Hi all. thanks, Debra and DFB and WN and Hope for all your support.

Last night was interesting, and actually I think a major turning point. some pretty big/amazing things actually happened. you will never believe this, but I am beginning to believe H that it is over, and that we will make it.

This has been such a time of upheaval lately, but maybe that is what needed to happen. I am so tired today I could have slept all day. and I slept like a log last night and overslept this morning on top of that.

Debra, bless your heart, your note about how to respond when he came home last night helped me so much. I printed it off, and must have read it a dozen times just to get it set in my mind what I was going to say and do. It is currently stashed under the silverware tray in my kitchen drawer, which is where I shoved it in a hurry when I heard him coming in last night.

so, to try to recap (this may be long, sorry, but a lot of stuff happened that seemed big that I want to be sure to journal)
H came in the door a little after 8, looking absolutely like he was scared to come in, the look of trepidation on his face was palpable. I could tell he didnt know what to expect, but was pretty much expecting a huge nasty scene. I looked at him, took a breath to try to stay collected. H said "what?" defensively and I just said "it's nice to see you"....with that he put his arms around me and hugged me, and said "I'm so sorry to have upset you this afternoon. I didnt mean to at all, I was just blowing off steam at the increasing paperwork load" then he said "here, I want to show you this"....and he had a printed copy of all his scheduled appointments for this week. he pointed out to me that he has about 8 more appointments booked than he would in a "normal" week....I saw it in black and white, he really is booked tight. He said "I will not go this weekend to do the paperwork, even if it puts me behind"....Then, unprompted, he said "or you could go over with me and we could have breakfast or something"! I told him what I'd rehearsed from your note, Debra: that I was struggling with everything being so "fresh" from the recent revelations, and that it just set things off for me....that I was working on it, but it was taking me a while...that I don't expect him to live in a bubble under my watchful eye, but that it all sounds so much like what I've heard before that it's very difficult. That I would love to go with him Saturday, that even breakfast at McDonalds would be fun....

Ok, this seems huge to me....I keep thinking why? several reasons come to mind: this is the first time he has ever made distinct efforts to provide me with reassurance that I've told him I so desperatly need. Obviously he put time and effort on his own into trying to figure out HOW to give me some reassurance, and did what he thought might help...as in printing off his schedule...saying he wouldnt go this weekend....INVITING ME ON HIS OWN TO GO WITH HIM!

Then he apologized several times, for upsetting me yesterday afternoon, but also for the A and all the pain...I counted 6 times last night that he apologized.

Then he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. Of course I jumped at the chance, we walked for a little over an hour and he talked the whole time about the A and the breakup and answered questions.

So many things were discussed it's hard to remember them all. I'm trying to recall...sure I'll leave a lot of them out. so...things he told me...bits and pieces about how their relationship worked (not the sex, I wont listen to that and he hasnt tried) and the parts that didnt work and ultimately brought them to the point of ending it: things that were appealing included her childish excitement about things, her (puke) devotion to him, her daughter--evidently he read the same stories, etc., to her he read to our D when she was younger. Strange, but I always thought that was a part of the "pull", he was such a proud papa to his "little girl"...and I sensed he was really in a lot of grief when she went to college, then found her H, but he would never open up about it....although he certainly loves "my little boy"....somehow he felt what he saw as the loss of D so strongly.

Things that doomed their R: ow's temper and demands; her unreliability and unpredictibility (abosolutely drove him up the wall)her disorganization (ditto) ...

H talked about taking her to museums , mentioned that she loved it and had never been places like that before, said, "it was weird, because they were places we would/had gone just as a matter of routine for our family". I'm not sure why that seems significant, I guess because I'm picking up that it somehow fullfilled a need H has to what....see that he's "teaching", showing people new things, being appreciated? all of the above, probably.

H talked about the horrible guilt that he felt, about the stress of lying and deciding what to say and having to remember what he said. That that is not who he is or the kind of person he is and he came to hate himself for that.

I mentioned that I have thought that recently he has seemed more at peace, more relaxed....he thought, and agreed, said "I'm sure I do, because I am, you can not imagine the hell of living with that, it is terrible".

He said that he found himself becoming constantly angry and irritable from their relationship, and hated that in himself as well, but that he had learned from that that who you are in partnership with really does affect your perception of the world and how you respond, that he always thought of himself as such a calm, even tempered person, (I also see him that way) but that it got to the point where he was always furious and ready to fight at the drop of a hat for no reason because she was constantly angry.

H mentioned that ow had a lot of traits that make it so difficult to be in a relationship...that you are either wonderful beyond words or a piece of s--t, and when you are wonderful you are on a pedestal, but it is terrifying because you know you are going to fall and become the lowest piece of scum, and there is nothing you can do to prevent the fall. Said he used to spend hours trying to think what he could do to prevent the "fall", the fights', etc., and there wasn't a thing he could do, that it became exhausting. And there were times when he came home from getting his butt chewed by her to get it chewed by me....but "you never cut me to the bone like she did" (I didnt ask about that)...I just said "you got bit on both cheeks, huh?" and he agreed, mentioned his blue sweatshirt still being stretched out from both me and ow grabbing it and shaking him.

H talked about the sheer exhaustion from trying to do everything at 2 places: mow one lawn, run and mow another; bring the xmase decorations up from the basement here and there, take them back to the basement here and there.

Said ow is "being firm", but that they have both decided it was time to end it, that after she read my emails a couple of weeks ago she said that was what had to happen, and he agreed. That that R had become so horribly painful that he couldnt go on living with it. that it just got worse and worse all the time.

I asked why they stayed together for so long when it was so painful, and he said it was because there really were some fun times, and that it seemed important to be absolutely sure before letting go.

H said that she has emailed him at work, but only about "appropriate, unavoidable work stuff", like asking him to take a case, etc.; he brought this up on his own. That the extent of their conversation is a passing "hi" in the hall, as with anyone. I asked if it's hard to see her on Tuesdays, and he said he really doesnt much, that yesterday he had to go to the med records room, she was at the copier located just outside the door way, he went to another room and waited a minute and she was gone and he didnt see her anymore.

He said that it helps so much having "the kids" as coworkers in the out of town office, because they are funny and talkative and energtic and it gives him a lift and helps keep his mind off of her...

Said that ow had been "living from guy to guy", moving in with one then another....I kinda knew that, didnt know H would EVER see that...and of course h commented how bad that was for her D...I mentioned it wasnt healthy for ow, either. geez, how can anybody live like that?

That she has gone back to church, gone to confession (that's a big thing for a cradle catholic) and that part of her penance/atonement was to write me a letter of apology...I still have that noted in my calendar for shortly after hell freezes over.

I told H thanks for sharing, that it helps me a lot, and he looked really concerned, and said "Really? it does? are you sure, because I don't want to do anything that doesnt"....

H initiated ML at bedtime, no performance problems (?????);
this morning I got an email from him at 9 that ended with "love you"...got a response to the one I sent him saying "thanks for the email, it was nice" and "don't sweat it, this is just going to take some time and I know that"....

so, again, I'm starting to believe it must really be over. H has never shared like this with me before, ever actually. And last night I did fine listening. I even was able to hear about her health problems, which is where I blew up last time.

I have to say, its probably a good thing we talked for hours, because this morning ow's vehicle is parked right outside my office window. it would have probably been driving me nuts before, this morning I'm able to think well, she probably just parked there in her state of disorganization...since h talked about how she cant even remember to set an alarm clock.


been around awhile!