Quote: But in truth at some point in your life you are going to get older and either medically or physically chances are that same person that it was the all almighty important thing to is not going to be able to perform this function often or at all.
So, in the mean time, 20 or 30 years before this aging process happens a HD person has all of these feelings inside boiling away about to blow the safety valve so much so that resentment damages the M and when you get older and don't produce steam/desire you are just supposed to hold hands and say to the LD spouse, "let's be friends, I will let all past resentments go." I don't think that is how people work.
If in my case, I desire lots of physical contact during the week and sex 2X a week and W only likes short kisses, hours of foot and back rubs daily and sex 1X a month, and this goes on for 20/30 years. That Is OK? Kind of seems one sided to me.
Also suppose, I make many compromises because W is a LD person and my Resentment/frustrations build for 20/30 years. Then some day ED hits me and I think back to all of the hoops I had to jump through just to try to have some intimate, caring, and sexual relationship with my W and now one way that means a lot to me to express that connection is gone, I am going to just say lets hold hands, I still love you. I forgive you for turning me down 50%/75% of the time. Not very likely.
Chrissy, I agree with what you say. Marriage is more than sex. Lots more. But do you see how much "damaging frustration" some HD people here feel. Do you see how much better some HD or what really are normal drive people feel when around someone that has almost no sex drive or has a policy of no, or little sex, as a way to control something in their life, effects the higher drive spouse?
I know people and circumstances change and the honeymoon does not last for ever. But going from every day sex/ML to a couple times a year for some people, is almost like not being a person, just a component in a machine. Go to work, earn money, spend to maintain a house hold and kids. Less and less joy every month. Why live like that.
Sometimes it's like I commited a crime and have to be punished. I did not fool around before marriage because I did not want to have to marry someone because of a pregnancy.
I got married because I loves someone, wanted to have a family with that person, wanted to maintain an emotional, physical, duty bound, and sexual connection with that one person.
Like you said, people get older and things change. But opting out of sex 20 or 30 years before one gets old leaves the other HD person with a contract that does not deliver the intended goods but you still have to pay your contract fees, fidelity, acts of service, friendship, loyality, and etc.
To me all of these feelings and obligations are a package. You can't say I want all of the marriage interactions but leave out the sex when one person needs sex/ML to feel whole.
Try buying apples at the store with out the seeds. When you buy apples you get the skins, the pulp, the core, the seeds, and sometimes stem and leaves.
Just so you don't think I am an all or nothing guy, I compromise in many ways and have been for a long time. Maybe compromising is at the root of my problem like others here.
But like a lot of other HD people here we are frustrated, we don't feel whole, we don't see why our SO won't take 30 minuets a couple times a week to make out a little then ML. Why won't SO change while we are trying to make things work and the minuet we say we won't live in an almost sexless M, all of a sudden they will work on their low sex drive????????
I see your point Chrissy, ML/sex does not equal a marriage. Other things come up and take much more time. But too many LD spouses don't see the problems or are reluctant to do much to about their personal, or the relationships causes, for their low driveness in the M. It seems they would rather spend hours avoiding sex than work 30 minuets to find solutions to the problems.
