Yoyo thanks for your concern I am here but it has been a real bummer week up and down like on that RollerCoaster. I will update you all very soon but make a coffee it will take awhile. I bet half of you could guess what I am going to write. Hey Jules good questions and i dont know why I want him back with all the hurt he has caused??? Is it that we don't want to be on our own? Is it that they become a bad habit like smokes? Is it we can't face rejection the list goes on there is a million reason's we can all give don't know if they are right maybe it varies day to day. Just know I feel like an animal in a zoo waiting for the next crumb or morsel of food to be thrown my way so I can grab it and run with it. That's why this site is good....Anyway better start on my long winded update for everyone, make a cuppa you will need it. Kim
O.K lets see from the start.... Friday night he picked me up and we went down the pub for a drink. We started by playing pool and then started talking. He told me that he really enjoyed being with me and felt we could work things out. I asked what he was going to do about OW and he said "look let's see how we go and I will do things my way with her" I said like what. He said I will make her ask me what is going on so I have an opening and then I will tell her. I said O.K. but how long and he said no more than a month. (A month get stu@@ed) Anyway played it cool and said I don't like the idea of being the OW myself and a month is a long time. He said you could never be the OW as you are my wife. I said still it's alot your asking. He said I know but it's our future. So I agreed. He stayed the night and then the next day we went to the Shopping Centre together and he was holding my hand all through our shopping. He took S9 home with him that night to stay and he knew I was going out. The next morning was the Father & Son Footy match so I met them there. We all then went home to have Bacon & Eggs for brunch and after him and I layed on the bed watching T.V just gently rubbing, tickling each other. It was nice....Anyway midway through the afternoon he said he better go as he had to get ready for the week ahead with work, so he said he would ring me tomorrow. I had also had a talk with him saying that I couldn't wait a month if he meant it he would do it within the next week or it meant he wasn't serious about us. I said do what you have to but I wont wait longer than that. He said he understood. I spoke to him Monday and asked if he had spoken to her or if he had spoken to her at all over the weekend and he said I told you I would do it my way but no I haven't spoken to her on the weekend and I think she now knows something is wrong. I said why and he said because I rang her before to see if I could see her afterwork to talk and she said she was too busy to talk to me, so I think she knows as she is not a stupid person. Anyway I spoke to him that night and yes I rang him and said just wanted to see how you were feeling and whether you ended up speaking to her. He was rather shitty and said NO she wont speak to me and he said she dropped something off at his van, knocked and walked away. He yelled out to her and asked if they could talk and she said No she had nothing to say. She was doing great DBing and I was being a fool. Anyway I spoke to him Tuesday and yes dumb me rang him but I think I was pushing him for a reason as I know its the wrong thing to do but was testing him and sure enough it was working as he was getting really pi$$ed of with me. Later that day or early evening I get a phone call from OW saying that she was sick of his lies, I could have him back and I said I knew that a week ago, which shocked her. She then said Look obviously alot more has been going on than I realised but he is begging me to give him another chance she said she now knew why. She said she wanted me to go to his place so he would have to say the truth in front of both of us. Dumbly I went. She asked heaps of questions and he wasn't very forthcoming with the answers and he was looking at me as if to say dont say the truth. I then said well who do you want? He said her and I said well I am not going to stop you but I am not going to protect you either. So I answered everything told her the lot and then left. She has been messaging my phone and ringing constantly telling me he is going to pay for what he has done to both of us and that she will string him along and then do him over. I said do what you think I am not interested in him or what happens. She is playing one hell of a game though. I think what she is doing is trying to make sure I stay not wanting him as I am her biggest threat but also so she can string him along and make him suffer and then give in to him when she is ready but that way she makes sure I am out of the picture and that he wants her more. Well he came and saw me at work today and said he wants to have a chat tonight so he can pick up S9 on Friday. I said is it worth us having a chat you have done nothing but lie to me and he said yes he thought so as he wanted to say things and after 12 years surely we could still speak. So I am seeing him tonight. I am so hurt by him and I know I can still get him back if I really want to but can I trust him, I don't know and why is it when he hurts me so bad I can only think about getting him to come back. This is so weird I should just want him out of my life but I still love him - stupid I know....Why are we such glutens for punishment???? Now I have to assess whether to just set him free and make myself never want him or whether to start all over again. I bet some of you could have guessed I would stuff this up. I should have just gone dark after Friday and waited to see. I probably could have had him if I had but then he may have just played us both I don't know. Guess I have some soul searching to do. I will wait and see what he says tonight I guess. So there you have it. If any of you can see something from all this that I can't go ahead and tell me....
Kim I am so sorry, You do deserve better. You should go dark now, what is done is done and the only thing you can do is with the future, Past is the past, move on.
So are you saying I should go dark forever get over him it's never gonna work or just go dark for now and see??? I am meant to be talking to him tonight??? God what to do which way to turn it can be difficult.....
Hey Kim! I guessed what is done is done. What I think you should do now is go dark for now. Avoid his phone calls for now. Do your own stuff....and wait for him to be the desperate one to be in touch with you. And NEVER NEVER communicate with the OW again, no matter what happens. You don't want her to be your nemesis or friend. Like in DR, you must IGNORE her existence. Although you H is not living at home, you need to get on with you life as-if everything is hanky-dory. Patience is the key now....
Kim, what I observe from your sitch is that you really put pressure on your H. You pursue too much, I think. Asking him to define how he planned on breaking it off with the OW, repeating that a month is too long a time, not being satisfied by his answers so pushing for more, checking with him to see if he's yet spoken to the OW about ending the A, finally giving the ultimatum "who do you want?"... you knew they weren't the smartest things to do, yet you justified your reasons and progressively you saw your H go from feeling you two could work it out to getting angry with you to choosing the OW when handed your ultimatum. She even saw it coming from what she got out of her phone call with you.
Then there's the constant focus on the OW and analyzing what she's thinking and doing.
I agree with the others, you have to go dark - for your own sake. You need that to serve up some time and space to H, but more so, you need that to carve out some time to work on your ability to DB effectively if you're serious about changing these circumstances.
The key is to focus on your relationship with H, not on the OW. Think of him as a street cat that you're trying to get to eat out of your hand. You can't make threatening motions, you can't call out, you can't approach the cat. Instead, you have to sit still with food in your hand and make gentle cooing noises and let the cat come up to you. The cat comes up timidly to check it out, and any aggressive moves on your part will still scare it away. Even when the cat starts to eat out of your hand you have to move slowly and gently.
In other words, you have to push the positive buttons; you've been pushing the negative ones. Free your mind of trying to analyze the OW and H and keep those thoughts far away for they sabotage your actions and give you grief. That would be a good 180 all around, huh?
What could happen if you backed off like that and no longer pressed on H? H's likely to go along the path of least resistance. He's going to probably go to the person who hassles him less. That's why I guess he chose the OW for now. Use the contacts you have with him when he comes over for S9 to show him a happy benevolent you. Become the lesser hassle.
Think in terms of what words/actions on your part bring people together, and think this before you react to him. For example, he asked to chat with you. That's a yes or no question. Your answer, however, was in the form of an accusation/grudge ("is it worth us having a chat you have done nothing but lie to me"). That kind of answer doesn't bring people together, instead, it serves to create sides and defenses.
This is not a game. This is serious real life. If you want to attract H back, you have to get real serious about doing this.
Quote: Think of him as a street cat that you're trying to get to eat out of your hand. You can't make threatening motions, you can't call out, you can't approach the cat. Instead, you have to sit still with food in your hand and make gentle cooing noises and let the cat come up to you. The cat comes up timidly to check it out, and any aggressive moves on your part will still scare it away. Even when the cat starts to eat out of your hand you have to move slowly and gently.
LOVE that analogy!!! Kim, just stopped in to say hi and thanks for your post. Hang in there sister. It sucks but it will get better one way or another. I know how hard it is. You said I sounded strong. I'll tell you my secret-I'm trying to convince myself of that. My friend Lisa says "Fake it til you feel it". That's all I'm doing. Show H your happy strong face, even if it's an act right now. You can cry, scream, kick the couch, break a plate when he's not around. The other thing that helps is to remember that OW is not a real relationship. They're "in love". Wait until they spend some time together and start to see each other in reality, warts and all. As bad as I don't want H to move I know that the fastest way for him to get over this infatuation and come to his senses is to be with her in real time, screaming kids, bills to pay, pain in the butt ex-husband, being isolated from all things familiar and comfortable. I'm reading "Mama Gena's Marriage Manual". It's supposed to be funny and empowering. I'll let ya know. (((((Kim)))))
Hey Guys, I have been such a fool and probably deserved everything I got. I thought I was doing great DBing and then I got too much at once I knew pushing him would push him away but I did it anyway - why I don't know maybe to test him and see if he cracked it like usual or maybe as I knew there was more to come. Thanks for all your comments and feedback. As for you NYSURVIVOR (((((thanks))))) you were harsh and straight to the point and I bawled all the way through your post. The truth hurts but I know I needed to hear it. I have done everything for my H always looked after him and he has never had to pay a bill nothing and I guess I still expect to control everything. No matter what my H has done I always forgive him that's something he said How can you possibly love me still when all I do is hurt you over and over again. Maybe a fresh start with DBing and my 1st 180 would be to not help him to not make this so easy. To just speak when I am spoken to and leave it at that. I think for a week or so he needs to know I am very disappointed and upset by doing that and if he says anything saying I know you have your problems but I have mine too and that is I have to get used to the fact that I never really knew you. You see I found out they have been at it for 3 years last night. 3 YEARS 3 YEARS I can't believe I didn't see that, I can't believe my H was deceptive for that long, how did he continue to look me and our son in the face, how did he ML to me constantly till he left and after, why didn't the ML drop off. Where were the signs why didn't I see them, how could I have married this person when he was completely different to what I thought. He has always been so Innocent, Honest Caring not this person, everyone all our friends my family his family cannot believe this of him, nobody knew him. I thought it was MLC he turned 40 last year, I thought it was to do with revelations about his dad interferring with his sisters that did his head in as that was 2 years ago but this is 3 YEARS. No excuses now, I am devastated at him and at myself. I feel so empty, dirty, worthless.....I think this has affected me so much more this time as I have been living in a dream world for 3 years that is such a long time. I do need to go dark as I can't even stand him at the moment, it will be all I can do in letting him have our S as I don't want him near me. I am soooo hurt and devastated. I took our marriage so seriously, you see my parents seperated when I was 15 and I never wanted my kids to live through that and now they will. S9 is my H and my child and S16 and D15 are mine from b4. H has been in their lives since they were 4 & 5. I didn't want them to lose another dad so my god I made sure they weren't around him too much at the beginning, i made sure of him b4 I let the kids in on the relationship and now look i f&&cked it all up. Sorry guys but I am so low at the moment, I cannot believe it. I will go dark that is fine but I don't even know if I want to come back into the light, I will have to work that one out. Sorry I am such a bummer at the moment and NY maybe you will have to hang around to give me my foot up the bum when I need it...
(((((thanks))))) you were harsh and straight to the point and I bawled all the way through your post. The truth hurts but I know I needed to hear it. I have done everything for my H always looked after him and he has never had to pay a bill nothing and I guess I still expect to control everything. No matter what my H has done I always forgive him that's something he said How can you possibly love me still when all I do is hurt you over and over again. Maybe a fresh start with DBing and my 1st 180 would be to not help him to not make this so easy. To just speak when I am spoken to and leave it at that. I think for a week or so he needs to know I am very disappointed and upset by doing that and if he says anything saying I know you have your problems but I have mine too and that is I have to get used to the fact that I never really knew you. You see I found out they have been at it for 3 years last night. 3 YEARS 3 YEARS I can't believe I didn't see that, I can't believe my H was deceptive for that long, how did he continue to look me and our son in the face, how did he ML to me constantly till he left and after, why didn't the ML drop off. Where were the signs why didn't I see them, how could I have married this person when he was completely different to what I thought. He has always been so Innocent, Honest Caring not this person, everyone all our friends my family his family cannot believe this of him, nobody knew him. I thought it was MLC he turned 40 last year, I thought it was to do with revelations about his dad interferring with his sisters that did his head in as that was 2 years ago but this is 3 YEARS. No excuses now, I am devastated at him and at myself. I feel so empty, dirty, worthless.....I think this has affected me so much more this time as I have been living in a dream world for 3 years that is such a long time. I do need to go dark as I can't even stand him at the moment, it will be all I can do in letting him have our S as I don't want him near me. I am soooo hurt and devastated. I took our marriage so seriously, you see my parents seperated when I was 15 and I never wanted my kids to live through that and now they will. S9 is my H and my child and S16 and D15 are mine from b4. H has been in their lives since they were 4 & 5. I didn't want them to lose another dad so my god I made sure they weren't around him too much at the beginning, i made sure of him b4 I let the kids in on the relationship and now look i f&&cked it all up. Sorry guys but I am so low at the moment, I cannot believe it. I will go dark that is fine but I don't even know if I want to come back into the light, I will have to work that one out.