I am getting out of my emotional roller coaster ride for now. I am getting a dizzy from all the ups and downs...I agree it is difficult to stop loving someone when you have been involved with them for umpteen years (H and I together 18 years...), but I really need to stop loving this person because he really is not worth it. Told H that until he fully commits then we will see. No point of me assuming that all is hanky-dory when it is not.
I don't want to be confused with my feelings anymore. I am gonna try to live my life for me!
I could tell he was feeling very comfortable and he started making moves and I knew what they meant he wanted to ML. Can you believe that - Hellkat you know what I am talking about I am sure. Anyhow one thing lead to another and we did
DK I know way too well what you mean girl! lol! I would love to tell you not to give in at those moments, but I know how hard that is because for the longest I gave in to the point where it turned into a twice a week thing. And I cant really say that I 'regret' sleeping w/H in the beginning of our separation, but after a while it got hard to separate my emotions from just sex. I tried, I told myself that's what I was doing and then it became more and more about emotions and that was hard as it made things that much harder. But again, it was something that I had to go thru in order to know. But the humorous part is regardless of how much H say he loves OW and she is his life and blah blah blah. I guarentee you I the next time I saw him if I said let's hit it he'd be all over it. who knows maybe after some time once OW has gotten all nice and comfy w/H, I'll give her a taste of her own medicine, hee-hee. But that's just the hellkat in me.
H afterwards said why did you pressure me about her 2 weeks ago things may have been very different right now if you hadn't
when they say things like this, does it ever make you want to just go 'gee - you'd be amazed at the things your H's affair will make you do." They know why the BS do what we do - I think they just like to hear that we still care, that they still matter and that we still get jealous. It's a major ego boost - yet a pitiful excuse.
2 weeks ago my husband wanted us to be back together then 2 days later he decides he is staying with OW and now he is playing both again. I know I have let him but 12 years of loving someone and you cant just hate them it takes awhile to get them out of your system and he is nowhere near out of mine yet......
Your right, you cant just hate them, you cant just fall out of love and I do belive a person should travel every ave. possible to try and make their M work before you can even think of letting go. And DK I gotta tell you, reading your posts, I feel as if I'm reading my own. Like you it was a while before I figured out they were having an A for an entire year before I found out, and for the last year I went every route possible, whether it was right or wrong it didnt matter. There were times when I had no pride and took what I could get and times when I refused to stand for anything less then I deserved. But it was something I HAD to do before I could even conceive the idea of letting go. I had to go thru it to get thru it, I think we all do.
But no matter what DK, know your worth and dont settle for anything less. You are the better person and dont forget that!
Thanks Hellkat I feel you really do understand what I am saying. I am sure you sit there going "Oh no I know where this is heading" but like you say we need to travel the path to get to the end. They play with your head like nobody else. I am not ringing him but he rings me, every day and often 3-4 times a day for nothing, trivial BS is all it is. Today he has rung 3 times and called me "dear" the 1st two times and the last time said "O.K dear, I will see you in the morning" and then gone "Oh [censored] did I say dear" and I said yes but you did the last 2 times as well, don't worry some habits die hard. He just laughed and said I must be feeling comfortable if I am calling you that again. I didn't answer anything just said I would see him in the morning. He is dropping in to my work as he is going out with my boss. Yes I work for a mutual friend. LOL. He is taking our S away this weekend and wants me to go shopping with him Thursday night as he is hopeless and it will cost him a fortune if I don't anyway I said does it matter what time and he said he didn't know as he wasn't sure if he would have to see OW. I kept calm and just said O.K. well lets make it straight after work and then we are both free and I can make whatever plans I want. He then says if he does have to see her he can get away again by 9 and I said what does that matter and he said he thought we could catch up after that. I said I think I will have made other plans by then. He reckons that she doesn't want to see him all that much at the moment as she still doesn't trust him after his and my liason the other week.(Ha SHE DOESN'T TRUST HIM)lol. Mind you he still feels he has to answer to her so as long as he is still jumping when she says jump there will be no us. I can tell he is unsure of himself but I must protect myself until he is sure. I know all this so why when I get the opportunity to ML with him I do it. My next Mini-goal I guess is to refuse when it's on offer next time just to see if I can be that strong. It will also play with his mind a bit. I do truly believe that he needs to get her out of his system and until that happens (if ever) we will never be able to make anything work. I tell you it is so frustrating. Hellkat how long have you and your H been apart now??? I have read your sitch and I forget if it was mentioned, quicker to ask you than to go searching. H said I can use his car while he is gone and said he would have to make sure he told OW and I said why and he said as if she sees you driving it she will wonder why.(WHO TF CARES WHAT SHE THINKS) but they do. Could I leave a pair of lacey nickers in the glovebox Mmmmmm LOL That would make her wonder but H would know I was stirring things up so I can't but it was a nice thought while it lasted. I could always leave a hair scrunchie on the gearstick or a lipstick on the floor though. Bit of a spray of perfume on the seat. Hehehe. Oh well I have to amuse myself somehow Anyway gotta go look at houses another joy H has left me with finding somewhere for me and the kids as our lease is up, timing is perfect. No we don't own our home O.K catch you all later.....Kim
DK - H moved out last september '04, came back and left again I'd say a good 1/2 dozen times since then. We were together for 20yrs and married 15yrs. Seeing as I'm only 36 (feeling and looking 26 ) that was almost 1/2 my life! lol!
DK and hellkat I have been reading your posts and feel i am in the same spot as you in many ways. My husband left us d7 s5 d3 after almost 10 years in marriage. He says ow makes him feel good about himself, i never did, its easy with her, they just click, he's spent lots of time with her and now has feelings for her and i have been letting all of this go on for 8.5 months now cuz he says i am cold hearted, uncaring, lots of things all the others are saying about their spouses. Everytime i try and its very hard for me, to start down a new path he's able to suck me right back in and gets me where he wants me. Yesterday was my bday, he texts me to say happy bday have a great day and then last night tells me he is is going out with OW. Once again i was crying. What is going dark and how do i do it. Ive read DR a few times done the 3 counselling sessions but he knows that he has me hook line and sinker and i don't know how to make it all stop. I just keep going back to i love him and want this to work. I also feel that because of all the things he has said about me that i feel i have to let him do this to show i do care and love him. Hes turned all this into my fault and even though i know in my mind its not true my heart tells me let him to show that you do care. Do i sound confused?!?! You sound like you can at least get started down a path and see some results i only seem to be able to see the path and then he suckers me right back in. HELP ME with some advice please.
He says ow makes him feel good about himself, i never did, its easy with her, they just click
This was the hardest part for me - I knew the 'newness' of the entire thing was something that had me at a great disadvantage. It absolutly over-rode everything. But we hang in there and hang on, and if it meant stepping aside and in some cases getting stepped on, and the whole time all you want to do is at least feel 'accepted' by your own spouse.
What is going dark and how do i do it.
Going dark is basically about giving yourself the time and space YOU need to get your self together - mentally, physically and emotionally, without any influence from your H. And I personally thing there are different levels to going dark.
At first it was about no being so forth-coming with H, I left some mystery as to MY life. If he asked where I was, I say 'just out and about' if he asked who with 'just some friends' nothing specific but nothing detailed. But it does get their curiosity going (and we all know curiosity kills the cat). I never asked about him, didnt pretend to be interested. But I was always pleasant and positive.
Then I tried to not be so available and not have as much contact with H, as in not answer his calls right away or wait a day to call back. Turn down an offer to 'come in and have a seat' when dropping S off. And I was doing more GAL and felt better. I was working on me - detatching a bit from H, it was a break for me, yet still enough contact w/H to keep DRing.
Then there's dark - it means having no contact unless it's absolutly necessary, I dont call you - you dont call me, unless....we keep it short and civil and that's it, I call it the 'sticking to the basics'. I still try to remain civil when we do talk or see each other because we do have a child together. And I didnt want to have to go to this level of dark, but for right now I need to.
I just keep going back to i love him and want this to work. I also feel that because of all the things he has said about me that i feel i have to let him do this to show i do care and love him. Hes turned all this into my fault and even though i know in my mind its not true my heart tells me let him to show that you do care. Do i sound confused?!?!
It is confusing, your brain is telling you one thing and your heart is crying out another, and it's an inner struggle because you do love him and you do care......he knows this, trust me. The blame game is the worst - it's nothing but excuses on both sides, all it does is knock the other person down while building the other up.
I dont know what your entire sitch is so which level of dark you choose depends on alot. Do you have a thread?
Hey Strongbutsofty - Hang in there as you can tell from our sitch it is not easy. Try not to be soft when he is around act "as if" that is as if you have a life without him. I will have to see if you have any posts on your sitch to better tell you what I think. Hellkat has done a good job of telling it like it is. This is the hardest thing to go through I know but you take baby steps and you do backslide and go against all the DB rules but you just start again and this forum allows people to give you that support and advice. This is one place that everyone knows how it feels and knows exactly what you are going through. Nobody judges here. You can have good friends but they thing you are stupid for looking as though you are letting H walk all over you and to them you look like you are just accepting it. Over here we all know that is not the way it is. That is why this forum is sooooo good. NOW AN UPDATE. On Tuesday night (today is Friday) H rang and said he wanted to meet for a drink It was 9.45pm. I said why and he said he and OW had decided to just be friends and that it was mutual. This peeked my curiosity so of course I said I would meet him at the pub in half an hour. 2 mins later my mobile goes and it is a text from OW. Saying they have decided to go their seperate ways and could I find it in my heart to forgive him as he knows he has hurt me blah blah she wants to be friends with him (haha over my dead body) but knows he belongs with me and the kids, that she is 51 and cannot live with the guilt of what they have done and the fact that he cheats on her with me (WTF) I couldn't believe she sent those few messages, what does she think, that she is a hero for giving up my H, I now have her permission to see him like get a life love. Anyhow I went to the pub and saw H and we chatted but everytime he went to go down the path of I know I have hurt you I changed the subject. I kept saying to him you must be upset that she doesnt want you anymore when it was her you chose to be with, I know how much it hurts when you want someone and can't have them. He would say no it's not going to work with her and I and then on the other hand he would say something that didn't sound like he had a whole lot of choice in the matter. So I said to him if it's her you really want then you will have to try and win her back (Can you believe I said that) He said he had a lot of thinking to do and I said I think you do too but I think you need to be without anyone for awhile and get your head straight for your own benefit. We had a good night although as you can imagine I was biting my tongue the whole time. When he dropped me home he lent over to give me a kiss and I turned my cheek for him to kiss my cheek and he said "What is that all I get" (WTF) I said well what do you expect me to do you only split up tonight and we are just friends. He said I know but can't I still kiss you especially after last Friday (when we ML) anyhow there was a bit more talking and I did end up having a good pash with him but then I stopped it and achieved my Mini-goal and said I was going inside and said goodbye. He seemed disappointed but I was pleased as it was so hard to do as I know what would have happened if I stayed any longer. So Mini goal achieved! Whoo Whoo! He rang Wednesday and Thursday to say hi and then last night we went to get some shopping for his trip away this weekend with our S. We had said we might go for a drink after and we did but I saw him watching his clock so I knew he was thinking about going and seeing her. So I said lets go you obviously have somewhere else you want to be and he said he thought he would see her for awhile before going to his van. I said no worries do what you have to do. (mind you I was bleeding about it) but I have to remember I told him to persue her if that's what he wants and I need him to get her out of his system completely. This is so hard though especially when I know she doesn't want him (at the moment). I am not going to do anything though as this has to be his decision and I will not be second choice. So if they don't get back together he will have to be on his own for awhile and I feel he has to come to me and convince me that he made a mistake and it wont happen again. Whether that can be achieved remains to be seen. So that's my latest very weird and I am all over the place in my head, I just hope I am doing the right thing. Any advice would be good especially you Hellkat as I am sure you have probably had a similair experience. Tell me how to play this if I am doing it wrong please......Kim
Kim - My two cents worth...Tread carefully!! They are so unpredictable, you shouldn't let your guard so soon. As an example of my sitch, my H also said SORRYs, he knows his mistakes blah blah blah, but still kept running back. I can't remember who but under "Piecing" ...one minute the H was acting lovey-dovey and the next, he wasn't sure and wanting the OW again...So, advice is Tread Slowly and Carefully...You are walking on a few stone over the quicksand....if you are not careful, you are gonna be swallowed up...
Yea I know Yoyo. I am treading carefully I am not encouraging anything more than talking I am avoiding it. That's why I went inside after kissing him as if I had stayed he would have wanted to ML and as I know I am weak where he is concerned in that department I made sure I removed the temptation by removing myself. So just know I am moving slow. I have no expectations as I know she is not out of his system and until that happens if ever I must remain strong in resisting him as it would be just a use on his behalf. I am trying to GAL and act "as if" still. At least I have achieved my Mini goal of not ML with him now I have to try and continue it for my own sake...Kim
Hey there Stongbutsofty - I have been trying to see where you have posted about your sitch but cannot find anything. Did you just register to reply, think about starting your own. Just think of a subject title and off you go. We would all visit you if you started your own so don't be scared. Think of the great advice you could get, or even just people to hear you out. Go on start your own subject, I dare you, do something out of your comfort zone....DK
who knows maybe after some time once OW has gotten all nice and comfy w/H, I'll give her a taste of her own medicine, hee-hee. But that's just the hellkat in me.
LOL 
Anyway gotta go look at houses another joy H has left me with finding somewhere for me and the kids as our lease is up, timing is perfect. No we don't own our home 
O.K catch you all later.....Kim 
now I have to try and continue it for my own sake...Kim 