oh, it was a tough night. If anyone has any insight/experience to share, I sure need to hear it. especially of the "this too shall pass" kind....this is so difficult right now. I got home about 9 last night, H was working out. we watched tv; H looked so down he looked like he was about to cry. I commented on how sad he looked and he started talking about how sad he was feeling, and how hard it is with the weekend coming up. I listened, said I wished I could "love it away"...H said well come here and do it then...I hugged him and he initiated ML, which didnt work for him (again). He was frustrated and got up and left the room to go to our bedroom. I went up and he was getting in bed, made a comment that "we'll have to figure this out better"...his comment is that there's not enough sensation for him...that I'm too "wet"...could be....I don't know...anyway, went to bed, went to sleep. Sometime in the night I woke up and realized that he was awake, tossing and turning...I said something to him, don't remember what, but the flood gates opened again. He talked for hours. about how demanding she was, how he needs reciprocity in a relationship and she has no concept of it, it's always a matter of taking care of her and meeting her needs and demands. how she fights and argues. Then he started to cry about how awful he feels because he had to get mean and tell her he didnt even want to see her face or talk to her to get her to stay away, because she's back to her "just be friends" mode...uses his concern for her D to pull him back in, saying "don't you want to know how K's doing"...but he found her letters to her last live-in and she did that then with him, so he sees it but it still makes him feel awful. That he's told her even if he got divorced he would not be with her, ever, period. BUT he still feels so awful for all the pain he's caused her....I just listened, but it hurt to hear how much pain he's caused HER...not a word about his real family...He also mentioned how she stopped sleeping in pajamas (puke).......We/he talked for several hours, I mostly listened except for pointing out that no matter how bad he feels about hurting her, she knew from the start what the sitch was and she purposely chose a course of action. To me that is very different than if she had not known he was M. H agreed.....and says she owns that.
H initiated ML again, THIS time it worked for him, which makes me think some of this emotional stuff of his is part of the problem. I know it was after 4 am before i went back to sleep, I dont think he ever did.
This morning h was quite distant, no hugs or kisses even, woke me up with coffee, and went out to do chores without much contact at all. Was in the bathroom when I left for work, although he didnt sound as "down"...
I told him in our discussion how often I have debated to myself if I was doing the right thing to stay and try to wait it out, that often I thought it would be better for all if I just let him go if that's what he needed to be happy. H said that would be devastating....he was glad I waited. Said that if I had put pressure on him from my side, it would have turned out differently (I guess there's a message there for all of us), how we had been so distant and he had been so lonely at the beginning of the A that it made perfect sense at the time....a lesson there, too.
but I don't know what to take from this...I guess his opening up is good, and obviously I've got enough of a handle on my emotions and reponses that he now feels safe to do that. Is it good for him to be "spilling his guts" to me like this???? Am I handling it right to just listen, and maybe gently point out a few BIG issues???? h mentioned last night how he could never have this kind of discussion with her, that she would always back him into a corner until he had to come out fighting in self protection, that it wasnt possible to decide not to argue or fight, and often you didnt even know what it was about.
So do I keep encouraging him to open up???? somehow in my tortured mind, it seems that he is less likely to go back to her if he can get it all out by talking it through, and that it's a chance for me to come across as the stable, dependable one. Kind of like draining a wound I guess.
And now I have a really weird question about sex WARNING, QUITE explicit...
Is there anything that can be done to REDUCE vaginal lubrication???? I don't think i've ever heard of that kind of a problems for a woman "my age" (lord I hate that term)....I know it seems really weird to worry about....
I'm kinda all over the place today, gotta run to a meeting...
