Crap, I applied pressure this morning. Went to pick up D3 to drop her off to daycare and W was really down. She said she threw up multiple times last night. I couldn't help but be extra-nice to her (There goes my Brad-Pitt-dont-give-a-[censored]-I-can-have-any-woman-I-want impersonation- poof!). Made her morning tea (which she accepted), offered to massage her forehead(used to do this in the good times a lot- my LL is AOS) which she politely declined (OK, guys please kick me in my groin for doing this). Told her "I hope she gets better through the day and call me if she needs help". All major pursuit events. Now I am just feeling like the Anti-Brad-Pitt and kicking myself. Did I totally mess up or what?
Anyway, W has been increasingly stressed out this week (contemplating D papers? or maybe work related? who knows?). And the "accidental touching" has stopped. She has begun to recoil when I get closer. Funny, last week she had high PMA and was initiating accidental touch. This week, she is down and recoiling from it. Also, D3 has been difficult this week. She moved up from the 2-year-old section to 3-year-old section at daycare and this may be causing her to be a little more aggressive and she has been pushing the envelope. I have had to get upset with her and threaten time-outs to get her to mind. This actually wears my PMA down. I hate being nasty with my D3. So maybe all of that is getting W's PMA way down and mine has been a bit of a challenge to hold up as well.
Well, no papers yet, we'll see how this thing goes. One and all, I will humbly accept cyber-kicks across the ether to my groin. Thanks for the same.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Too much analyzing (look who's talking). Your wife doesn't feel well. Not the time to try to interpret whether she's withdrawing from you. Shake it off. I think considering how she felt that your offers were certainly not off base, nor do they represent hard core pursuit.
Let her consider the loving act and sympathy you showed her. Maybe when she's feeling better the offers will be appreciated.
Obviously I'm not the one to give you a cyber kick to the groin.
Let us know how it goes.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Evaluating progress on goals at the end of two weeks:
0. Act happy, Be happy - 80% success. Doing okay here. PMA slightly low this week due to W's withdrawal and I have engaged in minor pursuit- need to get that under control.
1. Move on in every single way. Apply zero pressure. Do nothing R-wise. Stay still and calm. - I applied pressure a couple of times this week. Not good news. This needs to stop. I have been doing better in the last couple of days.
2. Be extremely friendly with W at every contact, be upbeat and positive. - This I have been, maybe too friendly. Yuck, need to stop acting needy.
3. Continue to pursue GAL activities (training for marathon, tennis, reading, spending time with D3, travel for pleasure- will go see friends). Spruce up wardrobe and look well-put-together. - Made a lot of progress here. New clothes. W refused to acknowledge the new clothes! She prided herself at one time on picking out my clothes for me. So this is definitely a moving-on strategy for me. I have started to train for my marathon.
4. Act as if D is not happening or if it is I am fine with it. - This one I have succeeded in, to the extent that when W says things that indicate that she is now my X effectively I simply let it pass and dont respond. I feel like she is actually testing me this week by saying things in that vein repeatedly.
5. Get a lot of sleep and be well rested. - sleep's been good.
6. Get in touch with good friends and enjoy their company, both in person and on telephone. - Oh yeah, I have been doing this intensely in the past two weeks.
7. Keep a high profile and goal-oriented at work. - Getting there. I still seem to be locking myself in my room too much. I need to keep my door open and be more outgoing.
8. Need to add some intrigue (no idea how). - Trying out an experiment today. I have left out two wineglasses on the counter and have an extra-clean house. Last night was my night off from takin care of D3. W usually really checks out everything so I am not sure what impact this will have. Just curious (for fun).
Am planning on buying some men's cologne today. Havent worn one in ages, but maybe step in the right direction anyway.
OK. Will file weekend report. Take care all.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
The last two weeks have been completely crazy and illuminating in the most WTF-kind of way. I dont purport to understand it all but then that is just standard fare for this WAS crap I guess.
Week 1 - My PMA was sky-high. W was happy as she had returned from a successful conference. And she was flirting with me and there was a shrinkage of physical space and lots of accidental contact initiated entirely by her. Weekend was great, out in public together and lunch Saturday (scheduled time with D3) and dinner Sunday (initiated by her).
Week 2: Beginning of week D3 starts to act up - adjustment to next age-group at day care I think. W loses her PMA. I let mine down as D3 acts up and I lose cool with D3 on Wednesday. W comes over to pick up D3 and I am a little fatigued. W starts saying that D3 is acting up, must be daycare situation etc.....But W feels that I am blaming her for D3's behavior and she gets really down. I validate her, tell her she is a good mom etc. She calls the next morning and I continue to validate her. W is so down that she actually gets sick and starts throwing up etc. and is flat on her back for a day (has to be stress, she has had this happen multiple times to her in the past year). I have to work extra-hard to support her and validate her being a great mom to get her back to decent PMA. She appears to be back somewhat today and there has been some touching that did not lead to recoil and the physical space has shrunk somewhat also.
OK, the title of this post is because of this:
The WAW and the pain caused by it is the reason for our low PMA. But if we display low PMA the WAW gets even more down. It seems like we need to get out of this catch 22 situation by some really intense self-work and detachment in order to keep the sitch afloat! I am still working on that.
Therefore I am ready, based on empirical data, to propose three UD laws of DBing (physics fans may notice shades of Newton's laws?): Law 1. PMA on the part of the LBS is absolutely critical in DBing. Law 2. The rate of change of PMA of the LBS is inversely proportional to the PMA of the WAS. In turn, the rate of change of PMA of the WAS is inversely proportional to that of the LBS. (For people with a physics/math backrgound, you will easily recognize this law as leading to a negative spiral, i.e. if one person's PMA falls, the other's will as well and so on ad infinitum). Law 3. Since the WAW will constantly try to undermine the PMA of the LBS, due to Law 2, it is clear that the LBS must look for a constant source of PMA that is external to the LBS-WAW dynamic. I.e. action on the part of the LBS should not be an equal and opposite reaction to the WAW's drama.
OK, corollaries to the laws on Monday. Class dismissed. Sorry, guys, I am actually quite proud of those laws. Nevertheless, cyber-kicks into my geeky groin will be entertained.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Upon further reflection I now see that Michele has already stated these laws in alternate forms:
Law 1. Keep up PMA. Law 2. You need to detach. Validate your WAS. Law 3. GAL.
So, I think my contribution with those laws is limited to casting them in abstruse language.....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
OK. No D papers yet. W announced intention to D on May 22. So three weeks have passed. Hmmmm....... I dont know what is worse, the wait in limbo-land or the D papers.
Weekend was fun. W and D3 and I did the usual Saturday routine (gymnastics class for D3, lunch, hangout at the mall, W bought D3 swim trunks for D3's swim classes starting this week). I made the schedule for when W and I would take D3 for her swim classes. This is a change for me, I would typically let W take care of those things.
Sunday- Ran 10 miles in the morning (first weekend run for marathon training). It was hot and humid, phew! Picked up D3 from W's place and took her to mall (usual routine with D3, she is going to be a mall rat, well actually we spend most of the time in the Barnes and Noble bookstore in the mall, so it's not too bad I guess). Bought D3 pool shoes and swim goggles ("doddles", D3 hasnt gotten the hard g's and k's yet). She wore it all over the mall and was entirely too funny skipping all over the place in it. She insists on wearing it in the bath now. Anywho, W arrived to pick D3 up. Asked me if I would like to go to dinner (Well, I guess this is becoming a regular thing again). I agreed to go. I know, I know, but she initiated. We had a good time. We then went and got D3 some ice cream and played in the playground with her before splitting. Not a bad time.
No major improvements in physical space issue. There was some accidental touching but I was acting as-if I was entirely oblivious to it. I think I am going to continue that. I want the physical space to shrink (one of my goals).
Baby steps, yes. But folks, there have been a gazillion baby steps in the past two years. But 0.5 gazillion steps with a positive sign and 0.5 gazillion with a negative sign. Zero sum game! But, hope springs eternal.
Hope all of you had a decent weekend.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Re the D papers - she might be in 2 minds what to do so she's stalling (my H did this for 2 years, in the end I divorced him just to get it over with), or it may just take ages.
When I filed it took several weeks for the papers to be served to H (he still refused to sign) and then it was 4 months from the unsigned papers being sent to the court until the decree nisi came through.
Then it was another 4 months after the decree nisi before the D was final, so the whole process took about 9 months.
This is English law, though, and it might be different in your country.
I would just try to put it out of your mind. The number of times H said he wanted a D and then didn't, well, half of what the WAS say is rubbish, and even if she's serious, you will upset yourself worrying so you might as well just carry on enjoying her and D3's company.
Re Barnes and Noble, my stomach flipped over when I read that because my book is going to be in Barnes and Noble
Best Wishes,
Jo.
PS: waiting for publisher's is more nerve racking than waiting for H and kids!
Quote: I dont know what is worse, the wait in limbo-land or the D papers.
Both. You begin to convince yourself she is having second thoughts about the whole D process, then BAM, she drops papers on you when she has made no mention of it for months. It is impossible, but try to steel yourself. I cannot possibly explain it, but it feels like having your insides kicked out.
But right now, all the interactions seem positive and I'm beginning to decide (at least for other people), if the WAS intiates, why not accept. If they did not want to invite you for something, they would not ask.
But, and here is another impossible task, do not confuse their actions for anything more than they than are. Continue to have no expectations and to enjoy.
Barnes and Noble, huh? Wow, I will be looking for your book. My D3 and I practically live there. End of the year, did you say? What is the title of the book?
"The number of times H said he wanted a D and then didn't, well, half of what the WAS say is rubbish, and even if she's serious, you will upset yourself worrying so you might as well just carry on enjoying her and D3's company."- My WAW has also said she wants a D over the past two years but never followed through (It's like one of those annoying dolls that D3 used to play with- apply a little pressure and you hear "I want a D" ). This time it was different though in that she took her rings off and informed some close friends that she had decided. But you are right, she is confused and I dont really buy anything she says. I am keeping my PMA up and enjoying my time with/without her as best I can. I have started to read again (i.e. non-R-improvement type books, I have pretty much read all the R-improvement books worth reading in the market).
"PS: waiting for publisher's is more nerve racking than waiting for H and kids!" - that's funny .
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I had to stop in to say that BN is my s8's favorite place also! Whenever we traveled for medical reasons we would always stop at the local BN to keep things familiar for s. (He has more children's books than our local library - j/k!)
Sounds like your week went pretty good, UD! Keep working on the goals and I agree that waiting for the D papers is very stressful.
Good luck on the marathon. I trained for a 5k run years ago and that was very exciting. I didn't place well, but was so proud of myself just for being able to finish! T
Anywho, W arrived to pick D3 up. Asked me if I would like to go to dinner (Well, I guess this is becoming a regular thing again). I agreed to go. I know, I know, but she initiated. We had a good time. We then went and got D3 some ice cream and played in the playground with her before splitting. Not a bad time.
). This time it was different though in that she took her rings off and informed some close friends that she had decided. But you are right, she is confused and I dont really buy anything she says. I am keeping my PMA up and enjoying my time with/without her as best I can. I have started to read again (i.e. non-R-improvement type books, I have pretty much read all the R-improvement books worth reading in the market).
.