Hi Hope, and all...

Thanks for stopping by Hope, yes, there are so many similarities, arent there? and it is such darn hard stuff to deal with...I wish to heck I had a clue of how to do it.

I started to post an update this AM, and I was so incredibly anxious I was feeling sick to my stomach, and so didnt post, decided to just concentrate on work instead, and to read a little over the lunch hour.

So, the weekend: not a lot to report...I welcome anything anyone picks up on here. I have so many questions, not the least of which is how the heck to deal with the ugly anxiety.

Friday, I got off about noon, took lunch home, H and I ate and chatted. H looked so down/depressed, he suggested a nap, saying he didnt feel well. I'm never quite sure how much is physical/how much is emotional from the grief over the A....
Thursday night he had initiated ML, with poor results...just after he got up from napping, S called from his sisters. I was still lying in bed, talked to him on the phone after H did. I was still in my undies, and I couldnt resist being naughty, I turned to make sure H got a good view of "the girls", and it worked like a charm , h got undressed after he'd just gotten dressed, hopped back in bed, and "indulged", with no problems at all.

Saturday, H stayed home (no paperwork) after our difficult email discussion earlier in the week. He mowed, I worked on cleaning up (still) the ugly mess in the kitchen, went to church....nothing really fun, and it was kind of a depressing weekend as it rained almost the whole time. however, H initiated ML again, again with no problems. Go figure. If anyone has a clue what's going on with this, I'd be so interested in hearing it.

I also REALLY want to get out together to do some fun stuff, and as of yet, nothing much happens...I don't know whether to plan stuff, ask him if we can, or just let it ride for a while longer. That is eventually going to be a "must have" though. thoughts?????

Yesterday things got really really tough....h came back to bed after doing chores...I snuggled up to him, he commented "I don't feel naughty" (meaning not in the mood for sex)...I told him ok...he just seemed so "out of it"...usually he snuggles for a while, it's kind of a "tradition" on Sunday mornings, but yesterday he got up, said he was going for a walk, and just pretty much left in short order...this is where I lost it. The guy walked from 9:30 ish to about 1 pm. had said he'd be back for lunch at noon...in the rain ; I didnt even think he was a wet as he "should have" been...came in quietly as I was losing my mind, nearly throwing up from anxiety...said "If I'd had my phone with me I'd have had you come pick me up"...said he got caught in a down pour and had to wait it out....in a protected, tree filled area (?????) I just plain told him I was having a hard time, that his being late was making me nuts with anxiety, he said he thought he could take a walk with out that happening. I asked him if he goes to see/meet her when he takes those long walks. He said know, that I didnt need to worry about that because she wasnt one to get up on Sunday morning and didnt like to walk....but it still felt "icky" somehow. H said he has a hard time on the weekends, that he walks sometimes to "get away"....that he was feeling pretty down, said "I told you I would have some bad days, that I wouldnt be able to get over this all at once"...said "I cant do my grieving when I have to deal with helping you keep from flipping out"

I just said "I know it makes it harder on you, and I am working on it and trying, but I'm having a tough time, really struggling, and I'm sorry"...H said "I know you are, and it's not your fault, I'm sorry"...

sometime in the afternoon, H cut a shelf board for a cabinet that I asked him to do...I told him "thanks", and he said "you don't have to thank me for every little thing"... I asked if it was something he got tired of hearing, and he said no, but you don't have to do it all the time ???????? I don't know what to make of that, coming from the guy who said I thought of him as "just a piece of furniture" a year and 1/2 ago???? WTF???? I don't go overboard, just have gotten in the habit of saying a simple "thanks" when he does stuff, everynow and then thanking him for stuff like laundry, etc., Can a person say that too much??

in the evening, H commented "I can't believe how much attention this cat is needing tonight" (cat was curled in his lap like a baby, and would get right back up anytime H put him down. I said "see I'm not the only "cling-on" in this house"...and h came to me, pushed my nose, and said "no, but you're the cutest", and gave me a hug.

I didnt sleep well last night from all the anxiety still...this morning, H seemed so cheerful, and he woke me later than usual...which of course set off an instant ow alert. at one point I hugged him, said "I'm still scared" and he hugged back and said "well stop being scared, you don't need to be" ...I said, again, I'm trying to work on it, but it seems to be really hard for me" and H said something to the effect of "I know it is and I'm so sorry".....

I feel a little calmer this afternoon, but damn it's hard, I am absolutely terrified of going back through all this again. I am trying to trust...but I have no clue how to do that when it's been an exercise in idiocy in the past. any input would help.

When h came home from his walk on Sunday, I was getting ready to leave the house, because I just couldnt take sitting there waiting. I hadnt decided where to go, was thinking I'd just go to the library or bookstore or window shopping, ANYTHING to get away from being there waiting and getting so anxious I was about to vomit....next time I will do that....

I havent gotten my outfit put together that Ellie suggested, but I did get the shirt....knew exactly where to get that and picked it up Friday....

I dunno, anything about this stuff bring up any thoughts to anyone?????

I think I am nearly as anxious now as I was back in the beginning...it is so hard not to have expectations........

been around awhile!