Quote: At 51, intimacy is the real issue. Intimacy is a salve and a balm for wayward hormones and interruptions in physical desire. It is the thing that allows for her not to be horny and still enjoy time spent in sexual encounters with you.
Instead of threatening to walk, try and work with her on a plan to create intimacy.
Whether or not she makes efforts at a level that you approve of, she is still making an effort. That is something that you can work with.
Thanks for the thoughts, NOPkins. I agree with you on one point, intimacy is the real issue. However, from my perspective, it's really getting hard to see much, if any, effort on her part. That, for me, is the real issue. If I could see that she really is making an effort, I would feel differently. But looking back on the past 5 years (at least), it's getting hard not to see who is really making the effort here. It feels more like she's continually stalling for time, hoping that when I do finally give up on the issue, I won't actually give up on the marriage. However, for me, a marriage without intimacy and sex really isn't a marriage at all.
Things we've done in the past year:
1. We've both lost over 30 lbs, and kept it off. I'm still working to lose another 5 or so. There are no medical or health issues here, and we both get told regularly that we look much younger than our years. 2. Switched bedrooms with S19, at her request (privacy issues) and great expense. Purchased a nice bedroom set (first since original). Decorated the bedroom, it is now quite nice.
Here is how all our evenings go:
She picks me up from work, and when we get home, we talk about our respective days (she actually does most of this), and catch up with each other for 10-30 minutes. Also, we talk on the phone at lunchtime nearly every day. While she gets supper ready, I spend some time either on the computer, or working on a hobby (I have 3 now, music, model airplanes, and brewing). Maybe I'll read the paper for a bit. We eat supper, and after the dishes are done, usually around 8:00, we sit down on the couch and watch TV. She sits next to me on the couch, quite often with my arm around her. We didn't used to sit this way... there were a lot of years where she was at the other end of the couch. I insisted on the extra closeness, as I felt that it might help create some togetherness and intimacy. However, all it accomplishes is that she falls asleep. Even if we're watching something she's VERY interested in, she'll fall asleep, usually despite any attempts I might make to keep her awake. During this time, one or another of the kids will often need to be picked up from work, and she always does this, despite my repeated offers to perform this task. S19 does now have his license, but DD21 does not (she will likely get hers within the next month - can you say "insurance cost"?). Anyway, letting one or the other take the car, even in the evening, is not an option - we only have the one car, and W isn't willing to "be without the car", even when we have no plans to go anywhere - "just in case".
So we watch TV (or I watch, and she sleeps) until around 10:30 or so, then we go to bed. Yes, I know we need to get out of this rut. Maybe that's the ONE thing there is left to work on. I'm not even sure any more. At this point, I'm thinking that if I sit in the armchair for a while in the evening, instead of on the couch, this will shake up the status quo enough to move something forward. Perhaps if I'm also reading PM again. I'm just feeling that the way things are, she gets her desires met, but I don't. Damn, I'm sounding like CMar...
