Kimiko, it all starts with what you choose to think about. If you dwell on the past, the past will dwell in you.
You have today and all the tomorrows to come. The past is gone, and it can't be changed. If you continue to revisit the past, you will not get over it, you will not move forward. It's a choice you have to make. Decide what you really want: to stay stuck or to move forward. Practice thought control. Look at today's positives. Find the things to love about each other now and build on that going forward.
Are there questions that haunt you? Then schedule an hour a week with your H where you can ask questions and tell him you need to shatter all the walls that existed from the affair so that you can have peace of mind.
Be warned, some answers you may not want to hear, and may hurt you or haunt you for some time.
The environment in which these questions are asked and answered must be a gently non-aggressive environment, where you calmly accept the answers without letting anger make it confrontational. If you do, H will not answer any more questions and he'll probably lie to you so as to not cause you more pain. But when that hour's up, there are no more questions until the next session, because just as you may have a need to know, H doesn't want to be barraged with questions all the time, nor does he likely want to revisit his mistakes, because they bring guilt and pain to you and him.
This can be rough going it alone... why not schedule time with a MC so as to conduct these sessions in a setting where there is someone helpful and impartial to help you both overcome the obstacles that may arise, that could help either of you understand yourselves and your partner better, someone who can offer suggestions and exercises to help you through this difficult charting through the waters.
