off his schedule and brought it home, and suggested I could go over with him, but then he didnt go that Saturday morning. I'm praying he won't go this Saturday either. that will make 6 that he hasnt gone, closing in on the record which is either 6 or 8 (of course then he went back to ow)...
H made the commented night before last that "other women seem to see through her" when we were talking about ow...last night he said that she started working here in Nov. of 02, and that 2 weeks after she started she was emailing him, H said "I don't know why" and "at first it seemed ok, just friendly chit-chat"....my thoughts were "I know why, because like any shark she recognizes fresh meat and can smell the blood in the water, and then begins to circle before she strikes" and "yeah, duh, H, that's why it's known as the slippery slope"...I just smiled at him though, and said, yes, I always knew that...which is true, I did, because I remember EXACTLY when his attitude towards me got so distinctly cold and distant.
H also commented within the last week that "you were right though about satan and temptation"...don't know what he was thinking for sure, I've made some references that I don't think what was going on between them came from God...I guess h must have been reflecting on feeling like he got "sucked in". Actually I think I've heard him use that term.
Oh, Lord, I hope the a is really over for good this time. I'm not at all sure how much longer I can last otherwise.
I'm afraid I will jinx myself if i say it's for real this time, but I'm beginning to believe it is. I can't imagine him going back to her after all this, and all he's shared.
When I got home last night a little after 8 H was in the house, said he'd just got back from going for a walk. then H started talking....no prompting from me, although I may have said "I guess you didnt get any hateful phone calls this evening"(thought it, don't recall if I said it)...
H commented "I have so much anger, and I have to let it go, I want to let it go, but it's kind of "stuck" right now. Talked again about her fit throwing and meanness, how she will draw a person (guy) in and then beat them up emotionally.
talked about having told her no more dramatic tearful reunions, they are done, it is over...now he sees that she uses the "lets be friends" deal to keep the hook set so she can reel him back in.
H talked about her sexual escapades (ulp!) commented that she was "obviously very accomplished"...I've drawn the line at this before, but it wasn't going into detail, and I was ok with it.
She cheated on her H the whole time they were married, (gosh, imagine that),although H never got the details. Evidently her H, when they were married, even tried to get info from her gynocologist by calling and saying "ow didnt quite understand what you told her yesterday"...she was/is very into internet sex...h said she couldnt seem to recall if she met up with most of those guys or not ?????...but she did hook up with a trucker she met in the cybersex activities while she was still living out of state. Who then went back on the road to stay.
That she still has cybersex...ummmm, I guess this is done with a web cam and microphone....gives me the creeps.... that she had sex in an elevator with a guy she never even met at a workshop/conference; had sex (and I mean intercourse) with her x-livein bf driving down the interstate at 70 miles/hour...I told H I can't imagine how you could do that...he said "very carefully" and i told him I didnt want to know the rest...
This is not a poor innocent, broken hearted divorced single mom looking for love, who happened to stumble into an a with a guy who happened to be married. this woman is a sexual predator herself, more of a sicko than i ever imagined.
H told me more stuff, I'm so shell shocked i can't even recall it right now. oh, also that sex is 'going through the motions" for her....I didnt go there much, told him I couldnt hear that at this point.
H said she got married in the first place because it "seemed like the thing to do", threw a big fit on her wedding day and refused to participate in some parts of the celebration because she was mad about something. That her divorce never bothered her.
H said when he met her xh at xmas, he shook his hand and gave him a "good luck sucker" look. That ow had bought her D 2 trumpets and wanted her xh to pay 1/2, and he commented he wasnt paying a nickel, since "we all know where the first one came from"...it was our D's, H "loaned" it to her...at least he did get it back.
I mentioned that the rosaries and crosses were gone off of her rear-view mirror; H said those were things he gave her (explains the teddy bear after all, doesnt it?)
Yesterday I saw the older nurse who is her office mate, and she gave me this penetrating look that spoke volumes...I asked H how much she knows, and he said he didnt know, but he's sure she knows a lot...that she knew about the a because she saw ow sending emails; said that she has never said a word, but seems so warm and friendly to him and concerned this week, he's sure she knows a break up happened and is glad. That Tuesday she gave him a "it's going to be ok" hug in the break room, which she has never done (this woman is almost our mothers' ages). H said that several other women..including the ow's supervisor, ow's scheduling secretary and the secretarys sister who works here, and another support staff person who evidently got ow in trouble by ratting on her for hanging out in H's office...all seem particularly pleasant and caring towards H....and that he gets the feeling they are GLAD it happened (the break up), and that they've been wanting it to happen, for him to get away from ow. H's comment was that "it's like they all knew about the A, and now they know about the break up, and are relieved"...duhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I told him everybody knew, I could just "feel" it.........plus i think ow gets a lot of "jollies" out of dropping hints, etc., and women arent dumb about that kind of "vibe"...
H talked about how ow was always flirting with a couple of other male co-workers here, one of whom has left.
We talked for about 2 hours. H had said just before he started that he was going to go downstairs and lift weights, but he never went, just sat and talked. He drank about 3 beers as we talked (ales, actually) and I think he had maybe 2 before that.
When we went to bed, H initiated again, and had his "finishing" problem again...this concerns me, but I am thinking that although I'm sure kegel's are needed and would benefit us both, this is also related to his emotional turmoil and his intake of alcohol; possibly allergy meds he's taking and the fact that he hasnt slept for 3-4 nights now.
I am just amazed at ow....she is really a number. this is incredible. I'm guessing I'm probably forgetting about 1/3 of all the stuff H told me also. wow.
One thing is for sure. she'd have been cheating on H if he had gone with her, I have no doubt. I don't think she's capable of being any other way.
oh yeah, H said that about 2 weeks ago she was pressuring him to "get together and talk as friends"....this IS when he was emailing me about that he was going to have to do paperwork again that saturday and I called him on it.!!!!!! I am so glad I called him on it.
Also said ow saw the emails a month ago asking me if I was going to the out of town workshop with him, and "that really made her mad"....I just had a feeling, because of the change in the tone of his emails, that some how she was on the periphery (sp?) then....that she was going to jump in and go if I didnt, or something. I just "felt" it....and then that day while we were there, H was so cross and distant....
The problem with the sex is most likely completely emotional. He was just fine having plenty of sex with you not too long ago - so don't worry about the whole kegel thing (not that it could hurt).
I'd mentioned previously also that you should make sure that you both get checked for diseases and such. With OW's history, you really should do that soon (just in case).
Things sound like they are getting better, so hopefully he stays away from her this time.
I also think the problem is emotional with H. Probably guilty feelings. I can see how you must wonder how H would want someone like ow. But as you say they are like sharks circling and smell the blood.
In my case I wondered the same. Also I wondered how H could not see that she saw him as a meal ticket. I suspect the ow in my case was a complete manipulator. I chalk it up to the H needing/wanting comfort, something he got from her that he was not getting in our R.
An interesting thing I read on the family.org website where the H talked about being under stress in the M and never having learned how his needs should be met while growing up he looked elsewhere for comfort.
This happened in my sitch, don't know that it would be true for you. I also think my H did not get a lot of his needs met growing up and looked to s@x etc. to comfort him.
Hi dfb...I keep thinking that, as you say, a large part of H's problem has to be emotional. He is also exhausted a lot lately, which I think is probably emotional, but that would impact the issues with sex. now, weirdly, on Saturday morning this weekend, H woke up, put his arms around me, said "I love waking up next to you", initiated sex, and had NO problems of anykind....hmmmmm....
I appreciate your suggestion about being tested for std's...I was tested for every thing in the book about 16 months ago...was blessed to come up "clean" for the most part, except for HPV (which is bad, yes) and a thing called Gardenila (sp?...I think)....I have to go back to the Dr. 2nd week in July for followup testing. I was when I heard the stories of her that we're both lucky it wasnt a lot, lot worse. The woman amazes me.....I guess I'm kind old fashioned, ok, no guessing, I am, but I dont think I'm too awfully inhibited. Her "stuff" just leaves me speechless....
I'm planning to work on the kegels, anyway, because my Dr's always after me anyway to be doing that, so......something I need to add to my "must do" list.
I just hope and pray that, as you say, he "stays away from her this time"....
