I felt my declaration of a long post on my previous thread title may have dampened enthusiasm to peruse my thread. So here is a more pro-active one. My WAW (separated for 2 years) declared that she sees no recourse but to D and has promised to file in the next few weeks (in June she said). I gave her the recommended "I am not in favor of this but if it makes you happy then I cant stop you" spiel. So, here are my goals in the current state:
0. Act happy, Be happy.
1. Move on in every single way. Apply zero pressure. Do nothing R-wise. Stay still and calm.
2. Be extremely friendly with W at every contact, be upbeat and positive.
3. Continue to pursue GAL activities (training for marathon, tennis, reading, spending time with D3, travel for pleasure- will go see friends). Spruce up wardrobe and look well-put-together.
4. Act as if D is not happening or if it is I am fine with it.
5. Get a lot of sleep and be well rested.
6. get in touch with good friends and enjoy their company, both in person and on telephone.
7. Keep a high profile and goal-oriented at work.
8. Need to add some intrigue (no idea how).
In short, act and feel like the sun shines out of my posterior.
I think most of these are self-work goals. They will stand me in good stad no matter what happens. That should be the only reason to do them. However, I am curious if WAW will go ahead and file anyway even if I appear to have reached nirvana?
Anyway, apropos of Gabriel exhorting me repeatedly to wrestle with whether I want an R with my WAW or the M, I have mulled this over and here it is:
1. I will continue to GAL and be absolutely blissful, living in each moment and enjoying it with Zen-like fulfilment.
2. I will be develop friendliness and unconditionally loving with my WAW.
3. I will be the darnedest best dad my D3 could ever have. This one I dont need to work on. Done.
4. I will seek to make WAW physically comfortable with me.
5. Be an excellent, attentive listener and make eye contact.
6. Have comfortable, confident body language with her always so she does not feel like she has power over me. Keep strong voice.
I have already implemented some of these changes over the last week and I am going to make every effort to keep it up.
I invite any comments and suggestions on this new, imroved, 13.6% more for your money UD.
Thanks all.
UD
Last edited by UD; 06/01/0508:18 PM.
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
They sound like great goals. I too have been apart from my H a long time (3 years) but in an on-off R for nearly the whole time. In fact, we have been in a sexual R AFTER divorce which I am choosing not to do until he commits properly, so there is great hope for you!
Update: I have been keeping up my PMA and the sun doth shine through the orifice. I have noticed that since the declaration of divorce last week she has been quite low. I am going to keep at a level of upbeatness higher than her at all times (Deida). It seems to be the only thing that makes her feel less power over me. When she feels moe power she seems to want to say things that elicit pursuit-type responses from me. This makes me lose my PMA. So, from here on out it is a battle of wits to keep my PMA up. I have stopped all pursuit behaviors. In fact, I am moving in the opposite direction, i.e. making my own plans. I am in the market for a new car (eyeing a Prius) so am going to go out an shop for one. One of things that my W said while setting this slide in motion in '03 was that I was not independent (probably true, for years I had depended on her for too many things), apart from of course attributing features to me that put me slightly below Lucifer in desirability. So, as part of my self-improvement program I am going to take that to heart and act on it.
Take care all, I am waiting for the shoe to drop and be served D papers. I hope it comes with fries
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Cool! You're reading Deida! Which books have you tackled so far? Intriguing isn't it? His writing was a true lifeline for me regarding understanding my masculinity and finding a balanced way to be with W. I had an interesting event in my sitch that I'm posting about regarding this.
A Prius, huh? I'll be looking for hybrid in the next year or two - hoping for a greater variety of hybrid SUV options soon.
Has she started to soften a bit in terms of seeing you more complexly (not all bad/evil)? If not, know that this turn WILL likely happen in the next 2-3 mo if you stay consistent with DBing.
This theme of independent, goal-oriented action is a big one. How might it be enhanced in each of your main areas of function (career, physical health, household, social...)?
I am keeping my PMA up and I am not going to get in down. No way, no how.
Weekend activities - W and I took D3 to gymnastics class (this is standard protocol). We then go get lunch usually. W wanted to go to this summer Art fest downtown (her initiative) and I said yes. It was raining when I got there and we were going to have to park away from the restaurant and walk a ways in the rain. We had an umbrella and everything. But I knew it was going to be a pain with D3 to walk in the rain so I said we should not do that and instead we headed out of town to a quieter place to eat. W appreciated me making that decision ( Masculine points : 1 - made quick decision). We had a good time and then headed back to the art fair. Rain had stopped. This going to art fair is a baby step - W does not usually like all of us to be in public together (cant give appearance of family). W also asked me for suggestions on color etc for sweaters she was buying for D3 from this native American vendor. I indicated my choices (I have talent for painting and do charcoal sketches and have always given my W opinions on colors etc that she respects). She seemed exhausted at the end of it though. D3 was acting up towards the end (it was humid and warm and D3 was getting to nap time). I dont know what the exhaustion is about - the stress of being out in public as "family" (small town, we met many people we knew). Or handling D3, who is quite energetic. Anyway, when we got to her place she asked me to come up and help put D3 to bed - very unusual but she was tired (I will count it as another baby step though).
Sunday morning -started training for my marathon. I am training with two of my graduate students. 9 mile run- very comfortable. I can do a half-marathon easy without training (major PMA booster).
On Sunday, she came over to pick up D3 and she was supposed to stay for a half-hour. She ended up staying for two hours and then asked if I would like to go out for dinner. We went to our favorite Sushi place. I did not pursue however. Did make small talk, complimented her on her dress and her recent shopping adventures. Pleasant evening. Towards the end D3 asked if I could go with them to the new house (we call my place "old house" and hers "new house", just so as not to use the more painful "daddy's place" and "mommy's place"). I side-stepped the question and said I had work to do (NO PRESSURE).
A pleasant weekend and W seemed to enjoy it as well. This dynamic does not seem to be one where D is going to be filed this week, but who the heck knows what subliminal messages my W is getting from Venus?!
In any case, strangely enough, since I have been acting more masculine and keeping my energy and PMA up, my W has been in an extremely flirty, good mood as well. In fact, these accidental touching events have really gotten ludicrous at this point. I mean, do we HAVE to get out hand interlocked when we are handing off D3 to each other. I can picture Jerry Seinfeld saying "And what is with that hand-locking? Enough already". Well, here's to a week of more hand-locking.....and no D papers?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Yes, Deida was a major eye-opener for me. It is interesting that for years I had become an emasculated nice-guy to my wife. I thought that was the way the 90's man is supposed to be. All crap! That is not what my W wants- proof being the state in which our R is. What happened was that my W began seeing me as a weak, yes-man who does not haev a mind of his own. Somebody who depended on her to make him happy. This made her ratchet up the masculine aspects of herself - i.e. focus on career, gettign more serious, etc. My W actually is a very feminine woman (all the pluses and minuses that come with it). I realized that this "sexually neutral" dynamic had depolarized us and made our relationship damp and lifeless. Deida has it right. It is amazing how forthright he is about it and in hindsight it makes perfect sense to me. I have read "Superior Man" and "Intimate Communion". In the latter he talks about how the 50-50 arrangements in relationships makes marriage dull and lifeless. You know, in particular, in academic type circles, this 50-50 partnership gets held up as ideal. All a load of crap if you ask me. Men and women deep down are the same, whether they can do calculus or figure out Greek history or not.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
