Regarding your comments I see many similarities except the time scales are different:
"My whole situation is like yours but at light speed in comparison. My W's anger lasted a couple weeks. She moved out after one month, said she wanted to come back after 2 weeks, took it back, and divorced me in 5 short months from bomb." - This is true. But in my case things were complicated by the fact that my W's slide toward the separation and all that began while she was home on maternity leave with our D. The bomb was dropped on me just before our D turned 1. Caring for an infant while all this crap was going down was difficult for both me and her.
"My current concern is that things seem like they are going better for you after she indicated she'd like to get a D." - Oh, yeah, I dont get it. Just dont get it. What the heck is she thinking? I mean, she is in such a good mood. She acts like she is much lighter in mood now!! But, my response to her declaration to seek D must have surprised her as well. I am usually an intense person but I am being breezy as well. And I am not even pretending. At this point I just dont have any desire to fight it. Not because I dont love my W or anything but because I know that the more I fight it the worse it will get.
"If you know my situation, I always felt like I was making headway only to be informed of a new step on the stairway to D." - believe me, this is exactly my situation except in slow motion. Every time I felt there was hope, I applied pressure, not explicit even, just the hint of pressure and my W took a step toward D. I am now not only not applying pressure I am going to move in the opposite direction. So far my W seems to be pursuing me when I do that.
"So I guess I worry for you that this progress may be a step toward D, but a step towards an improved R as well." -I hope so. In some ways I think my W has had performance anxiety so far. She herself said so when she declared intention to D couple weeks back. She said she tries so hard to convince herself to come back to the M but she cannot do it. Perhaps her thought process has been "I really need to get back to the M" and then she argues against herself and cant make up her mind. Maybe now she has decided to go forward with the D the little voice inside her is fighting that impulse. I don't know. I am trying to stay out of her internal soap opera.
"I didn't know how to keep the good R going while avoiding the D". -hence the title of my thread. If I continue to stay put and be happy or even edge away from her ever so slowly while leaving the door open maybe I can entice her back into the cave. Anyway, you have a ringside ticket to witness this procedure.
"As your R improves I recommend you are careful about how much you let on that you are holding out hope" - Oh, yeah? Look who's talking, you indefatigable pursuer, you.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
