Your wife expects to have desire for you in bed. A long time spent in preparation is probably indicative of her attempt to 'get ready'.
She mentions therapy. She is trying to figure out how to desire you by desiring sex. She is obviously trying to reason out her lack of physical response.
At 51, intimacy is the real issue. Intimacy is a salve and a balm for wayward hormones and interruptions in physical desire. It is the thing that allows for her not to be horny and still enjoy time spent in sexual encounters with you.
Instead of threatening to walk, try and work with her on a plan to create intimacy.
Whether or not she makes efforts at a level that you approve of, she is still making an effort. That is something that you can work with.
She obviously wants to make it better for you, and HER. It is not unreasonable that she should be able to get something out of having sex with you.
If at all possible, work WITH your wife on this issue. Demanding that she become an opera star when she can barely sustain a note will not get you far. It takes lots of practice first.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Tim... I also joined the board when you and a few others were doing the heavy PM work, and your insights and resolve helped me so much. I agree with you that at some pint, both partners have to get in the act of making the relationship an intimate one, but I don't think you have reached the limit in what you can do. Your W " knows" that she can placate you with some attempts at a sexual connection, and then she knows the issue will eventually disappear. So, in a way, you are showing her that it is not all that important to you to have a consistent sex life. If this sounds unempathic believe me I do know what you are going through...the work, the frustration, the disappointment and responsibility of it all, only to see that she still doesn't "get it." However, she does not sound as stubborn as some of the other spouses I read about here and you were making progress... perhaps now is the time to try again.
I wanted to ad one more thing. The fact that she did come to bed naked does to me at least indicate desire for you. I know when I undress and am naked I AM thinking about having sex with my husband. So Tim that is a positive.
Maybe you could ask her if she gets into it once you get going. Maybe it is just hard for her to feel horny herself. But Nop is right you need to learn how to create intimacy. Maybe this will help A LOT.
But I do positives in your situation that at least she is willing to try.
What would the perfect woman be like in the bedroom in your opinion??
Quote: At 51, intimacy is the real issue. Intimacy is a salve and a balm for wayward hormones and interruptions in physical desire. It is the thing that allows for her not to be horny and still enjoy time spent in sexual encounters with you.
Instead of threatening to walk, try and work with her on a plan to create intimacy.
Whether or not she makes efforts at a level that you approve of, she is still making an effort. That is something that you can work with.
Thanks for the thoughts, NOPkins. I agree with you on one point, intimacy is the real issue. However, from my perspective, it's really getting hard to see much, if any, effort on her part. That, for me, is the real issue. If I could see that she really is making an effort, I would feel differently. But looking back on the past 5 years (at least), it's getting hard not to see who is really making the effort here. It feels more like she's continually stalling for time, hoping that when I do finally give up on the issue, I won't actually give up on the marriage. However, for me, a marriage without intimacy and sex really isn't a marriage at all.
Things we've done in the past year:
1. We've both lost over 30 lbs, and kept it off. I'm still working to lose another 5 or so. There are no medical or health issues here, and we both get told regularly that we look much younger than our years. 2. Switched bedrooms with S19, at her request (privacy issues) and great expense. Purchased a nice bedroom set (first since original). Decorated the bedroom, it is now quite nice.
Here is how all our evenings go:
She picks me up from work, and when we get home, we talk about our respective days (she actually does most of this), and catch up with each other for 10-30 minutes. Also, we talk on the phone at lunchtime nearly every day. While she gets supper ready, I spend some time either on the computer, or working on a hobby (I have 3 now, music, model airplanes, and brewing). Maybe I'll read the paper for a bit. We eat supper, and after the dishes are done, usually around 8:00, we sit down on the couch and watch TV. She sits next to me on the couch, quite often with my arm around her. We didn't used to sit this way... there were a lot of years where she was at the other end of the couch. I insisted on the extra closeness, as I felt that it might help create some togetherness and intimacy. However, all it accomplishes is that she falls asleep. Even if we're watching something she's VERY interested in, she'll fall asleep, usually despite any attempts I might make to keep her awake. During this time, one or another of the kids will often need to be picked up from work, and she always does this, despite my repeated offers to perform this task. S19 does now have his license, but DD21 does not (she will likely get hers within the next month - can you say "insurance cost"?). Anyway, letting one or the other take the car, even in the evening, is not an option - we only have the one car, and W isn't willing to "be without the car", even when we have no plans to go anywhere - "just in case".
So we watch TV (or I watch, and she sleeps) until around 10:30 or so, then we go to bed. Yes, I know we need to get out of this rut. Maybe that's the ONE thing there is left to work on. I'm not even sure any more. At this point, I'm thinking that if I sit in the armchair for a while in the evening, instead of on the couch, this will shake up the status quo enough to move something forward. Perhaps if I'm also reading PM again. I'm just feeling that the way things are, she gets her desires met, but I don't. Damn, I'm sounding like CMar...
Cally, interesting thoughts... I'll have to reflect.
Perfect woman? No such animal. I'm not looking for perfect (God knows I'm not...). What do I want from her? I want us to be able to talk openly about sex, love, dreams, plans. I want her to be able to tell me what turns her on, and to be able to tell HER what turns ME on, and for us both to be interested enough in each other to be receptive. I want to ML with the lights ON, and for us to be able to "play together".
I know, I know... somewhere along the line, there is a connection missing between us, and what's (not) happening in the bedroom is only a manifestation of it. What I'm really concerned about, though, is our apparent lack of ability to FIND any meaningful connection...
My suggestion to get out of the rut...turn the tv off....and talk....play a game you two enjoy (doesn't matter what), put some music on but do something interactive...go for a walk, watch a sunset together...something other than watching tv, or increasing your distance from her.
IMO right now, you're both letting the tv create distance for you in the evenings. Sure, you're sitting physically close to each other...but there's no interaction, no real interest in each other. I'm going to apologize for how this sounds, but it's the only way I can think of to put it...right now...you're just two bodies sitting next to each other, there's no interaction it sounds like. Am I interpereting this correctly?
Something I occasionally do with my H that ends up in some pretty good conversation is to just out of the blue...when things are quiet...ask him to tell me something I don't know about him, something he thinks I'd never guess...or that would surprise me to know about him....then I do the same. Might take a little to get a conversation like that going for the two of you...but I guarantee you there are things each of you doesn't know about the other, things that would surprise you. Even if it's something you did when you were a kid....that you've never told her.
Quote: During this time, one or another of the kids will often need to be picked up from work, and she always does this, despite my repeated offers to perform this task.
How about if you don't "offer," but you just get up and DO it. Say to her as you walk out the door, "you have a little nap, and I'll wake you when I get back." Or GO WITH HER. Do anything to break the pattern. I know it's not this easy when you're dealing with a resistant partner-- believe me, I know.
NOP's point is a good one: this isn't about physical sex per se, it's about connecting, enjoying being together.
GOOD IDEA!! To just get up and do it. That will break the routine for sure! Tell her you feel like going for a ride. She may not want to put this task on you. She also may be one of those women who feel like even though they work outside the home they have to be the typical woman who does everything in the home also. That can make you tired for sure and have no ambition left for anything else.
Because something else caught my eye in your post....that you guys come home from work discuss your dauy and then SHE starts getting dinner ready while you relax. See if you think about it she does work also but has this daily task on her and then has dishes to do to boot. So maybe break this routine also and tell her why don't you take a bath or sit and relax while I get dinner done tonight. Or if you want to be a little more aggresive why don't you tell her to go take a nice soak and get prepared for the awesome orgasm you are going to give her tonight. But maybe the break of her having to cook every night will be a burden off her shoulder.
If talking about your sex life has been something you have never done,it is possible you can accomplish this. Start off small maybe like if you are performing oral sex stop a second and ask her if it feels good. Maybe move around the vagina a little.Experiment,Try using tongue and then fingers. But ask her each new move you make if it feels good. Ask her to tell you if it feels good. Maybe try foreplay until she is squirming and then ask her to tell you she wants you inside her. LOL Sorry if this is blunt. Just know at first when my husband tried this with me I was so shy and it felt a little ackward at first. But now it is something that just comes natural to me. I am very open about sex now. It is great to be vocal and tell him what I want and for him to tell me what he wants.
Quote: She also may be one of those women who feel like even though they work outside the home they have to be the typical woman who does everything in the home also. That can make you tired for sure and have no ambition left for anything else.
She's a SAHM. Sorry, not trying to be difficult...
Ok...then maybe she really does need to get out and take a walk once in awhile with you. I'm not a SAHM but I can imagine that they need a break from their daily routines just as I do, a mom who works away from the home. It's worth a try to break the routine somehow isn't it?
Sometimes when people are in the middle of a rut/routine it's hard to breakout....you've noticed you two are in a rut, so it now falls on your shoulders to break that routine because you recognized it. Sucks I know to feel that you are the only one who is always trying....but the way I see it, it is your responsibility to do something about the routine if you notice it's a problem.
You might just find she welcomes the change too....maybe, just maybe...she doesn't even know she needs the change.
