Quote:

I like this debate guys. If you wish to shift over to my thread to continue it so we dont impose on Kevin you are welcome. In the end, you will find that we are all probably in agreement, just with different shades of reasoning.




I'm going to do just that, UD. But first I am going to answer Bruce's reply here!

Quote:

There will be no reasoning here



To some point, we can always reason away other's behavior. But do we want to excuse it? Not entirely. Do we want to forgive them? That's up to the individual's own set of ethics and beliefs. Do we want to change ourselves for the sake of personal growth? I, for one, answer YES.

As my s17 stated to me, I am being overanalytic in hopes of making logical sense out of illogical actions. But I have done that in all areas of my life. If I don't get a job position, I look over all the possibilities of why, and make changes for the next opportunity. Still, I have no clue why I didn't get that one I really wanted, but I can focus on my changes to get the next one.

So now, I have the choice to look over all his behaviors and mine to make any necessary changes to my own approach and behaviors for the next R (w/ex or not!)

On the debate of MLC, even if the WAS is not in a full blown crisis; what would be the ill effects of using that knowledge in dealing w/them? UD, would you use a different approach in your situation if your w was not in MLC.

As for the signs I have seen in my ex:
1. Bought a Harley
2. Started hanging out w/single friends more regularly.
3. "All I ever do is work to help out others, I do nothing for myself"
4. "Single guys have more fun"
5. My oldest son's father passes due to lung cancer; ex is just plan 'weirded out' over this. (realization of immortality?) Asks for a div on the way home from the funeral. (He 'forgot' this comment later!)
6. Went through a couple of appearance changes. For 6 months he grew a beard, quit smoking, etc. Then 'someone' made a comment and he changed over to clean cut and new wardrobe. (he blamed me for the comment.)
7. Tried to fight for custody of our s8 and gave up when he realized it would interfere in his lifestyle.
8. Extremely possessive. (HIS house, HIS bike, HIS job, etc)
9. Bouts of extreme depression, talk of runnning away, etc.

So, I don't know, could these be reasoned away to some other problem or disorder? Would I want to use a different approach? Or am I not looking deep enough into my own reactions to the changes he made?

I have noticed in the past that I have reacted in anger (which just gets him angry and set in denial), done my share of pleading and begging (this puts him in withdrawal), and to some point distanced myself from him (and then he pursued!) (I'm talking about an emotional distance here, not the physical distance.) But it all seems like we just keep going in circles until one of us changes the action/reaction.

Sorry, UD, took over your thread and just rambling away this morning!
T

PS. I'm reading Chapman, and have my Conway book back now!