I was recently unfaithful to my wife of 3 years. Let me give some background about myself and my situation before I ask for help.
I travel a lot for work. In fact, I am on the road about 3-4 days a week. For the first time ever, I cheated on my wife. Unfortunately, alcohol played a very big role in my mistake. I like to have a few beers, but it has never been a problem of mine. It certainly has never lead me down this dark path before. It was what most of you would call a one-night stand. After a business dinner, I met some girls at the restaurant bar and things progressed. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that I woke up the next morning with a hangover of tremendous guilt and self-abhhoration.
Since then, I have come home to spend the weekend. Understandably, I have really not been myself. I have to leave the room when I feel an emotional onslaught coming on so I don't tip off that anything is wrong. I can honestly say that I have never felt as bad as I do right now. I feel constantly sick to my stomach. I don't want to eat. I cry uncontrollably. I feel completely isolated. The one person, my wife, that I would most commonly ask for advice is the one I've hurt so bad.
Two different thoughts have constantly raced through my mind since the event. First, I don't want to tell her. I know I love her. I know I'll never go down this path again because as I've said before, this is the worst pain I've ever encountered. I know she'll never find out and I'd rather spare her the pain. What she doesn't know won't hurt her right? In other words, I created this awful pain and part of me is prepared to live with this burden if I have to.
Second thought plays counter to the first. It's not my choice anymore. I've given up the right to not tell her because I've already committed the act. It's her right to know this awful thing and make a decision for herself. Even at the risk of losing her, I should come clean out of respect for her.
So, in summation, one side of me wants to protect her from this awful feeling. The other side feels as though I've given up any right to make such decisions.
To make this all worse, we've recently decided to start trying to have our first baby. I'm sure there is some psychotherapist correllation there regarding my timing with this disaster, but I've been unable to figure that one out yet. I really don't want to screw anybody else's life(an unborn baby) up any more than I already have my own. BTW, I contacted a therapist today to get some professional help.
Again, please know that I love my wife dearly and I desparately want to keep this marriage intact. What should I do? How should proceed? What can I expect from her if I come clean?
As a last note, I truly cannot believe that I am here. I am in a place I would have never imagined. I can't stop thinking about how much unknowing pain I have caused. How many people I have let down. Please help me.
