I posted before in the Beginner's forums, but now the complexion of what has happened to I and my wife is much different than I originally thought.
When my W droppped the bomb (ILYBINILWY), she admitted to having an affair with a co-worker, although it was limited to embracing, kissing, flirting, and sharing about their marriage problems. No actual sex. But when pressed about this affair, she always told me the problems was with us, not with this OM. Well, there certainly are problems with me and our marriage (which I'm working on in Full-on DB mode), but progress has been slow because I discovered she had not cut off the relationship with the OM as she told me she would.
So I went to the OM. I have known him for awhile, and he's a nice enough guy. I can see what my wife sees in him (he's a bit like me in many ways). I told him that my family (we have two kids) was being torn apart by what was going on between he and my wife, and that we had no chance of reconciling, for good or for parting, if he was pursuing my wife. He understood, gave me his word it would stop dead, even if it meant quitting his job, and said that he didn't mean for it to go as far as it did. I do know he pursued my wife, so he's not totally up front about it, but he's religious, and has his own marriage problems (which he told me about when confronted), so I think he understands and will do as he said. I did not hide this meeting from my wife. She tells me she intends to cut it off, too. But she is emotionally attached to the OM, writing him letters, listening to love songs she relates to him, etc. Only time will help that.
But right now she is so emotionally distanced from me she doesn't let anything through. Everything I offer her is rejected. About the only way I get anything from her is by staying back, just working on myself, and sometimes she sits close to me, or offers me her iPod to work out with, or something nice. But she still maintains she wants to seperate, or at least she did 2 weeks ago.
So, what do I do to now? I want complete honesty from her. I can't go on wondering all the time if she's still carrying on. I was thinking of asking her for the complete honesty tonight, but I am a bit anxious about it, too.
Last night I went to our marriage couselor by myself. W said she might go next time.
After talking to the couselor I put off any conversation about being completely honest with each other about the OW. I guess I need to back off and let her sort it out on her own instead of pressuring her to reveal everything, particularly since she sees him on a professional level almost daily. I would be asking her to judge a lot of grey area as far as what she should be telling me.
Still, really difficult not to be anxious about it.
