This weekend my W asked me to see about refinancing the house. I live there now (since she moved out) but it is still in both our names. I am paying the mortgage on it however. I have been planning on refinancing it myself anyway just to take advantage of low interest rates. Now, I did not relaize that she wanted me to do the refinancing as a first step towards D!! So, I went in this morning to the bank and got the refinancing procedures started. That required her paycheck for last month. I called her back to let her know what the refinancing involves and to let her know what I need from her. So here is the problem:
She said she thought I would refinance it to be solely in my name. So she wants me to start the process of deconstructing the M! I dont want to take any steps myself in that direction. Recall that she promised me D on May 22 and has not followed through (as yet and as far as I know) with paperwork.
So, on the phone I was stymied. Did not know what to say. So I just said "well, I would go ahead and do this for now and later when things changed we can just do the whole deed in my name". She seemed to go along with that (at least in that phone call). I dont know what the next day or two will bring....
Anyway, here is my dilemma: If I have her on the lease under the proviso that we can split the assets later then I would be applying pressure, would I not? On the other hand, if I get the mortgage into my name now then it is like I am casting the first salvo on deconstructing the M and my stand is that I do not want a D.
I dont know what to do. Any input is appreciated.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Two things: First of all I think you've assumed that since she hasn't mentioned D that she wasn't proceeding that way. You may recall that despite all the good interactions with my W that she still kept shocking me by going full steam ahead with the D. It's hard to say whether your W abandoned thoughts of D.
Secondly, I guess the refinancing sounds more symbolic than anything. To you it's a sign of dismantling the marriage, to her it's just practical. I also think it's practical if feasible. This is someone who is willing to create a single parent home for your child. The name on the mortgage seems really insignificant in comparison. Agreeing to refinance and take her name off is not going to make it any more likely that you'll get divorced. I say just agree to it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I know that it would be naive to assume that she has banished thoughts of D. In fact it would be nothing short of miraculous if she did. I would in fact go all the way to say that I think she is slowly taking steps in that direction. But I also know she is confused about it. I dont think that most WAWs are perfectly comfortable with that decision although I may be wrong.
I told her on the telephone that I was just going to go ahead and refinance with both of us on it and then we can change over if "things change". I have until tomorrow to finalize the refinancing. I am meeting her tonight and will see what her position is after she has had all day to think about it.
Wes, I know what you mean by "it's only on paper" and all that. Apart from causing me just a day or so of grief about doing the paperwork and having her name off our first home together, the one in which our child was born, I think I will be okay with it. But I am still questioning if she just wants me to make it easy on her to get a D? Well, I know, I know, it's not like I can stop it from happening.....I am so confused
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: But I am still questioning if she just wants me to make it easy on her to get a D?
I still don't understand how refinancing in your name makes it any easier to get a D. The house will come into the equation regardless of the name on the mortgage. Having just your name doesn't make it all that much easier.
Not to be the pessimist, but I wouldn't refinance if you are going to put both your names on it because if you do end up getting divorced you'll just have to refinance again to get her name off. That doesn't make sense. If you aren't willing to just have your name on the mortgage then don't refinance. That's my 2 cents. I do think you need to look out for yourself here and refinancing in both your names is not practical.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm jealous. I wish I had a fellow DBer in the same town. Especially a female. Then we could each use the other to make the spouse/SO jealous. That would be cool. Support, someone to do something with, someone that understands the situation, and the added benefit of giving the impression I'm dating.
I'm definitely going to try to go to the reunion, but it could be problematic. I'll know more later.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well, you all are welcome to use my thread to vent your frustrations at being lonesome anytime.Bruce, I am going to be in Austin for a conference in July (24-26)! Hey, any of you want to look me up in IC I can provide contact info.
I read Bulldogr's post on Wes' thread and man was that uplifting. I certainly think my W is having an MLC. Somedays, like this evening, she comes in with a completely different personality. And I know who it is. It is her male coworker, who is also having an MLC. I kid you not guys. It's very eerie. In fact, her hand movements, lip pursing, even the way she says our D3's name is a copy of this guy's mannerisms. In fact, when she does that I say to myself, "Oh, I guess T... (the male coworker) is here today". And when this character comes over (i.e. she comes over assuming that mannerism) it means things are not good for the sitch. I have learnt over time to deal with it. When this character is in play I start acting very gruff and standoffish. Sometimes I leave the room and do my own thing. I take my machoness up a couple of notches (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's easy to go from 0 to 2 on a scale of 10, but hey a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do). And I look her straight in the eye. And you know what, she switches personality. I am not making this up folks, it's true, I swear. Anyone else seen this? I know from the midlifeforum boards that this is not uncommon in MLCers. I believe that Snodderly has noted this also in some of her posts on MLCs.
Anyway, Wes and all, I am still pondering the mortgage issue. I am sitting still on it and the answer will come in the next day or so I hope. I am not averse to simply deleting her from the mortgage and letting go. We'll see.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Hey, Bruce, in answer to your ? - the Dells of Wisconsin
UD, I wouldn't worry too much about the mortgage unless she is trying to make you look bad in court. Here's a thought, since she was having the PMA inducing shopping fix last week; she may be looking out for your credit right now.
I sometimes forget that you haven't been through the divorce yet. Try and prepare for it as best you can. Especially since it seems your w is having a MLC. It may not happen, you've made some very positive efforts; but in the goal to find the illusive happiness, she may still go through w/it.
Keep focusing on your GAL efforts. These MLC'ers are strange creatures!
So, I went in this morning to the bank and got the refinancing procedures started. That required her paycheck for last month. I called her back to let her know what the refinancing involves and to let her know what I need from her. So here is the problem:
