Kim - I know the devastation of realising that the A has been going on for the last 3 years. All the deceit and lies ...I could go on. But don't feed your hurt. You will feel terrible. Put a big red STOP sign and look forward. For now, go dark with H. And at the same time, GAL and PMA for yourself, not for H. If H doesn't see the light, it's his loss. If he does..then it's a bonus. Don't go sit by the corner and be miserable...go right out there and have a party!!!
And REMEMBER...do not communicate with the OW. Even if you see her on the roadside, do not acknowledge that you know her. If H brings her up, you need to say something to stop him mentioning the OW to you. OW is his problem, not yours. And you certainly cannot be the "buddy" that helps him to sort out his problem with the OW. My H says that I am his friend and he wants to tell me about his hurt of losing OW. I told him that I could be his friend in other aspects, but I am sorry, I cannot help him in this aspect as I could only think as a wife. So I suggested that any problems relating to the OW, he should go talk to a real friend who could be impartial. From then-on, I have not heard any mention about the OW....unless of some sacarstic remark from moi. (oops...did I say moi?? Must be Anna123's influence!!)
Sorry if the post came across as harsh. I felt it was stern.
To just speak when I am spoken to and leave it at that. I think for a week or so he needs to know I am very disappointed and upset by doing that
That's giving the 'cold shoulder'. That doesn't resolve problems, it just creates an icy tension. It's much better to discuss what you're feeling.
You see I found out they have been at it for 3 years last night.
Oh. That whole revelation sucks, I know. It makes you feel as if everything you thought was real was but an illusion. It makes you feel your whole world is pulled out from under you.
It's really part of the same bomb that was dropped before, though you're finding out about it now. Handle it the same way: don't dwell on it, deal with the here and now, keep your focus on you and moving forward. Tell yourself it's OK for you to be shocked and dismayed and to feel terribly about this because it is a terrible thing, and that you're not going to keep on feeling terrible because that was then, it's not your fault, that it's all H's doing, and what you have is again, the here and now, and you have the opportunity to create a better life for yourself.
If H brings her up, you need to say something to stop him mentioning the OW to you.
Nonchalantly change the topic rather than show an allergic reaction to the mention of the OW.
My H says that I am his friend and he wants to tell me about his hurt of losing OW.
It may be difficult, but if he wants to discuss something that is hurting him, as in the case of losing the OW, then if you can be there for him to listen and validate, you may strengthen his emotional bond with you.
Hey Guys, Thanks Yoyo for your encouragement and also to you to NYS. Now NYS Harsh, Stern they are just words mate, I wasn't offended I really think it was what I needed to hear so don't concern yourself with that. Well Friday my H rang me at work trying to apologise but said nothing that made any great difference and kept going on about how much his balls have been busted this week. I said to him well if they have been busted it has been by her not by me and you are the one that created this situation. All I am interested in is making sure that our S doesn't suffer because if you and I don't get along in front of him it will make things awful for him and I don't want that. I said for tonight maybe it would be better for him not to have S as we would probably end up arguing and that was not going to do anyone any good. I said if he would like to try and have a civilised discussion re: Son then we could do this b4 he picked him up. He replied I can't I have to go out for awhile tonight (as OW's best friend was leaving work) I could come over after that and I said don't bother, if that is more important then do that. Anyway I ended conversation as I said we are not getting anywhere I will speak to you when you have something worth hearing. He rang again that night telling me I was putting our S in the middle and using him as blackmail bait. I said if you think that you are entitled to your opinion but if you knew me well enough you would know I would never intenionally do that, my only concern is our S not growing up with parents that cannot be in the same room which in turn makes his life difficult. I know as I live it every day with my parents. I do not want to discuss our R or our M I just want to make our S life easier, speak to me when you want the same. We had an accountants appointment for Sat morn and I went to this and he was waiting out the front. We had a brief conversation, went in to our appointment and then had a proper conversation afterwards. He had calmed down enough to apologise for his actions of the last few days and said he understood what I was meaning in relation to our S. This having been done it looks like things will be a bit calmer for awhile....maybe...Anyhow one of the things which is weird is he asked me why I pushed him and Pressured him over OW when he had asked me not to. I said because if I was to put our R first and give it a proper go again like you said I would have to have no doubts about OW and if you could handle the pressure and end things with her to me it would have shown she was out of your system but when I pressured you you chose her which shows you would have done the same if we had tried to make things work. I wanted to be able to put it to rest and trust you again but you showed that your not over her which I needed to know b4 investing time and energy into something that was only going to cause me pain. He said he understood but was disappointed as he really thought things would have turned out differently. I said oh well you have made your choice now and he said yeah I suppose. He really didn't sound very happy but that is his problem. They amaze me how they play one against the other I don't truly think he knows what he wants at all and until he does I guess he is stuck with her. I am just going to speak to him when he contacts me or when he picks up S other than that forget it....... Let's see how I feel in another couple of days....He rang me Sunday just to discuss football so go figure what he is doing. It was a weak excuse just to speak with me.....maybe that shows some interest but I will take it that he still has no idea what he is doing or what he wants......They are soooooo confusing.
Hey...think you should not really speak to him about anything other than with regards to your son. He needs some time to reflect what he has done, and I think the more you talk about it, the worse the sitch will become. Just leave it for now. Focus on yourself..go on a holiday...whatever, just go away for awhile that H cannot contact you. He really needs the time to dwell on what he has done, and whether he can live with his decision. He needs to "unconfuse" himself..The best way to go DARK is to have a trip away. When you come back, don't tell him that you are back.
gosh DK - your situation seems to sound so much like what I went thru with my H at the begining. If you can find some of my old threads you would see what I mean. I think your alot smarter then I was in that I stayed in denial alot - I knew but didnt want to accept and H played alot of games knowing that.
I think it's wise for you to let him contact you for a while and to remain civil. Your S does not need to see or feel the tension that's there, he will thrive so much better for it. But it's alot easier said then done, I know. Trust me I know it sounds strange, but the less you have to do with them the more they try to keep you in their lives.
My best advice......belive nothing you hear, 1/2 of what you see, their actions say much more then their words ever will. Look for consistantcy in his changes, and be careful of the ones that only last as long as the moment. And dont settle for anything less the you deserve.
Hello DesperateKim, I haven't posted to you before, but your thread caught my attention.
I'm over at the Midlife Crisis forum. Could it be that your H is going through MLC? He does have the childhood trauma that he maybe is dealing with right now. Midlifers truly cannot take ANY pressure, they run as fast as they can.
You must be devastated learning that your H has decieved you for 3 years. But on the positive side, they say MLC lasts 2-5 years (maybe longer), and if your H has already been "in the tunnel" for years, so maybe he'll be moving out of it some day.
There were so many positive things happening with you and your H. I think it's only a matter of time they start happening again. Next time you'll have to be more patient, and remember, no expectations! He has to be the one making his decisions, not you.
I'm also new at this, so I'm only learning myself. But there are some awesome, wise people on the forum who have been there a lot longer. I'm sure they could give you some great advice!
DesperateKim, I want to clarify what I said about his childhood trauma.
You wrote:
"I thought it was to do with revelations about his dad interferring with his sisters that did his head in as that was 2 years ago but this is 3 YEARS. No excuses now,"
That he learned only 2 years ago about what his dad did doesn't change the fact that there was this terrible secret when he was a child, even if he didn't know about it. What his dad did affected them all. His family was not "normal".
Hi guys, I did reply to you all but for some reason it didn't work so here I go again. Thanks YOYO and HELLKAT. YOYO I would go away if I could but can't take time off work and am looking for another house so don't have the time unfortunately. Yes HELLKAT I agree we mirror image each other in alot of ways. Hey DAUPHNE I agree my H could definately be going through MLC as I said when I did the calculations it is about 3 years since the bomb about his dad time flies I actually thought it was 2 years but someone pointed out I was wrong. I will pop over to your forum in the next few days and check it out as it could well be suited to my sitch........ Well H has rung me with feeble excuses nearly every day and I just answer him and finish the conversation. Like today he rang me at work just to see if Saturday night he was still right to take our S, which I had organised with him on phone last night when he rang. I said yes and he said he will ring me tonight. I said there really is no need nothing will change and he insisted that he would check in tonight, I again said there is no need and I may not be home to which he replied, I will ring tomorrow if I don't get you tonight and I said if you must but nothing will change. Can you figure them out I can't why ring for no reason??????Anyway not much further developments than the phone calls so I will continue to be distant and aloof while I figure myself out......No YOYO I haven't gone that dark but I am very confused at the moment and am feeling a bit like a few others is it worth all this??? that is what I have to work out now for myself. Will keep you updated. It is now the weekend here downunder so i wish you all a great weekend and will catch up again on Monday. Chow for now....Kim
Hi Guys, Well it is now Monday. On Friday night H rang me to say he wanted to drop in after work (he finished at 10pm) to pick up some paper for S birthday presents. I said O.K. but I may have visitors. He came over and as he knew the visitor's decided to have a chat and hang round. The visitor's left about 11.30 and H stayed and chatted until 1.30am. We were chatting about everything and it was the 1st proper chat in a few weeks. I could tell he was feeling very comfortable and he started making moves and I knew what they meant he wanted to ML. Can you believe that - Hellkat you know what I am talking about I am sure. Anyhow one thing lead to another and we did H afterwards said why did you pressure me about her 2 weeks ago things may have been very different right now if you hadn't. I told him it was something I had to do as in order to fully trust him over all this and to start fresh I needed to know he had got rid of her and for good. I then said when you couldn't handle the pressure and chose her it proved you weren't over her and you probably would have kept us both going. He said he understood but that he was more confused than ever now as he said he can't handle not being involved with me and often wonders if we can sort things out. HERE WE GO AGAIN.... Anyway I said to him "Look I think you need to sort yourself out and your feelings before you can honestly work out which relationship you want. Things have changed with us, I know about her and although I don't think it's great, I accept it but I am not going to take us seriously until he has worked out who he wants to be with. He said that was very fair and he appreciated it. I then said don't get any illusions though if things change for me and I meet someone I will finish our liason's. He said he owed her a bit as she had been very supportive and helped him with money too (never could handle money) I said I don't need to know details, just do what feels right for you and in your own time, if later you feel you want something more with us, see me then as I don't know how I will feel when and if that happens. He rang me 3 times yesterday for crappy reasons and has already rung me at work today. He is taking S away this weekend from Friday morning until Monday night. He is giving me his car for the weekend and wants me to go shopping with him Thursday night to help him choose the food, he is then staying for tea, so OW I am sure won't be impressed especially when she can't see him on Thursday night before he goes. Well that is my latest sitch will keep you updated but guys you are so hard to work out. 2 weeks ago my husband wanted us to be back together then 2 days later he decides he is staying with OW and now he is playing both again. I know I have let him but 12 years of loving someone and you cant just hate them it takes awhile to get them out of your system and he is nowhere near out of mine yet...... Speak soon.....Kimxxx
What's the update?
Can you believe that - Hellkat you know what I am talking about I am sure. Anyhow one thing lead to another and we did 