Long story short: married 26 years at the end of this month, three kids. First two kids required fertility treatments (Clomid) and a great deal of effort to conceive. After #2, sex life went by the wayside for a long time. After about 4 years of this, I made the point that a frequency of once per week was pretty much what I considered a minimum, so we started on a once-per-week schedule. After only a month or two of that, child #3 was the result. Shortly before his birth, I lost my job, and was unemployed for an extended period, and self-employed (and not doing very well) for several years after that. SL pretty much ended at the beginning of that period (1991). Marriage went on autopilot during this period, but about 5 years ago, I decided I couldn't live like that any more, and started taking steps to improve the situation.
So, for the last 5 years, I have been pressing the point, and during that time we have seen 2 counsellors, she has seen a third on her own, she has tried HRT (she's 51 now, and post-menopausal), and we've read numerous books such as SSM and PM. Many of my efforts, and trials and tribulations, can be found on this forum, going back about 2 years (when we read SSM). Every year for the last 5 years, it seems to be the same story. I (once again) let her know how unhappy I am, we work out some kind of plan, we take some action, try some things, work on it for a while, seem to be making progress, then everything once again slides back into the abyss.
Most recent trigger-point: Last week I once again called attention to the fact that our SL was pretty much non-existent, and reminded her again that we need to pay attention to this aspect of our lives. I suggested (pretty much in desperation) that perhaps we should try scheduling 2 nights per week for LM. She didn't really respond one way or another at the time (she was driving me to work, and it's a short trip - there wasn't much time for conversation). A week went by, during which time I was waiting for her to let me know in some fashion that she either agreed or disagreed, and after waiting that long, I finally brought it up again one evening, and we discussed it. She agreed to give it a try. She was basically waiting for ME to take some action, but after everything we've been through, I said "Why is it always up to me?" I said I wanted HER to take some action that would show me some commitment on her part. After a further week of her trying to decide what nights would be best, we finally agreed to try a loose schedule that would include Sunday night, and one of Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
So last night we ML, and here's how it went. First, the only indication I had that this was the night was that she spent a fairly long time in the washroom before bedtime, and took a bath, although I wasn't really sure she had done so. When I came to bed, she was naked, which was my tip-off. So I locked the door, and turned out the light, and we proceeded. It certainly wasn't the hottest session we ever had, but she did get excited enough to lubricate (no AstroGlide needed), which is significant since she has often had a problem with dryness. However, once I entered her, she just seemed to want it over with. Afterwards, I asked her if there had been any pain, and she said "No, I just can't seem to get into it." Boom. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
We talked about it for another 10 minutes or so, during which time she once again went over "what she's dealing with", in terms of being tired all the time, all the stuff with the kids that she handles (the kids are now 21, 19 and 13, the oldest 2 are in university), etc. etc. Given our history, and especially the last 5 years, I had to say that this just sounds to me like more of the same ol' same ol'. Each year it's something else, but each year the end result is the same. At this point, I'm thinking I pretty much have to conclude that perhaps this is all there is, and this is as good as it gets. I have been VERY patient, and willing to work with her to resolve whatever issues stand in the way of a satisfying SL, but it's really starting to seem like she will only make an effort when I press the point, and then only enough effort to make me think we're finally making progress, and if I get busy with other things, she'll just let it slide and hope I'll leave her alone. Last night, her bottom line was that she thinks she needs either some sex therapy or some medication, but she's unwilling to try medication, and I personally don't trust sex therapy to do any good. She said "I just don't know what to do."
I think this evening I will basically lay it on the line, that I'm going to make a decision this year whether to continue this marriage or not. The way things look right now, I wouldn't bet on us having a 27th anniversary. Also, I'll no longer be willing to try to maintain the status quo by things like allowing her to fall asleep beside me in front of the TV each night, and I don't even feel like kissing her goodbye in the morning or goodnight at bedtime. I feel like creating some distance and shaking up her routine. Yes, I feel angry and taken advantage of. So that's where I'm at right now...
