I suspect we will recognize many of these patterns in ourself; I know I did.
I know I became complacent and was not actively engaged in life and as a result, the marriage.
And I was WAY too late in realizing it and then as you point out, the WAS has no interest in trying to revive the M, because they do believe anything can change.
Regardless of the future, I know I have taken a long look at myself and know I have a long way to go toward finding my purpose and myself, but I understand much more about myself and the dynamic of an R than I did.
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Upon reviewing my previous posts I got the feeling that I was somehow casting my W as the villain of the piece. That I was tarring her with the stigma of the mid-life crisis. I think, upon the heels of my admission of how I believe I contributed to where I am with my WAW, I want to further confess how I feel about my WAW. This is straight from my heart:
1. My W is the first and only woman that I have loved. I fell in love with her because she had an amazingly bright smile. She still does. She was lively, vivacious and sexy. She still is.
2. She is the woman that I love.
3. I failed her in many ways. I am trying to forgive myself for that but it has been very difficult.
4. She lost her way. I was partially to blame for her loss of way. She is a woman who for a long time carried many burdens. She came from a humble background. She rose above it by her intelligence and her hard work and strength. I admire her for it. I helped her get to where she is every step of the way. I hope deep in her heart she remembers that. Her father ailed for ten years and died prematurely fast on the heels of the death of both her grandmothers. Three deaths in a space of two years. I was there and I held her hand on all three tragedies. Sometimes i am very angry with her for casting me aside and for forgetting the past.
5. My W lost her way. I feel terribly sad about it. I wish I could help her. But I know I cannot. I can only stand by and watch. Now I want to be a better man. Hopefully she will see that I am somebody that changed for the better through this ordeal and that I never gave up on her. That she can depend on me and come back to me if she so decides.
6. I have great compassion for my W. Her days must be heavy on her now. I can sense that. She is trying to deal with her pain amidst being a mother to my child and trying to struggle through her career. Despite my pain I hope to lighten her load in any way I can. Some days it is difficult. My selfishness gets in the way. I have to learn to be self-sufficient and fill my time with things that make me better.
7. I know that my W hates where she is but she cannot help herself. It is a terrible place to be. The best I can do is to be gentle with her.
Through all this I hope I come out a better man. I hope she comes out a better woman. And if things go that way, I hope we come out as a better couple.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Your admissions of your contribution to the breakdown of your M and the loss of your W's self sound like I could have written them, only you are much more eloquent than I.
Likewise, your thoughts and feelings about your W and what she is going through in this post are how I feel about mine. That has been a constant struggle for me inn this ordeal; to not blame my W for what she is going through and taking this action and not blaming myself for the entire breakdown of the R/M.
I, too, need to work on being a stronger man, regardless of the outcome. This Deida book seems to be wellread amongst guys in this circle. Maybe I should pick it up for a read.
Some of you may recall the situation regarding the refinancing of the house that cam up a couple weeks ago. Recall that my WAW had prompted me to refinance the house in my name (i.e. she assumed that I would take her off the mortgage) and I like an idiot went to the bank and discussed refinancing but with both our names on. If you recall sometime last week (Wednesday) I asked her for our W2's from last year (she has both of them) and her paystub so I could refinance. At that point she said "I thought you were going to refinance in your name" and I had a "duh" moment realizing what she had meant. A couple days passed and the W2 did not materialize. So last Friday I sent her an email saying I would like MY W2 at least so I can refinance in MY name, i.e. I would take her off the mortgage (giving her what she wants). She said "oh, sure, it's on my desk at home and I will give it to you tomorrow (saturday)". Well, no W2 yet. We have seen each other several times already and she has not given me the W2 yet. What gives?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Yeah. Makes you wonder, huh? If it were so important to her to get this done, then you'd think she'd hand deliver what you need to get it done. Kinda sounds like the D thing too, if I remember your sitch. You aren't D, though she wants one, correct?
Don't know what to make of it. I guess I'd probably not make much of it. I, like you, often assumed my now ex-W wasn't pursuing D, but low and behold she got the papers to me. I guess it's an assumption to think that she's holding up the process of refinancing because she really doesn't want her name off the house. My W was always hesitant to mention anything about the D and other issues surrounding S/D for fear it would upset me. Perhaps she knows you don't want to refinance in just your name so she doesn't want to upset you by appearing to be in a big hurry. Just a thought.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This has been a most blah week. Nothing good or bad happened in my sitch. I saw the W all of 1 hour for during the entire week. W has given up sugar (and that includes chocolate and ice cream - yeah, right, this is going to last) this week to ward off headaches she has been having. And exercising everyday she claims. Somehow I feel every time she gets tense she complains of these headaches and then comes up with some remedies that she fashions for herself. A month or so ago she said it was a problem with her jaws. She got facial massages for it and said that got rid of the headaches. Now she says it's sugar....Hmmmm...Anywho, havent gotten any papers this week, no W2's to refinance the house either. So this is ultra-limbo-land. But I am okay. PMA has been great, due to marathon training (13 miles coming up Sunday), tennis and watching Wimbledon (I love Federer) and reading books(Best of Science writing 2004, Awakening at Midlife). Have some little plans for home improvement (gardening, fixing old blinds in the house, bringing in some new house plants) for the weekend.
Well, have a great long weekend everyone.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Ahhh, the somaticizing. Been there, done that. W is the queen of it, but I haven't been around to hear most of it lately. Maybe she needs to have more trust in me to share that part of her again?
She's writing a book on stress management (cut me out as a co-author during the D process - thank you very much ), and now is trying yoga and has lots of zen signs and wears outfits from every walk of life other than hers (white western culture). Now why don't guys do that? Have you ever seen a white guy from Minneapolis walking around work or the mall wearing a kimono or a poncho? Whoops! Off on a tangent...
Her sharing about her ailments and her exploration are positives, UD - signs of trust and possible growth. In addition, you also know that things are not rosy in WAS-land.
You are doing a great job with the GAL work. I have 3 books on female MLC on the way, so I hope to get into some reading myself soon.
We have seen each other several times already and she has not given me the W2 yet. What gives?
), and now is trying yoga and has lots of zen signs and wears outfits from every walk of life other than hers (white western culture). Now why don't guys do that? Have you ever seen a white guy from Minneapolis walking around work or the mall wearing a kimono or a poncho? 
Whoops! Off on a tangent...