oh, ouch, the anxiety bug is chewing on me again. I am surprised at how strongly this hits me still. I have nothing to report from last night, it was a really dull evening, H walked for an hour, I didnt go because it was 98 degrees still at 7 pm and I was STILL cleaning kitchen cabinets (almost done, thank the Lord)....we just watched tv a little and went to bed. I thought H seemed a little down and with drawn, and this morning when he brought me coffee I thought he kind of rushed off.
He still isnt wearing his ring again, although it sits atop a book on his dresser, not buried in a basket. H did nothing to reassure me, and I guess that is part of my anxiety, although realistically and objectively I know that it's not even fair to expect that much from him right now when he's still hurting. (even though his hurt hurts me)....
I've managed to bite my lip and tongue and not ask for any kind of reassurance. although heaven knows I could use it....maybe all he had to give he gave the day before with bringing home his schedule and talking for hours.
Again, I'm just shocked at how hard it is. Maybe it isnt surprising though, this damn A has gone on for over 2 years now, and I've been through this at least 2X before. I think it made me more anxious the other night when he said they had broken up before for 6 or 8 weeks....maybe if it would ever hit the 12 week mark I would feel better.
I'm trying to shift my focus back to building more "good stuff" between us, kinda hard to get back there after the last month, and it has been a month now since I pushed him so hard.
I did read through Sage's thread, and it helps to see that she also has struggled with the anxiety. If anyone has any clues on dealing with it, I could sure use them....Ellie's adage about not looking at the ditch if you don't want to go there has almost become my mantra of late.
I'm not sure what to do that would be affirming of the goodness in our R and yet not pushing him too much too soon. I know he needs some time to grieve and process, but I want to give him something positive to focus on as well.
I did mention I thought we needed to go somewhere over night while S is gone, just the 2 of us, and he said "I'm game", so I'm debating whether to plan something as a surprise or get him involved....I just don't know.
I'm trying to think of little pleasant things I can do....I still need to get the pictures for his office framed, I can do that quickly, I know he'd like that....;
I used to put cards in his lunch and leave them for him, etc., until I found some the ow had given him, even the same damn ones, so I've backed way off on that....he seems to have really liked the copy of "The Prophet" I gave him, so maybe something like that. I'm thinking he might like Ogden Nash, maybe I'll check with the book store.
I dunno, I'm thinking of maybe fixing breakfast early saturday if he stays home, wearing a see-thru top with nothing under it. I don't know if that's too forward or not, just kinda depends and is hard to predict. hhmmmmmm
The house is really a wreck right now with so much stuff out of cabinets and all, so getting that done would be good. and then some more....I still havent gotten our br redecorated as much as I want, but it's so hard to find the time when everyone is home and there are a jillion things to keep up with and QT for us is a top priority, even if it's just sitting and talking or watching tv....I dunno, I really am stumped for something different and small but pleasant and fun....any ideas????
I may even call the dr and see if I can bump up this prozac a bit to help with some of the anxiety.
I guess one small + did happen, we were chatting this morning about how we did/didnt sleep (lord we do sound like old married people) and I commented that I hoped I hadnt woke him/bothered him, because I had snuggled up against him to "spoon" a couple of times in the night...and he said "I remember once, you don't need to worry about that, it's never a problem, I like it"....so I guess that's different from the days when we both clung to our own side of the bed.
I'm feeling like I must be the most boring person on earth right now....and really trying to think of something I can do to be "different", exciting, without looking/acting like a 50 year old woman who's lost her mind and reverted to a teen ager. Guess that rules out the Harley, even if I had the $$$...or not....but, WHAT can I do that wouldnt seem rediculous????????????????
