Yes, we cannot hope to understand what the heck is going on in the WAW minds. There is a lot of fear, anger, hurt and other feelings there that do not fall under the category of rational by any means. If the WAW is in MLC then it is obvious thet nobody, including them, knows what the heck is going on in their minds on any given day.
It is indeed futile to try to figure out their thought processes. However, if we do not monitor their behavior (at least their average behavior over a period of time -say weeks) how are we to detect any baby steps or even trends in their behavior. I have been in this for 2 years now guys and I do detect a trend in my WAW's behavior. The same is the case with my friend whose MLC-WAH came back after 3 years. There was a pattern. The key is to observe, record and discuss sustained trends in the WAW's behavior over extended periods of time without reacting to the daily insanity or the two-steps-forward-one-step-back vicissitudes.
Bruce, your words of caution on not trying to analyze every move of our WASs is well taken. But is it not DBing to experiment and monitor results (Michele's timelines are 4-6 weeks for the process of experiment and data collection). I believe this is a bit optimistic and assumes linear progression of WAW behavior. I would say more like 2-3 months.
Again, my observation of WAW's pattern, as with what I have heard from experienced hands in observing MLCs (Snodderley and others on the midlifeforum website) is that the process takes 3-4 years. My timelines so far: 1. Year 1 - WAW in anger and replay. I am in denial. (WAW's sentiment - you are the problem. My sentiment - WTF happened to you?) 2. Year 2 - WAW in withdrawal, depression, and brief visits to earlier stages of six MLC stages. WAW starts to briefly reconnect with old friends and me. I am in anger. (WAW sentiment - this is nobody's fault. She even said to me : "thanks for being so good to me through this" My sentiment - How can she do this to D3?) 3. Year 3 - WAW hovering in withdrawal, less depression, reconnecting in hit-and-run ways. Shrinking of physical space. Her sentiment - I dont know how to come back. My sentiment - whatever.
I do believe that: a) there is a long-term pattern. b) That we can influence this long-term pattern by our behavior and response. There are no guarantees but we are not powerless.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
