Hi everyone, I am new to this but would love to hear from anyone who has had positive outcomes when their spouse has left you for another person. I am trying to "act as if" and it is hard. My H says he still cares about me but has to see what happens with OW first. That makes me feel like I am 2nd best or 2nd choice. If it doesn't work out with OW he may come back to me. I do want him back desperately but it's hard to stay confident. I go out and pretend I am having fun with other people and accept the situation but I feel like that tells him his affair is o.k. He hasn't mentioned divorce yet and hasn't moved in with OW but I feel it's a matter of time. She is from his work and is 10 years older with adult kids, we have a S9, and I have D16 & S17 from previous. He has been their dad for 12 years and says he still wants to be their dad. I think she offers him freedom. No kids screaming when he gets home and no pressures, they can come and go when they like. Apparently they tried to stop their affair several times as they felt guilty but he moved out in Feb not telling me about her and only told me about her 3 weeks ago when he had come to me 2 weeks prior and said he wanted to make a real go of our M. He just didn't tell me about her....He then said she had told him to give it another go for the kids sake.....I dont understand as when he was back at home overnight during the 2 weeks we were supposed to be having another go at it he was loving and tender and caring but was harbouring the secret of his affair. In the end he said his feelings for her were too strong to deny and he couldn't give it a proper go with me until he knew what the future held for them. I would love to hear from anyone in a similair situation and that has had some sort of hope out of this and what sort of things help. As I said I am trying to act as though I don't care and that my life is perfect when it is anything but. I feel sick when I think of him with her so I try not to think about them but that is easier said than done. He is open to doing things together for the kids sake not that we have done that yet other than both going to our S9's footy on Sundays. I don't know if I should wait for him to make the suggestion or make it myself, he has said earlier he would like to do stuff with me and the kids, to keep everyone as friends and says he wants me as a friend and will always care about me. Maybe there is hope I don't know. I have joined the Gym and am trying to lose some weight and have dyed my hair but I don't think he is one bit interested, I think he just wants things smooth sailing as he doesn't like confrontation and he would be thinking life could be difficult if I wanted to make it that way. Mind you I have done nothing to make him think that as I have tried to be understanding about the whole situation telling him he has to do what he feels is best for him and make his own decisions. I dont tell him what to do or offer advice I just keep saying he has to do what is right for him, even though I have a million things to say, I wont. Please Please Please someone must have something to say....... Kim
Dear Kim - Your sitch does sound abit like mine. H's A is also with a co-worker. H always would say "OW told me to go back to the family". It's such a load of BullSh*t from these BAD women.
I am a bad practitioner in DBing as I kept doing what I am NOT supposed to do. So, all I am going to do is to offer you support and a shoulder to cry on.
YoYoGirl - Thanks for replying it is good to know others are going through the same thing. I think it gives you encouragement to keep going. I am dying to hear of someone who has succeeded in this situation though. It is just the worst feeling isn't it you feel like you are 2nd best and just wish they would wake up to themselves and realise what they are doing but it's not that easy. I will just keep doing 180's and hope he notices the change and misses it. Thanks again and Goodluck with you....Kim
I think majority here are living apart from their WASs. For Hs that are still living at home (either sitting on the fence or confused)..think it's me, glj, kaydeekay...not too sure who else. SherryL has her H back in the house after leaving.
I agree that the 2nd Best option thing is kinda hurtful. I did tell my H that I just couldn't accept him going out to live with the OW for awhile, and if it doesnt' work out with her, he return to us. I know it is anti-DBing. But what I think if he can leave me and the boys, and not care about us at all. This is not a man that I want to be married to, and not a man that deserves to be my children's father. So, once he decides to move out...that's the end! (This is very very different from the other DBers who are all very admirable in still keeping the DBing principles to get their WASs back.) I just don't have it in me. But it is really really up to the individual...you'll just have to ascertain what you can and cannot live with.
You can not react to the OW, forget the H and move on. I did all the wrong stuff, I even called the OM, in my case and asked him what the hell are you doing with a woman how has two young kids and a husband that wants her? I'm still cleaning up the mess from that, and because of that(she said) we will never get back together.
You have to forget, move on, GAL, have a PMA, and more. ALL THE THINGS I DID NOT DO!!!
You are in a fight for the love of your H. He does not know it or should he, go for at a site called "ASK MEN" I think it is askmen.com. what that site does for me is two fold. Gives me lots of interesting things to discuss, but also has a relationship side that gives advise to men. tells then not to be wusses. Stand on their own. This site could give you some more insight into the single man mind. Notice I said single. Married men act differently, all men were single once and some long for that style of life. here the point..after the get there, some will think about the grass they have left,(you) they will look, find, seek you out. What the see, will have a great effect on what the do. Men are simple, we get up in the morning thinking about three basic things, pee, food, sex. sorry I hope I did not offend you. We need the first to make room for the second, if we are happy and secure in our surrounds, we could be looking for number three. If our surrounding don't look good, some will look elsewhere for these needs.
You have to have the PMA, be strong and confident, as H goes, say you have tryied buy move on.You and H have a history, think of the things you did as you started to date. Could you work that kind of thing into your day?
This is getting too long so I will stop now.
Be strong, write lots. If I missed the mark, sorry. Russ
Dearjohn and YoYo, too late I confronted her a week ago now. She was away when he told me about her as him and I were supposed to be having another go. After I calmed down over the OW bomb I said to him I would speak to her and then leave her alone as I couldn't understand how she could look me in the face twice when she had been doing him. He said he understood it was something I had to do and that she was ready for it and was accepting that it was something I needed to do. How weird is that. She proceeded to tell me that they had fought their feeling for a year but couldn't fight them anymore and she didn't think my H would even be interested in her but she still kept trying and was pleasantly surprised when he said he was interested too. She says she loves him and will do anything for him as she wants to spend her life with him and will never get in the way of him and his kids and she said he still cares alot for me and knows we still have to see each other. I dont know what game she is playing at but I said to my H that I had spoken to her and that was done that I wouldnt bother her again just needed to hear what she had to say and that they were free to do what they wanted and he had made his decision to be with her and I accepted that. He told me he didn't know if it would work out with her but he had to see and didn't expect me to hang around and wait but if I was still single and it didn't work for them he would let me be the 1st to know. Ha big deal. So sorry guys but I have done that even though I know now I probably shouldnt have its done. It doesnt seem to have ruined anything more and I started DBing after that....Thanks for that site about ask men I will have a look at that....Its interesting to hear a mans point of view and please feel free to give more....Kim
Sorry to hear u r in the same boat as the rest of us ( my sitch: together 6 yrs, married almost 2, few weeks away from delivering our first child, H is involved with OW and admitted to 2 one night stands before this woman ).
I'm getting the same kind of info fed to me by my H, about what the OW is saying...that she never wanted to hurt anyone, that she would never get in the way of my H and this child...blah, blah, blah. But she already has. We live and work in Taiwan and my plan is once this baby is able to fly I'll be going back to Canada.
What I realize about the OW is that she comes off across as the 'more understanding one' to our H's needs and worries. I'd like to be understanding, but it is my life that they have both turned upside down, and this child's. I struggle with how to be reasonable and understanding at an unreasonable/ confusing time.
I can see my H is torn... and in a loop that involves me, him, and OW. I briefly left for a month back to Canada in April, also stayed at a friends place for a week, and last weekend told him to move out...each time I got the 'work on us' speech and I want to live in the house. Everytime I have left or told him to go he runs back.
So by me going to Canada I'm taking myself out of the loop, because as long as this loop exists my H will not come any closer to deciding what he wants.
As for contacting OW, I have had the urge...called her on her cell but she didn't answer ( but it wasn't to talk to her but to track down my H since he wasn't answering his phone ). I think if I ever ran into her I'd only ask her one question..." How could you look me in the eye, sit next to me, carry conversations with me...while u were doing this behind my back?". That's it....and I think it would be enough. I almost wish she was a stranger and I couldn't picture her face, but that's not the case. I'm getting better at blocking thoughts of them together out of my mind, but it's a battle. I just don't care anymore and my H sees it on my face... and it's getting to him. Time will tell what will happen next, especially when this baby arrives. Will there be a turn around in my H? Maybe. Then it us up to me what choices I make.
Patience is the key as everyone says on these boards, but for everyone it is different. It is up to you to figure out how long you are willing to be 2nd best.
Kim - I finally got a chance to catch up w/your sitch. My H too told me that he and OW were going to make a go at things.....they never made it, and yours more then likely wont either. The hardest part right now is the newness of their "open R" will over ride everything, but it wears thin quickly.
My best advise is to work on yourself, take care of your self and be patient. I cant not tell you how many times my impatience has only pushed me back.
Sometimes you see alot of progress, sometimes you will feel as if you are starting all over again, and sometimes you will be so frustrated you want to just give up.
Keep reading, vent and pour your frustrations and ideas and feelings here - I"ve been exactly where you are right now and Ive been at this for a year, but I've seen alot of good results w/DR. My H left OW this weekend to work on R, course now he has cold feet, but I'm patient.I wish you the best of luck
