Hi Ellie and Mollie and WN and dfb and TC...thanks so much all of you...yes yes and yes, you are all right on target with your input...I KNOW I gotta let go of this stuff and get on with my own stuff/GAL...and stay focused there.
I AM going to not sit around waiting when H is gone...and Ellie, I am repeating like a broken record, "NO MORE BORING WEEKENDS!" yes, 3 solid days of pouring rain and dark dark skies and cleaning kitchen cupboards about did me in.
Actually, that anxiety/panic attack was pretty weird. I think it almost qualifies as a panic attack, and it was building for several days. I need to learn to recognize the triggers. I'm doing much better today, I don't know if it's because AD's are kicking back in, because of the sitch (better!), because of sunshine, all of the above, none of the above....????? however, I did have a lightbulb moment....somebody will probably whack me with a 2/4, but that's ok....I think I need to be. It just dawned on me, part of what might be precipitating this is...I'm embarrased to say this, but, I took a "supplement" that's supposed to help with metabolism, weight loss. I'm real cautious of that stuff, and only took like 1/4 or 1/2 the dose, for 3 days, but maybe I'm real sensitive to it. I gotta check the label when I get home, but I think it says it can cause anxiety and agressiveness and not to exceed the recommended dosage. I didnt take it today, and I'm doing better.
That said, I also may need to talk more, as I've mentioned, with the dr about meds...AD's all the time maybe, or something else, I don't know. the truth is both my kids have been diagnosed with anxiety disorders. ummmmmm, I've never been officially diagnosed, but there's a real strong genetic component to it, so...........I need to work harder to stay on top of this, I guess.
So, to update. by yesterday evening I was still kind of "antsy" but better....when H got home, I was sitting at the table flipping through the mail, calmly, and greeted him pleasantly and cheerfully...and H looked like he had been through a hellish day. it's hard to describe, just looked "worn out"...but said he'd only done 4 clinical hours?????? which is a really light day.
We went upstairs to change at the same time, and just chatted in general.....I don't even remember for sure the conversation. I do recall saying something about appreciating his patience with my fears and issues. H was taking out his contacts at the sink, and actually stopped doing that, put his arms around me in a hug, a nice hug, and said "she is no longer in the picture, you have nothing to fear". He said it with a tone of voice that somehow seemed so genuine, it's impossible to describe, but it went right to the spot....and his eyes and his touch were so warm, I couldnt help but feel better. I believe he said something about me being stuck with him....then I said something about it could be open to debate about who could be stuck with who, since I could slip into being such and anxious pain in the rear...and he hugged me, said "just as long as you're MY pain in the rear", and kissed me.
Then the discussion got kinda weird...h asked me to put some medication on a bug bite on his back....I said "sure, let me demonstrate MY nursing skills to you"...then caught myself, said "I can't believe I said that"....and H said "well she does have nursing skills" (????) I just said, "I'm sure she does....hugged him....winked at him....and said "so let me demonstrate my Becky Home-Ecy skills to you instead, they're better: what shall we have for dinner?" and flirted with him...he actually nodded and hugged me again. THEN it got weirder still. H suddenly, out of the blue, started mentioning ow's physical defects....not her attributes, her defects. So weird. H said "she's overweight" (duh, but I just shrugged)....said "she has a flat butt" (????????again, duh....but WTF?)...."she has a fat back" ....."she has weird stooped shoulders".....( I told you all she was homely).....I didnt say anything other than "hmmmmm"....THEN....ever weirder...H said "her blood pressure is higher than yours"???????!!!!!! to which I did reply, "well after how wound up I've been that last couple of days, that could be up for debate". Then H said " she won't do a thing to try to even maintain it, she refuses to exercise or anything at all, and she eats too much"... Now, this seems REALLY WEIRD to me....what on earth brought all this out/up/on?????? maybe it's him going over to himself reasons why I would be a better choice????? but physical reasons??????? so weird. I don't know, it's almost like blinders have come off or something, and he's just now seeing what was a question mark in my mind for so long.
I have to say, it's an incredibly humbling and mystifiying experience to have your competition be as homely as a mud fence and dress like she had her eyes shut when she did it. I always thought it might be a tad easier to swallow if she was a knock out. maybe not.
weird weird weird. Has any one ever heard of anything like this?????
I did ask H what he meant by his comment about the weight machine being "another broken promise" and he said "I guess that was a really poor choice of words"....I asked if there were things that I had let him down in, and he said sometimes he gets frustrated with waiting for the house to be in better order....hmmmmmmmmmmm......interesting.....I know he really likes order, I think that became a stumbling block w/ow....sometimes our house is pretty messy...especially with the major kitchen cleanup project. We do need to still focus on basement dejunking and garage clean out, and all that good stuff. Plus, our kids may not be the worlds messiest or the worlds biggest keepers of "stuff", but they dont' miss it by much....so anyway, if he was being upfront, that's some guidance to use.
This morning, I noticed he brought me my coffee 1/2 hour earlier than yesterday...last night was the 1st night in 4 that I'd slept, so I was dead to the world when he brought it. H came in as I was getting out of the shower, raised his eyebrows, and said "the girls" looked nice....there was a time I'd have practically beat him for a comment like that, this time I just raised my own eyebrows and grinned and told him he needed to be careful or he'd get himself in trouble.
We went out to do chores, and it was a gloriously beautiful morning, we took just a second to stand and listen to the birds singing...and comment on how great it was. So pretty. I think it reminds us both of how much our home does mean to us.
as h was leaving for work, he put his arms around me and said "I sure love you"... I used bad timing, but it worked out ok this time. I told him I loved him, and that I'd been dying to ask about his comment from yesterday, that "she is out of the picture" ...and h didnt get angry at all as he used to (I take that as a good sign, he used to get furious at any mention of the sitch) and he said "as time goes on it becomes clearer and clearer that she is, and that it needs to be that way"...and I said "and you are feeling ok or better about that?"....H replied, "yes, it is such a huge relief to not have to deal with it, WITH ALL THE EMOTIONALITY constantly, day in and day out. I just can't handle it, I need things to be quiet and peaceful"...I was puzzled, said something I probably shouldnt have:"you mean even with my anxiousness lately, it's still better and calmer????" and he said "yes, if you just get to being a little calmer, everything will be perfect"...and that is the way it ended...
So, I've felt a lot lot better last night and today. I've had several emails from H that are just "chatty", says he's not feeling well today, so maybe it's even more significant that he's been so calm and patient when he doesnt feel good.
What the heck is with him suddenly voicing all her physical imperfections, though??????
