Thanks for your post. Quite helpful this morning. With some of this pre-D stuff it's hard to know what to do. In my opinion you can't really resist some stuff (separate bank accounts, etc) without giving the impression that you are waiting for your WAW to come back. That's probably as much pressure as just telling her..."I think we'll be back together". Some things that you do can be reversed later if everything works out between you. Just MHO
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I have been thinking about this mortgage thing and have decided to not act on it one way or another until next week. I am inclining toward proceeding to relieve W of her name on the mortgage. I dont want to apply any pressure on her anymore. She can do what she wants. Right now she is so focused on getting a D that she cant think of anything else, much less about an R with me. My holding on to this mortgage thing is only going to slow the process of her getting some relief from this miserable bind that she is in.
On Independendce day (May 22, 2005) My W had said that the arrangement should be that I should have the house and everything in it and all our past savings etc. (IRAs and everything) upon D!!!! She does not want anything! Just a painless process where we sign off on a sheet of process and she is free as a bird. Talk about getting a completely no fault, uncontested, painless divorce. Hey, am I lucky or what?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Talk about getting a completely no fault, uncontested, painless divorce. Hey, am I lucky or what?
That's very nice of her. I think she'll come to regret it. My question...are you just going to agree to that? While I'd look out for myself I don't think I'd just keep everything. I'd suggest what's fair. She has so much guilt about this that she's willing to give up everything.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
"She has so much guilt about this that she's willing to give up everything." - You said it, absolutely. The guilt is just killing her. I dont know how to deal with it. It is almost as if teh feeling of guilt so overwhelms her that she has no emotional space for any other feeling!
Anyway, this whole splitting mode where I get to keep everything was her idea, not mine and I have not agreed to anything. You know, I was trying to argue with her during the "Independence day" convo that we should split everything evenly. I don't really want anything from her including a D!! I am prepared to give her anything she wants from the house really, including the damn house. What good is it to me now - too many memories.... But what she wants is to not go through the process of actually splitting things because that would be too painful. She just wants to check out of the M like it is a hotel or something, i.e. leave the furniture, towels, dishes (including our wedding China), pictures (including our D3'd baby pictures which she has not looked at for almost 2 years now, our wedding pictures etc.). She just wants to erase the last 10 years of her life and move on to a bigger and better one. Like just trading up fro a new car, huh? When asked why initially she gave me a laundry list of things that were just bad about me, suming it all up by saying "you are weird"! Well, for the last year, it has been that she has "changed". Can anyone make sense of this statement - "you have been good for me in many ways, but I have changed". The classic "it's not you, it's me" cop-out that one cannot counter. Oh well, I am just ranting here....The MLC-WAW mind has no logic in it.
My WAW just wants to check out of real life for a while...And she wants me to make it happen with as little pain as possible for her. I have no choice but to comply.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thanks for your insights. Thought I'd address some good points that you brought out: " Here's a thought, since she was having the PMA inducing shopping fix last week; she may be looking out for your credit right now." - we already have separate bank accounts (for the past year). She makes more money than I do so I dont think she is in money trouble.
"but in the goal to find the illusive happiness, she may still go through w/it." -Yes, I think this is her strategy. She seems to think this will fix all her problems.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Have you discussed any of this with an attorney? Or your mortgage lender? You might want to do that, just to know what your actual legal options are at this point. It's not like you can't find one in our community...we're pretty "lousy" with attorneys around here!
Also, if you ever want to get together for a cup of coffee or something, my junk email address is posted on my last thread. Drop me a line, but be sure to put some reference in the subject line so I know it's from you/DR'er. Otherwise I'll delete it. Besides, you know...misery loves company, right?
Thanks for your input on the mortgage issue. I see that all of you, and others off the bb that I have spoken to seem to think that I should just go ahead and do the paperwork to relieve her of her name on the mortgage. I have great pain as I do this - it was our first home, in the first year or so we painted all the rooms together, spent days picking colors, our D3 was brought home to it and laid on the bed that I sleep on- I seem to have so many sentimental attachments. My W has none, how the heck can this be?
Well, I emailed my W this morning letting her know that I will go ahead and initiate the paperwork necessary next week to refinance the house in my name. I have no choice. This is what she wants and I don't want to fight about it with her. If an easy divorce is what she wants so she can move on with her life, I will give it to her. I cannot control her and do not want to control her. It just causes both of us more pain. The divorce in inevitable anyway and I think "what you resists persists". So I am going with her flow. I would actually like to split the assets (equity) associated with the house and plan to broach the issue with her when the paperwork comes up. So far she does not want to do any money-splitting (too painful?). Although a large part of the payments on the house were made by me, since she was on part-time employment earlier on and did not make as much money as I did, I feel it is not fair for me to just keep everything on the house. But she wants to avoid guilt more than anything.
I am entering into a really tough pre-D period here folks. One of my friends said "eat your veggies". Well, I am preparing to join your elite veggie-enriched club....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
My now ex-W had tons of guilt during this process. And the more she thought she was hurting me the more guilt she had. Mine also was initially pretty much "don't want anything except what I brought with me". She still hasn't taken all of that even. But I did make offers that were accepted over time like splitting the savings.
I'm sure after all this time that your wife has pretty much replaced all or most of the possessions anyway...so maybe I wouldn't push the issue. I would look for things that are hers and prepare to give them to her. I would suggest that you split the equity. You might have paid, but you were married so that doesn't count. You were the breadwinner at that time.
Will she turn you down on some of that? Probably. If she turns you down or uses the "too painful" excuse, I would use that opportunity to look her in the eyes and say "I'm not angry at you for this. Despite our disagreement on this issue I know you feel that D is the right thing for you. Don't feel guilty about it. I just want this to be fair." Or whatever UD words that you choose to use. It seems to me that your W needs to hear some words to assuage her guilt some. She shouldn't have to carry that around. Make sure she knows you forgive her. Just MHO
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for your continued thoughts on this matter. I have tried to assuage her guilt at every possible occasion and perversely when I do that her mood gets better and she even warms up to me a little bit. Hence my move here to let her go. The more I try to keep our bonds together the more unhappy she gets.
Here is the catch. In order to keep her happy I have to help her feel less guilty and hence let her know that what she is doing here (i.e. breaking up our M and family etc.) is okay. On the other hand I desperately want to keep my family together. I can't seem to win! Does anyone have any insight into how to resolve this dynamic? I guess it is not under my control...I know that is what you are all going to say. I am frustrated that there is no way to stop this runaway train towards divorce. But, aren't we all ?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Can't offer any insight on how to resolve our validating and even facilitating their need to D and our conflicting desire to stay M. You know in my case I validated her feelings on D and did nothing to stand in the way of it. It didn't do any good in stopping the D train. So I can't offer any useful suggestions. Preserve what you can of the R. That might be all you have left despite your best effort.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
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