Let me address Wes first. My opinion is many people try to quantify, measure, label the WAS's behavior, because as I said, we do not understand it. Maybe trying better to understand their behavior will offer some insight, perhaps no relief from their selfish behavior, but some insight.
In the case of being poison or dangerous to the WAS, then they would avoid us completely. And in the beginning of the situation, this was the case. XW wanted little to do with me, staying away from the house before she moved out, not calling as regular, certainly not engaging in ANY conversation. And in Wes's case, his XW clearly does not find much reason to stay away or not talk to him.
I think by continuing to be friendly, upbeat, moving forward, we mitigate the fear factor. They find reason to call or be around. Will this lead to a revived or expanded R? Who knows? But we know what the alternative brings.
Quote: listen, validate, empathize, be patient, treat the WAS well, GAL, give space, be gentle, change ourselves for the better, do not assign blame, wish the best for them, support them through their hard times, etc.
This is the summation of what it should be about.
As for religion, this was something XW discarded after the "bomb", separation, D. I once told her people were praying for her and she said, "You know how I feel about religion."
ILY's, in my mind, are pressure and a definite NO, unless you find an ideal situation or opportunity and expect nothing in return.
It really is about having no expectations.
In the intial pursuit of a new person, we can once again use Wes as an example, we would not likely say ILY, so it seems to follow we would not say this to the WAS in words, but in actions.
Whatever the reason, we let the M and R slip away and the WAS slipped away. I've asked myself before, do I reach the point where she should want to return that I no longer want her to be an intimate part of my life?
