Thanks, TC, Hope, Mollie, dfb, Anna....I appreciate all your thoughts. I used to do Kegels quite a bit, and then have kinda let that go by the wayside, so I do need to get back to that.
I have to say I think, and thought at the time, that the wetness stuff is more a part of H's "weirdness" at the moment, than based in fact...I think emotionally and maybe physically due to medications (allery, decongestant) and even more beer than is good could have more to do with it than my physiological responses.
I guess I'll do more experimenting with sex stuff. I wish to heck we had a better book store here.
There are plenty of books on Amazon.com - I am sure you'd find what you are looking for. Ellie may know something to do, but again - I've never read anything in a magazine where any guy has been opposed to a woman being wet (just dry!). The kegels might help and such, but not if it's mostly all in his head.
This was probably the weirdest roller-coaster weekend yet. very tough, but I handled it better emotionally, I guess because I had a plan for exactly what I was going to do...and I did it. I'm exhausted today though. I found out the details of H's recent weirdness, at least part of them anyway. so, to recount/journal:
Friday, I got home from work later than expected, h was "ok", kinda distant though. As I mentioned that morning, we didnt even exchange a good-bye hug or kiss, which is not typical, H was in the bathroom as though he was avoiding me. I thought H seemed kind of distant, withdrawn. we had a sexual "encounter" which was pretty much designed for him, which is ok, I've had plenty designed for me, but he did ask for some things that he never has in all these years....I don't even want to think about where that came from. maybe it's a "test" of some kind, I don't know.
Saturday, H had a sexual encounter planned for my benefit. mostly with "toys", not my favorite, but ok. I worked out, and H spent most of the day mowing...I cleaned the porch outside so it would be nicer for cookouts, etc....got most of it done...not much going on, H still seems "distant", but I let it go. In the night, I had trouble sleeping, because my legs hurt, worked out too hard i guess. I took some tylenol after I'd been in bed awhile...H suggested I should take some Ambien, which I thought was weird. I told him I'd get some if I needed it in a bit. A little later h actually went and got some and brought it to me, which I thought was weird, Even in my 1/2 asleep state. I did take it though, because I was restless and tossing and turning.
Sunday...after taking the Ambien at midnight, the result was I didnt wake up till 9 am...and H was gone. I went downstairs, found a note he'd left that it was a beautiful morning so he'd gone for a walk, that I was asleep so he didnt bother me (uh, yeah....), that he'd be back before noon. I recalled my resolution to NOT sit there and be lonely and upset...so I got dressed, got coffee and left. Went shopping. Did a lot of damage....spent 500.00 I should NOT have spent...got all new perennials for in the garden I'm going to replant (it needs it), got new chairs for the porch, got a pair of sheer long pants and a matching top, got some shorts. I came home about 12:30...I did not want to get home and have to deal with the horrible anxiety of H still being gone. Well, he was home. Downstairs working out. Came upstairs immediately when I walked in the door. said "where have you been"...kind of upset/anxious like himself. I told him I went shopping because I didnt feel like "pining" for him (probably shouldnt have told him that), h said he'd gotten home about 10, was almost done with his weights and thinking we could grill out for lunch...so we did, just sat and chatted, which was enjoyable. After lunch, we decided to take a nap...slept, then H initiated ML, couldnt "finish" as per usual lately, and then somehow started to talk about ow/A again....said what a nasty hateful bitch she is, that he is sick of the manipulation and fit throwing and cold ugly green eyes and looks...that he is sick of hearing from her what a piece of s--t he is....that he hopes they fire her here at work, that her supervisor hates her and if the supervisor has anything to do about it, they will. How he has a notion to call her x-husband and clue him in on what all she's doing with their D (??????), that the XH should have her, that he'd go testify, that that would do her in and make her leave, if her kid was taken away...and on and on and on...H said that his feelings towards her have deteriorated into absolute hatred... that he detests her. That he cant understand how it took him so long to see her true colors, but that they have finally come out. That "it" is all about her, what she wants, "who has the most toys wins", what ever that means; that it's "all about money" with her...???????? H said he knew now that I'm the one who loves him unconditionally...and said several times with tears running down his cheeks "I am so sorry"...Told me (again) not to worry, that we will be fine....talked about that we've been married a long time, 26 years, and that soon it will be 30 and that really is a long time...got up kind of abruptly, said he was going for a short walk, did I want to go...I went, it was hot and icky in my opinion, but we went about 2 1/2 miles, I kept up and didnt complain...
afterwords, I gave him a small fathers day gift and card. H said I shouldnt have...(probably because he didnt!), but thanked me for it (just a couple of work-out shirts)...He said again how much he loves and appreciates me...I hugged him, stood for a while with my head on his shoulder and our arms around each other, just "snuggling"....then H initited ML again, at least tried to, it didn't work...and he got irritated and frustrated and said he should have known better. blamed it on me again, saying this time that my fat rear is "not very enticing"....started talking about how frustrating this is. then said that "the equipment works fine, I used to think it didnt work, but I found out it works fine"....I told him I was perfectly willing to try new things and to learn new things, but that I am not able to hear about his "equipment testing", it is just too difficult and too much for me to handle. H said "I know" and dropped the subject. I refuse to hear that part of the A, I just can't. although I don't know why, I've certainly heard everything else!
I told him I'm trying to lose weight, I know not being very successful right now...H commented how beautiful he thought I was when we got married....
I thought for a while, and then told him,"my perception/recollection" is that not very long ago at all, we were sometimes ML 3X/day with the equipment working fine with good results. H looked at me kind puzzled and surprised and asked "when was that"?....I told him I didnt remember the exact dates (didnt tell him to wait while I check my calendar)but that I knew it was this spring...he sat quietly for awhile and then nodded, like he "maybe" kind of recalls it after all. Then he said that he guessed part of it may be related to "dealing with this stuff" and the emotional turmoil, and "too much beer" (he'd probably had maybe 5 over the course of the day...this was probably 6 in the evening, I don't know if that's enough to impact performance much or not...
H talked some more about how nasty and hateful ow is, and how much he despises her....how she has turned on him and torn into him and hurt him.....
Last night at bedtime, I got more details/tidbits...H said that she called him last Thursday night at home and "ripped him a new one"...about what a piece of crap he is, and how awful he's been. This would be while I was at work, and the night that I mentioned here how down he looked, like he was going to cry. Said that she had been pressuring him to "come down there" again (don't know if to visit or to live), and when he said "no" all hell broke lose...I mentioned he had told me that he'd told her he never wanted to see her or hear from her again, and that she had been "abiding" by that....and he said "yes, for awhile"....
At one point, I told h that I'm really struggling as well, with lots of concerns about "us"...he said "I don't know why, you should be happy, you won" (his standard answer), and I told him that he didnt understand, that my concerns go beyond the A/ow...that I have concerns about us being right for each other, what each of us needs, and that it's scary after all these years. H said "that nasty hateful b--ch sure isnt what i need or want"...but I don't think it ever dawned on him that my concerns go beyond his stupid A....and the stupid ugly nasty ow. H said he "just needs a few weeks to work through this"....
Neither of us slept at all well last night. H said he woke up at 1:30 am and never went back to sleep.
This morning before leaving for work, he put his arms around me and said "I love you so much" before I said anything. I commented that I loved him too, and that I really hope that we can be the person each of us needs. H said "you are the one I need"...I told him I don't know, the fat rear doesnt seem to want to leave me...and he said "that's not as important as what's inside, your personality and love". huh, complete turn around in 12 hours????????????????????????
I've not heard from him at all this morning, no email what so ever. none. I'm debating about sending one to just say "hi", how are you", but havent.
this is so "nutsed out"....I absolutely can't imagine or comprehend what ow must have said or done. NEVER have I heard such hatred/anger/disdain in H's voice. I've know him for a long time, and I have heard him frighteningly angry before, but never anything like this. Frankly I was shocked, I didnt know he had it in him.
I don't know what to think. I am afraid ow might file some kind of sexual harrasement complaint or something against him here at work, or who knows. I mean, what can she do?????? does anyone know?????? Since I've told the director, who's my supervisor, about it over a year and 12/ ago, I'm sure the "powers that be" know about it....I don't know if that covers his back at all. Plus we just had a staff training on sexual harassement, and the trainer was from the state department that handles those kinds of issues. He talked specifically about when affairs breakup, there is anger, and that does not meet the guidelines for harassment, and that judges recognize the anger that goes with break ups.
I dunno what to think. I'm sorry this is such a novel, but I can certainly use any observations/input anyone has.
You can get ben wa balls online from adult toy sites, new age sites, and health sites. Or any of those brick and mortar stores, I would imagine. But I've never had the.. well, balls... to go into an adult store.
well, um hmmmmmmmmm, actually I have....it makes me blush and I'm sure my mouth drops open at times, but I've even asked for things before, so I may just plain go in and ask for them. I'm thinking these are the smooth, chrome, type weighted ones, right?
dfb, in response to your suggestion about a counselor...I agree 199%, have suggested it and even at one point pleaded with H to go...to absolutely no avail. he just flat out refuses, for a myriad of reasons. I just dropped it, as pushing it just made things worse. I think it would still make things worse.
It isn't your "fat a**" or whatever he said that is his problem. I am seeing him as still EXTREMELY obsessed with her. I don't know why. He may be talking himself into hating her, or whatever - but there is really a very thin line between love and hate. His emotional involvement still runs deep - whatever his feelings. And he's bringing that home to you.
IMHO, he shouldn't be discussing most of this stuff with you (unless you ask). He really, really should see a therapist or at least a trusted friend (not who is friend to OW) to work his feelings out. I remembered you both having sex before - but that is probably because he was happy and had both of you. Now he's likely going through some sort of withdrawal and obsessing about her. I think its probably because it didn't burn out naturally - it was forced to end (and hopefully it has).
Maybe you should go to a counselor by yourself? And good for you on spending some money - he's been spending your money on her all along. (just don't go overboard). You should definitely work out and get healthy - but for yourself first, and it will be a boost for your other relationships in your life too.
I wish he would talk stuff over with some one (who would be supportive of the M)but I don't believe he ever will...it is so against everything H has ever stood for to have an A, especially with the likes of ow. I think he's terribly ashamed and embarrassed -- I know he is. I don't know what bearing all that has on the rest of the sitch, but I do know that he's got a lot of guilt and shame and embarrassment.
Lord I hope it's over. this made 5 weekends that he hasnt gone to see her (unless he does see her on his long walks)...I guess I should say 5 saturdays he hasnt "done paperwork".
obviously he is very emotionally invested in her as long as he is so angry and hateful. I know that's actually a measure of emotional connection. I also know that anger usually comes from basic emotions like hurt and frustration. I don't know, I can only hope that it means he's moving towards letting go to be at the anger stage.
I shouldn't have spent that much money, I'm afraid it probably really wrecked our budget for the next 2 weeks. I will have to make sure I don't do that again when I do leave home.
Deb - I just wanted to give you a (hug). And you never know - if H never thought he'd have an A and he did have one, then perhaps he'll see a counselor sometime if he feels he needs to (probably not unless he is worried about really losing you).
It sounds like he is still trying to compare the two of you - and trying to talk himself (mostly) out of her. But there has to be SOMETHING that drew her to him, and something that has made him not stop thinking about her.
Have you thought about taking up walking yourself? Or bike riding? I am not sure if you had joined a gym or not - but definitely do something you enjoy that will help you get healthy (not just thin, but healthy). Do it for yourself. A healthy Deb is a much happier Deb, no matter what the outcome of your marital situation.
My thoughts are a bit disjointed today - I've been sick for a few days. But don't let him get to you with criticism's and such. You aren't the one who has won anything yet - he is. He has a wife who keeps being there for him even after all he's done. You have a guy who has lied, cheated, and spent your money on another woman. Who is the winner here?
Oh - don't tell him a reason why you go out. Just say that you went shopping. You aren't a prisoner of your home. Leave him a note, nothing elaborate "I went to the gym". I went shopping, be back in a couple of hours". No need to go into details and such.
Ellie may know something to do, but again - I've never read anything in a magazine where any guy has been opposed to a woman being wet (just dry!). The kegels might help and such, but not if it's mostly all in his head.