ummmmmmmmm, ok, I am beginning to think (believe, trust?) that things really are going ok, from the standpoint that ow truly is history. That leap of faith is so hard to make, but developments last night and this morning lead me closer and closer to that conclusion....
so, to update:
last night: I went from work to the fitness center; i tried to call and leave a message that I would be late, but my cell was dead, I decided oh well, he'll have a little mystery to deal with. H was home when I got there, and asked where I'd been....I just ran my hands through my sweaty hair and said "guess"...we chatted and just had a pleasant conversation for a few minutes. later I mentioned that i would like for us to go away overnight before S comes home...H asked what I had in mind....I mentioned this little b&b cottage an hour from here, in the middle of no where. h said he wasnt too keen on it, but he'd give it a try if I wanted to...then he said he'd like to visit a musuem in the town where his office is that he hasnt been to, and some of the shops...which I agreed to...then he got kinda "weird" that he really wants to get his weight room done and some yard work so we can do the cook-out with co-workers we've been talking about...got kinda irritated....walked away, went to lift weights. I just backed off. a short time later, he came back and said he was sorry for getting irritable, but he just really does want to get this other stuff done because it seems to never happen. I told him that was fine, I agree we need to focus on that, but that I want us to also get to do somethings together...alone together...and am anxious for that. then he suggested a tiny historic town we've talked about going to for years and never done....sounded great to me...so we've kind of settled on that "soon", meaning within the next month, we will go there for an overnight....

I feel it's hugely significant for H to be coming back to me to apologize; he's done this several times in the last month or so. This is VERY different from the pattern of our entire marriage...always before he would have this huffy, "I'm right so that's it" attitude. So I see this as big, a concious effort on his part, that must be kind of difficult.

just before bed we watched tv for a bit, sitting in our separate chairs in the FR...out of the blue, H looked at me and said "By the way, I love you, and I really appreciate all of your efforts"....I got kind of choked up, and said "I love you too, so much, and I appreciate the things you've been doing, too. I know it's been hard for you sometimes" H said " how do you know that?" and I said "I just do"...just then the phone rang (kids calling ) so that discussion didnt get pursued, but I still think it's big that he said that out of the blue of his own initiative.

this morning, I told him how much I appreciate his efforts to reassure me, that it helps a lot, and that I think I'm beginning to do better with my anxiety. That I'm still working on it and intend to keep working on it. h said something about we were both doing the best we can...i mentioned that I had seen her yesterday and that is still a trigger, and I commented "I wonder how long it will take"...probably not a good thing to say, but I was kinda thinking outloud there....and H said " I don't know, I guess until you don't feel anxious anymore, but there is nothing for you to be anxious about"...then somehow, I don't recall how the conversation took the turn, but H said that she doesnt email him or anything anymore, that he has told her he doesnt want to hear from her or see her, and that she is respecting that. that he gets to the main office and leaves for out of town early and doesnt even see her come in. I was surprised he had told her that, (it's what I've been praying for for months and months!!!!) and said so....I expressed my surprise...h said yes, he had told her that....That she was getting back into that "Lets just be friends" mode, and hanging around,
which has been my worst fear, I know that's how she keeps her hooks into him enough to manipulate him into going back, which is what she does to keep it all going. I really see her "break ups" as an effort to manipulate him into feeling like SHE's what he cant afford/doesnt want to lose so that he will finally leave home for her. Anyway, H said "having that going on just stirs stuff up all over again and keeps it going" (DUUUUHHHH!)and "I told her if it's over it's over and thats what it needs to be". Then H said she called in sick Tuesday (the day he was here in this office) and he felt soooooo much better not having to see her then. (hmmm, he initiated ml that night, too). I was surprised and said "she did" ...and he got kind of defensive and said "yes, you can check it out"...I told him I didnt want to check it out, I try to avoid thinking about her, that I was questioning him, just commenting...and he seemed to calm down a little.

I am certain this is the first time he has ever told her "if it's over it's over" and made any effort to resist her efforts to start things up again...I know he's told her "no contact" and then when she starts whining around in a month or so, he jumps right back in and away it all goes.....

I don't know, this just feels big this time....ahhhhh, also this feels big because it is the FIRST TIME he has been this open about it all....

been around awhile!