Quote: What else might you realistically look for, or ask for, that would give you reassurance right now?
After thinking about this question over the weekend. The answer I've come to is, "nothing". There isn't anything I could look for or ask for that would give me any reassurance.
I've decided it's not possible to work on our marriage. The hurt and betrayal just isn't going away, so I've asked him to move out.
I asked if he could live with his parents through this year, while we utilize the remaining 7 months to pay bills off as much as possible, so there are as few "joint" accounts for us to worry about. Then I'd like to put our house up for sale the start of the new year, and once it's sold, split everything. After this, we'll work out whatever schedule or plan needed to ensure our son is provided for.
My family lives in another state, so I am considering moving there after the divorce, however I'm concerned about how this will affect my son. The distance is very far between states (mid-west to south-east ends of the U.S.) but I really need the support of my family.
He's agreed to everything, so this week we are packing whatever he needs to take to this parent's home.
Thank you for all of your support, especially you, NYsurvivor. It is muchly appreciated. Either I'm not a strong enough person to look past these indiscretions, or maybe I'm just not built, emotionally, to be able to.
I know that you said that you had been doing some reading...had you read "After the Affair"? It may give you some comfort to know that all the hurt and betrayal you are feeling right now is to be expected -- I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings or make it sound like "oh, yah, totally normal", or anything like that. I know what it's like to have your world rocked by infidelity and while I can't know for sure all that you are going through, I can imagine that there are some simlarities to our experiences.
I can't or won't try to convince you to change your mind or even reconsider...I couldn't in a million years pretend to know what's "right" for you or for anyone facing this...you clearly seem very grounded.
I can suggest, though, that we're here for you if you need a journalling place or a sounding board or just plain and simple support or hugs. Seriously.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thank you so much, for your concern and also your empathy.
Things took an odd turn for me last night. After I came home from work, my husband came to me, with his cell phone in one hand. First thing he said was, "I want to show you something, but don't be upset". He then proceeded to hand me his cell phone, with a text message on it that read, "I love you". Then I looked up at him, and he said, "I have no idea who's number that is that sent it, and when I tried to call it it went to voicemail with no name". He then said that it was either a bad joke on someone's part or a mistake. I was incredibly upset, but at the sametime, this odd feeling came over me. There isn't a word for this feeling...it just had to do with seeing him reaching out to me, wanting to build trust with me and wanting me to know everything that was happening.
A bit later, we called the number again. Hilariously, the message ended up being from his son (my step son). His mother had just bought him a cell phone, and he was text messaging his dad to tell him he loved him.
Now I'm so incredibly unsure again. I asked him to stop packing stuff...and that I wanted to give us more of a try. Am I wrong for that? Is it wrong for me to keep pushing him away and pulling him back? I know it isn't fair to him, but I can't help thinking I need to do what feels right to me.
I'm just a heap of scattered emotions, and now I'm wondering if I even have a clue about what is good/right for me!!!
Ah, what a wonderful story on so many different levels!
Quote: Now I'm so incredibly unsure again. I asked him to stop packing stuff...and that I wanted to give us more of a try. Am I wrong for that? Is it wrong for me to keep pushing him away and pulling him back? I know it isn't fair to him, but I can't help thinking I need to do what feels right to me.
I'm just a heap of scattered emotions, and now I'm wondering if I even have a clue about what is good/right for me!!!
Any opinions?
My suggestion? You don't have to decide NOW and you sure don't have to act on the feelings that you have exactly when you have them...IOW, it's completely understandable that you would have highs and lows or ebbs and flows, so to speak, regarding your feelings and even that you would change your mind on a dime.
What if you decided not to decide...not to act right now? But instead spent time with h, doing things that make you both feel positively and as if you are moving in a good direction?
I know "limbo" can be hard to live with but so can making a rush decision and living with the impact.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
This is a tough one. I have been back and forth many times myself - it is really really hard. I'm really trying, but I still wonder as I'm sure you do. But, you are becoming a stronger person.
And I think the fact that he shared the text msg with you is a great sign! He is tyring to be open with you, he knows that is important to do. So although this may be a baby step for H, I think it is a good sign that he wants to open up, he wants to try to make you feel he is opening up, he may be trying to move beyond hiding things - all very good signs. It may be a step he is taking to re-establish trust and open-ness. I know this is really hard, but I would look at sharing the text msg with you as a good step on H's part. Maybe each day you will continues to see a baby step that H is making. And then you will begin to trust a little more each day. Good luck and keep db'ing. In the end it will be worth it because you will become a happier person. Take care.
Quote: What if you decided not to decide...not to act right now? But instead spent time with h, doing things that make you both feel positively and as if you are moving in a good direction?
Very sound advice, Sage...thank you!! I guess I need to toss my usual way of thinking out the window and take things in baby steps! I'm so accustomed to having a goal in sight, and working toward that goal. I'm bad at letting things happen to determine the end result...but I'm going to work on it!!
Quote: I know this is really hard, but I would look at sharing the text msg with you as a good step on H's part. Maybe each day you will continues to see a baby step that H is making. And then you will begin to trust a little more each day.
This is what I was thinking/feeling, Golfer. That my husband is trying to reach out and prove to me that I can trust him again. My husband, like yours, works with the other woman. I think if this weren't the case, the rebuilding of trust might be easier. The fact that he spends 8-10 hours a day with her, and I could sit and wonder/question how many times he talks to her, sits by her, etc.... puts doubt in my head that become destructive. He's been working at finding a new position within the company, away from her. Last night he told me about some opportunities that are out there, and some of the things he's doing to try to be transferred out. This made me feel good again, like the night of the text message. I appreciated how he was reaching out to me, and telling me the things he's doing to change the situation.
I'm feeling much stronger about our situation. I'm sure I'll have my relapses again, and start to doubt and start to wonder, and it's at those moments I need to remember these things, the things he's doing and done to make me feel good about our relationship.
Thank you for listening and responding, Sage and Golfer! I truly appreciate it!!
You are right you will have relaspes, but as H continues to show he is reaching out to you and continues to make positive steps the relaspes will be further and further apart. I think these are good signs. I think it is a good sign that he is looking for a transfer. So next time you begin to dwell on h working with OW. Force yourself to STOP and concentrate on a positive that you and H have had, focus on the fact he is looking for a transfer. Those are positive thoughts that he is making a effort towards your R. Take care and remember the STOP technique. I still have relaspes but STOP does help me as does writing and reading on this site. Take care.
Your emotions sound exactly like mine so I had to respond. I too wanted a divorce, just can't live with the pain. Then I thought, I don't want a divorce so what are my options? If I don't want a D then work on the M.
Someone told me that marriages go through many marriages, maybe as many as 7. Unexpected family member dying, financial troubles, etc. you get the picture. These things even though they can't compare with infidelity, will change the course of your marriage. The course doesn't have to be bad, it can be a positive change. It sounds like your H is willing to work it out, why not try? If you can't make a decision now, then don't. You are not in a race against time. He is still there with you so IMHO, he wants you to stay and he wants the M to work.
I relate so much to your story and I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know the pain but like I said, it has been only been a few months for me and I could not handle my emotions so I forgave. Get this, I even forgave the OW. I didn't want to and I don't feel like it, but I do it because it was the best thing for ME! Do this for yourself and you will be surprised the release you feel. Forgiving your H isn't for him, nor condoning his actions, it will enable YOU to heal.
I don't want to hijack your thread by talking about my situation. I just wanted to share with you some of the things that I've learned along the way in this journey and hope that it may help you.
