Guess I'll update: Last night was tough. H got home from work about 8:15, his 12 hour day here in this office. I decided to do things a little differently, and instead of landing on him with hugs, I stood quietly out of his way, against the kitchen counter, and just watched. He blew in the door and buzzed around the kitchen as he always does, setting up coffee maker, getting ice and water, chatting and jabbering, etc.. then he stopped all at once, looked at me, and said "what??" I said "it's just nice to have you home"....and this funny cautious look crossed his face, and he said "well, I had a big fight with you-know-who today"....I asked who, because I was pretty sure...but wanted to clarify! hmmm, yep, it was ow.
Seems they had a running email battle. evidently it started when she emailed him that she saw treadmills and belts at walmart...(his is messed up right now)...he said he guessed he should have let it go, but he emailed her back to stop sending him personal emails, he didnt want to hear from her...evidently she then emailed him to stop sending them to her, and it was off. Evidently at some point h emailed her that he hated her, and was trying to work towards ambivalence, that he is not her friend and is not going to be her friend and that she is to leave him alone. Evidently he at some point threatened to contact her xh about the way she is neglecting her D...what a mess.
then came a 2 hour discussion, H even skipped his walk to talk...this was his initiation, he needed to talk, so I pretty much just listened. H talked about her borderline personality disorder, her jealousy, how she baits people and pulls them in and then beats up on them emotionally (a trait of that disorder)...and how stupid he was to get sucked in like that. How she required him to sit at the phone over his lunch hour at out of town office so she could call him, and then sometimes wouldnt call....how she forbade him to go walking with coworkers, etc., amazing. it would never occur to me to make such demands, and this endears her to him????
I heard then about how she had asked him what I have that she doesnt and he had told her I treated him with respect.
then it got hard for me to hear, because he flipped to the "how great it was" side, that they had had such great fun together, the kind we have never had, and he didnt know if we could...I got upset at that, told him that I have begged and pleaded for us to go do stuff, and in fact my resentment at his refusal is one of the things that caused us to drift apart in the first place. H said everything is so complicated with me, unspontaneous...I told him I didnt feel that was accurate, "lets go"...now was the time....that I could be happy and joyful also, but that I had never had the advantage of being able to just "dump" my kids to do it.....this is kind of weird, because what I see here is he is arguing both sides of the coin...her scatterbrained disorganization both drives him nuts and attracts him. My calm(er?) methodical, "reliable" approach soothes and yet bores him. WTF????? and what do I do???? Unfortunately at that point, I shed a few tears, the running down the cheek kind, not the wailing and teeth-gnashing kind--and h got irritated. said again that my weight was a problem....then asked if I had ever considered that he is just not ready to do those things/go those places yet??? to which I told him I had considered that, but i dont' think that's the whole story since it predates the A...
Both of us had a restless night, I don't think H slept at all....that is 3 nights in a row for him, which concerns me.
This morning, I woke up kind of weepy, which irritated H. I just stayed away from him. then he said it is very hard for him because he needs support and to work this stuff out for himself, "can't you give me 5 or 10 weeks"...I told him of course I can...H said again he is "just not ready yet" to do stuff/go places??? but that "we will get there"...later I said that I want to bring him fun and excitement...he said "you bring me contentment. I guess I don't tell you that enough and obviously need to do it more"...I told him contentment was good, but that I want to bring and get the "joy" part too, that it's an all/all situation...he smiled and said "we'll get there"... before he left for work, he said "you can stop stressing".....
I had an email from him about 9 this am, very short, just saying the secretary is gone and he's busy trying to keep up, and also saying "thank you for your patience and support. we shall make it".
Several times last night and again this morning he talked about how he hates being in this office, because he tries so hard to avoid running into her, and it is hard, and upsetting when he can't avoid her.
It did occur to me that it's a positive that without my asking him told me about the "unavoidable contact" (email fight) ala "not just friends" recommendations.
