Good Morning, Hope! thank you so much for the compliment, but I feel pretty unworthy of it. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the anxiety it is hard to keep my eyes off the ditch, so to speak.
However, I have slowly and painfully learned that when all else fails and I'm about to blow, the best thing to do is often just to shut up, look at him, smile and not say a word...or smile, not say a word, and walk off.
Lord knows, if I ever did what my instincts tell me to do, H would be permanently shaped like a pretzel, and ow would have returned to dust a long time ago!
just a quick update....I feel again like I'm going in circles from confusion. H is totally completely weird, in a "funk", I guess you would say. H seems alternately really po'd and then so depressed he's about to bawl....when I say alternately, I mean in the space of maybe 15 -20 minutes he swings from one to the other.
to recap: He stopped by my office last night on the his way out. I was on my supper break, and was looking at some spicy undies on the computer. H saw them, and was quite enthralled. When I got home around 9, he was in the basement, came right upstairs when I walked in...he often spent time on the phone w/ow down there, I don't know if he'd have been doing that or not, but he came upstairs immediately.
We watched a little tv...I swear, I view this as an AOS for him, I am NOT that into tv, in fact I never used to watch it, but he seems to like it when I watch it with him....while we were doing that, he asked if I'd ordered the racy bras....told him I hadnt yet, cause I didnt want to do that at work...he just sighed.
at bed time, he initiated ML....commented he'd been thinking all evening about those undies....I guess I better get them ordered ...and seemed enthusiastic. but it was the weirdest thing...I hate to be blunt, but he wasnt able to have an orgasm, which is very rare....I havent a clue what would cause that.
Several times in the night he did reach out and hold and snuggle me, firmly enough that I woke up enough to know he was doing it, in a way that somehow seemed like he was trying to reassure himself.
I had to come to work this am, H is off, so we talked just briefly before I walked out the door. He seemed so down and angry, just real irritable. I commented that he seemed unhappy, and he said he physically didnt feel well (I've heard this a lot during the wonderful, blissful A)...I told him I understood that, but he seemed angry or upset, as well. that I was always there to listen if he wanted me to, and that if I'd done something to upset him, that I was open to discussing it. then he kinda opened up....said "I'm trying to deal with "stuff". I asked,"physical stuff, or other stuff" and he said "other stuff". I told you that it's going to take me a while, that there will be days when I'm sad and when I'm mad. It's hard to get over, it doesnt "just happen", and I have to try to deal with that and then I have to deal with your stuff (meaning my anxiousness) at the same time and it makes it harder. Sometimes I do better if I just have a little space. At the time I was able to be calm and ration, told him I know my anxiety is hard, that it's real tough for me but i'm working on it, that I know this stuff is hard for him and that is ok, I don't expect it to be blown over all at once, that I understand... H said that I have nothing to be anxious about or fretting over, that "we are going to be fine, it just is going to take me awhile"...
I told him I loved him and would try to help however I could, that I need him to let me know what/if I can do something to help, and that sometimes when he withdraws I think it's something I've done (yes, I know, Mars/Venus stuff here) and that it helps me a lot to know that he will tell me if there is something between us, or that he just is "off".
He just nodded, said "I know you love me"...I kind of teased and said "well now, how do you know that", and he said "you tell me " . Probably I shouldn't have, but I couldnt resist commenting "hmmmm, I hope there are other ways you know to!" ....then I just told him "see you soon" and left for work.
So, I don't know, I keep reminding myself of the "Mars/Venus" scenerio, and of what others here have reminded me/told me, that there will be days when he's not very nice to be around when the A actually ends (from that standpoint, maybe this is actually a good thing?) and to keep a lid on my anxiety by dropping the rope and focusing on positives...in both our R, as in sexy outfits and building "good stuff" between us; and in my own life, as in working out and figuring out finances for me (?????easier said than done!!!)etc.
I dunno, though, anyone have any other thoughts/insights on the sex stuff, the hot/cold emotional stuff????
Oh, last night when we were watching tv, I commented that the nurse who is an office mate w/ow came in late to a meeting and looked like she'd been crying....H said "well, I wouldnt be surprised if she'd been fighting with her old buddy"...I asked what/who he meant, and he said ow....that they hate each other and fight like cats and dogs and always get each other in trouble, and "old D.... loves to argue and fight, and she will never ever give one up or get over it, it's a lifetime thing with her once it starts"....I couldnt decide if that comment means he may be starting to see ow as she really is, or not. Don't I wish.
You are anxious that H might go back to ow. But now is when as Ellie said you need to be your best, kindest wonderful self so he can see that there's no contest.
I do think it seems that he is seeing her as she really is and he's actually opening up with you about it which I think is a positive.
Don't let the anxiety bug derail you. Maybe you can do something for yourself in the midst of all this to make you feel better.
i know, Hope, you (and Ellie) are absolutely right that this is when I gotta keep myself on a calm, even keel. I'm gonna focus on maybe just doing some little fun things to try to keep myself a little more distracted from it all...gonna workout this after noon, maybe do a teeny bit of shopping. However, I still have to finish up the darn kitchen...ick, I will be so glad to get that done. cross your fingers for me!
Thanks for dropping by my thread. I see so many similarities with the anxiety thing for me as well. It has caused me to sabotage things many a time. Reading sage's old threads I see she had a similar problem for a while there as well.
Posting to you and others and reading your posts and others helps me to try to get control of it. Hoping all is well with you.
Thanks for stopping by Hope, yes, there are so many similarities, arent there? and it is such darn hard stuff to deal with...I wish to heck I had a clue of how to do it.
I started to post an update this AM, and I was so incredibly anxious I was feeling sick to my stomach, and so didnt post, decided to just concentrate on work instead, and to read a little over the lunch hour.
So, the weekend: not a lot to report...I welcome anything anyone picks up on here. I have so many questions, not the least of which is how the heck to deal with the ugly anxiety.
Friday, I got off about noon, took lunch home, H and I ate and chatted. H looked so down/depressed, he suggested a nap, saying he didnt feel well. I'm never quite sure how much is physical/how much is emotional from the grief over the A.... Thursday night he had initiated ML, with poor results...just after he got up from napping, S called from his sisters. I was still lying in bed, talked to him on the phone after H did. I was still in my undies, and I couldnt resist being naughty, I turned to make sure H got a good view of "the girls", and it worked like a charm , h got undressed after he'd just gotten dressed, hopped back in bed, and "indulged", with no problems at all.
Saturday, H stayed home (no paperwork) after our difficult email discussion earlier in the week. He mowed, I worked on cleaning up (still) the ugly mess in the kitchen, went to church....nothing really fun, and it was kind of a depressing weekend as it rained almost the whole time. however, H initiated ML again, again with no problems. Go figure. If anyone has a clue what's going on with this, I'd be so interested in hearing it.
I also REALLY want to get out together to do some fun stuff, and as of yet, nothing much happens...I don't know whether to plan stuff, ask him if we can, or just let it ride for a while longer. That is eventually going to be a "must have" though. thoughts?????
Yesterday things got really really tough....h came back to bed after doing chores...I snuggled up to him, he commented "I don't feel naughty" (meaning not in the mood for sex)...I told him ok...he just seemed so "out of it"...usually he snuggles for a while, it's kind of a "tradition" on Sunday mornings, but yesterday he got up, said he was going for a walk, and just pretty much left in short order...this is where I lost it. The guy walked from 9:30 ish to about 1 pm. had said he'd be back for lunch at noon...in the rain ; I didnt even think he was a wet as he "should have" been...came in quietly as I was losing my mind, nearly throwing up from anxiety...said "If I'd had my phone with me I'd have had you come pick me up"...said he got caught in a down pour and had to wait it out....in a protected, tree filled area (?????) I just plain told him I was having a hard time, that his being late was making me nuts with anxiety, he said he thought he could take a walk with out that happening. I asked him if he goes to see/meet her when he takes those long walks. He said know, that I didnt need to worry about that because she wasnt one to get up on Sunday morning and didnt like to walk....but it still felt "icky" somehow. H said he has a hard time on the weekends, that he walks sometimes to "get away"....that he was feeling pretty down, said "I told you I would have some bad days, that I wouldnt be able to get over this all at once"...said "I cant do my grieving when I have to deal with helping you keep from flipping out"
I just said "I know it makes it harder on you, and I am working on it and trying, but I'm having a tough time, really struggling, and I'm sorry"...H said "I know you are, and it's not your fault, I'm sorry"...
sometime in the afternoon, H cut a shelf board for a cabinet that I asked him to do...I told him "thanks", and he said "you don't have to thank me for every little thing"... I asked if it was something he got tired of hearing, and he said no, but you don't have to do it all the time ???????? I don't know what to make of that, coming from the guy who said I thought of him as "just a piece of furniture" a year and 1/2 ago???? WTF???? I don't go overboard, just have gotten in the habit of saying a simple "thanks" when he does stuff, everynow and then thanking him for stuff like laundry, etc., Can a person say that too much??
in the evening, H commented "I can't believe how much attention this cat is needing tonight" (cat was curled in his lap like a baby, and would get right back up anytime H put him down. I said "see I'm not the only "cling-on" in this house"...and h came to me, pushed my nose, and said "no, but you're the cutest", and gave me a hug.
I didnt sleep well last night from all the anxiety still...this morning, H seemed so cheerful, and he woke me later than usual...which of course set off an instant ow alert. at one point I hugged him, said "I'm still scared" and he hugged back and said "well stop being scared, you don't need to be" ...I said, again, I'm trying to work on it, but it seems to be really hard for me" and H said something to the effect of "I know it is and I'm so sorry".....
I feel a little calmer this afternoon, but damn it's hard, I am absolutely terrified of going back through all this again. I am trying to trust...but I have no clue how to do that when it's been an exercise in idiocy in the past. any input would help.
When h came home from his walk on Sunday, I was getting ready to leave the house, because I just couldnt take sitting there waiting. I hadnt decided where to go, was thinking I'd just go to the library or bookstore or window shopping, ANYTHING to get away from being there waiting and getting so anxious I was about to vomit....next time I will do that....
I havent gotten my outfit put together that Ellie suggested, but I did get the shirt....knew exactly where to get that and picked it up Friday....
I dunno, anything about this stuff bring up any thoughts to anyone?????
I think I am nearly as anxious now as I was back in the beginning...it is so hard not to have expectations........
I'm reading "after the affair"...hoping it may have some ideas on how to deal with the darned anxiety.......I hate it.
It says that you will have to ask straight out for the support you need, so I'm not sure how that fits in with what I need to do...I'm hoping we're really at the point where I can begin to do that. and the book says it offers suggestions. I hope to get to that part soon.
One thing I forgot to mention, sometime in the weekend, H mentioned wanting to get his weight machine set up, that it was "one more broken promise"...well, it is still in the box in the basement, BIL who was supposed to put it together reniged on the deal, and I can't do it by myself...I've mentioned/asked H if he wants to work on it several times, but he kinda wiffles and waffles, so I havnt pushed it. it occured to me this weekend that if it's still in the box, it's a lot easier for him to move....I know that sounds paranoid, but I swear that is how H's brain works....just like he said once he didnt want the "OnStar" in his vehicle activated because then he could be "tracked down"...I knew where he didnt want to be found, and I was right.
So, now he's talking about want to get the machine put up...I guess maybe that's good, because he's saying he needs it...but I don't know what to think of the "one more broken promise" comment, it kind of worries me....I guess still some anger there, some blame, obviously???? Replay, still?????
I managed to stay in neutral db mode, just said "yes, we need to make that a priority, I'll be glad to work on it with you this coming weekend if you want", which seemed to sort of "defuse" him, he almost started to waffle again, which does nothing to help my anxiety. Although maybe what looks like "waffling" was just the hot air of anger hissing out of him...................sigh....................who knows???????wish to heck I did, or had a clue..............
How long does this damnable grieving last?????anyone know????????????????? It trys my patience sorely that he is grieving this manipulative nasty conniving parasitic skank who has literally stolen so much from our family. Good God. and he goes back to that after he's begun to show glimpses of seeing her for what she is. Do they all go back and forth like that????????????????//
Try to calm down, Deb. Lots of analyzing and crazymaking in your post. Stop bugging him about the weight machine. You might not think you are bugging him but he probably sees it that way. Let him talk when he wants to and make his decisions about things when he's ready. And you have to try to stop telling him you are scared. He knows and he knows when he goes out that you are worrying, but he has to do it right now. And he cannot reassure you right now. Unfortunately, he is probably stressed out as far as he can be without falling apart with all the stuff in his mind and you adding to it is going to start pushing him away.
I know it is hard but please try your best to leave him alone. Get to a counselor and work on your self-esteem issues. Work on our GAL. Get busy and think about something else. Did you get back on your prozac? I know it is easier said than done--I've been in it--still am to some degree. You can do it!
Start planning some things! Get some funny movies! Go out to a comedy club. Go for a hike. GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE!!! He needs to see that life with you is going to be new and exciting, not the same old same old.
And give yourself a week moratorium on telling him you're anxious. It's okay to ask for reassurance, but this is way too much, too soon.
Deb - I agree with Ellie. If your H was going out for an extended walk, you can just let him know that you are going out too. To a movie, to go bowling, roller skating, working out - anything that you enjoy. You should do something each weekend - if he wants to join you, then fine. If not, then go yourself! It will help your anxiety to go out and have fun and not just sit around and worry.
...and seemed enthusiastic. but it was the weirdest thing...I hate to be blunt, but he wasnt able to have an orgasm, which is very rare....I havent a clue what would cause that. 
, h got undressed after he'd just gotten dressed, hopped back in bed, and "indulged", with no problems at all. 
; I didnt even think he was a wet as he "should have" been...came in quietly as I was losing my mind, nearly throwing up from anxiety...said "If I'd had my phone with me I'd have had you come pick me up"...said he got caught in a down pour and had to wait it out....in a protected, tree filled area (?????) I just plain told him I was having a hard time, that his being late was making me nuts with anxiety, he said he thought he could take a walk with out that happening. I asked him if he goes to see/meet her when he takes those long walks. He said know, that I didnt need to worry about that because she wasnt one to get up on Sunday morning and didnt like to walk....but it still felt "icky" somehow. H said he has a hard time on the weekends, that he walks sometimes to "get away"....that he was feeling pretty down, said "I told you I would have some bad days, that I wouldnt be able to get over this all at once"...said "I cant do my grieving when I have to deal with helping you keep from flipping out" 