ok, weekend update...not a lot to report, except that sometimes I swear, I do feel like the Devil himself follows me around trying to get his digs and claws in at me... and sometimes I just want to scream "enough already"...so ok, I was thinking alot about Ellies post about remembering to work on the fun loving woman that H wants/needs but thought he'd lost. ok, so I'm gearing up for that, and.....then....the period I havent had for 3 months starts, with a vengence, like 3 months at once and 3 months worth of cramps to go with it. enough to make me want to crawl in a corner and hide in the dark. I even called in sick to work yesterday. It seems to be evening out a little today, thank God, so maybe it wont be one of those 3-week long deals. ick.

But then it gets worse. this is horrible (and has nothing to do with H)but I was getting some things I don't use very often out of the back of a kitchen cabinet, and I discovered, a mouse had been in there. and made a horrible nasty health hazard of a mess. and then I looked in the other cabinets. and found the same thing way in the back. Evidently the contractor didnt seal the openings where pipes, etc., are, and the happy little camper made himself at home. It was horrible. I spent 1/2 of Saturday, all day Sunday and part of the day I was home yesterday taking EVERYTHING out of the cabinets, throwing away a lawn and leaf size garbage bag of stuff, disinfecting the cabinets and every thing that could be disinfected, sealing what the contractor should have sealed, and putting it all back. I still have 2 drawers to go. So much for being a fun exciting woman . I did put on Tom Petty while I was working though . I can't describe what an awful job it was. H helped a little, cut some materials for me and helped pull stuff out and take things to the trash, but somehow the burden fell to me. It was hideous. that's the only way to describe it. another joy of country life.

so, let's see....Friday I went to work out... my goal for the next month is to get there 3X a week, no matter what...on the way home, I stopped by a craft store...I'm walking down an aisle, and who do I walk right into? yep, ow/whore...she looked alternately like she wanted to run, throw up, and stomp on me....gave me that ugly mean-eyed cold look I've seen before. Then she turned around, and this is an awful thing to notice/comment about, but she dresses like an old man whose clothes don't fit. I have never seen pants fit a woman like hers did. somehow she had them pulled way up on the sides, and the middle back of the waist pulled way down so it kind of made a "U"...which, because the sides were pulled so high, meant that her pants in the rear made a big circle pulled right around her butt, which stuck out in the middle of the circle. I kept thinking it made a perfect target for me to kick...I laughed right out loud, couldnt help it.

When I got out to the parking lot, the b---h had parked right next to me. Sound familiar? and it had to be purposeful, there were only a few cars in the lot at the time, and she had to recognize my vehicle. Later in the evening I mentioned it to H...he said "she gave you the cold eyes?" kind of surprised like, and then said "well I don't imagine she's very happy right now"...when I mentioned her parking next to me, he said "maybe that's the only place that was left...when I told him it wasnt, the lot was pretty much empty, he didnt say much. He did comment "maybe you can be friends someday"...to which I commented without thinking, kind of an outburst "why the hell would I want or need a friend like that". h looked shocked, and said "well, friendly maybe"....I just looked at him and said "I don't think so, it's to everyones advantage for her to stay as far away from me as she can and vice versa"...then h said "she's not a bad person" which I did not enjoy hearing. but i didnt discuss it, just walked off.

later that evening, at some point H commented "it's nice to know you still want me" I don't recall what brought that comment up, I know there wasnt a discussion going on, seems like it was kind of out of the blue...I said "did you really think I didn't or wouldn't" and he said "yes, for years I thought that"...I said "did you want me all those years?" and he said "yes"....I got kind of teary eyed and hugged him, and said something about how I hated it that we got so far off track with each other"....a couple of nice hugs and kisses happened then.

Saturday morning, H initiated ML, but couldnt perform very well (I have no clue what brings this on), same thing happened Saturday night. I don't know if it's from stress or guilt or grief or what....I do know he hasnt been w/the w---e....Sunday H walked, seemed kinda down and despondent, I commented about it and that I was ready and able to listen if he wanted to talk, otherwise that I wanted him to know I loved him and wanted to help if he would just let me know how he needed me to help. He said he appreciated that, that just knowing and hearing that helped a lot...that I was doing fine, there wasnt much to be done differently, and "I'm just going to have some down days", that it's better on days when he's at work in the out-of-town office because he's busy....I told him I was sorry he was hurting, that I knew it had to be hard. I asked him (maybe I shouldnt have) if he thought that in the long run it would have hurt more if we had broken up, and he said "oh, yes"....

so, this morning, I already posted about the interaction about the bad dreams/"I don't think I'll go back" comments. He's here in the office where ow is today, and I've had a couple of cranky emails from him about how he hates it here. I wonder if it's because of ow, I don't know but suspect that may be part of it.

been around awhile!