Hi Mollie, of course you're absolutely right, I don't want to stoop to her level, but it's still mind boggling to understand the depths (heights?) of her weirdness.
H said yesterday am he just wants to forget and move on, but in truth he is not ready to, he is very much stuck in a "processing mode"...and it's proving to be really tough for me to handle.
And the "fear factor" is still so huge for me...no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get past the terror that they will get back together...simply because that is exactly what has happened in the past. Not a word was ever spoken about it, but I KNEW when they did, and I was exactly right.
we had another long talk last night--at H's initiation--and every thing I think that I still suspected but didnt know for sure was confirmed...they were back together about 2 weeks before we took our fall vacation last year; the times when I know I would see I was agonizing on this board about it, they were back together.
You may not have been reading my stupid, lurid soap opera "back when", but a one point I was absolutely "nutsed" out because I "felt" that H was lying about going to professional workshops and having "out of town" day trysts with her....well, last night, he confirmed it, I was right...I knew exactly when, etc., where...those days I was agonizing about it but keeping the home fires burning, that is exactly what was going on.
HOW do/will I ever get past this????????? I really don't know. It's proving to be harder than I ever dreamed possible. Hard enough to make me still sometimes feel like throwing in the towel.
I really do need help processing my feelings of betrayal, I guess. and fear of going through it all again. I think as it says in DR, that this has all been pushed down so far for so long, and now it is practically erupting. h's emotional stuff adds to MY pressure. but I don't want to shut him off...we need to be able to process this together to start to rebuild.
and the really scary part: I don't think I have a clue how to start the rebuilding process. I want joy and passion and admiration in our M....it's always been kind of a "quiet simmer" kind of R, and I have no clue how to get from here to there. I think that is also what H wants in the end, after all the "grief"...I'm convinced that's part of what led to the A....
I could really use some thoughts on how to get "there", or a least how to start the journey...
