Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

I almost can't believe it. H has really left this time.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. I'm sitting here and I just feel totally at a loss for words. I'm sitting here and I'm stopping to think for about 3 minutes between each sentence. 3 minutes isn't long at all, but when you're just sitting here like I am and staring into space, it seems like forever.

Wow.......H is really gone.

I'm not crying right now. I was earlier and probably will later. My goodness.......this just seems so very unreal.

I don't know where to begin about tonight's....."event"??? Episode??? Ordeal??? I know to start from the beginning, but my mind is a complete blank right now.

So.....ok. H called just before he and the boys got home from mini-golf. He wanted to know if I needed anything. I told him no and thanked him for calling. He also asked again if I wanted him to leave. I told H that I wasn't going to tell him what I wanted. I felt he needed to make his own decision based on what HE wanted, not what I wanted.

H told me that he just wasn't sure, and he was coming around the corner so he'd talk to me more when he got inside the house, but we couldn't really talk because of the kids, so H decided to relax for awhile and play online some more.

We did discuss things here and there when the boys were out of sight. Mainly about how H said he felt very sure this morning that leaving was what he was going to do. H said he felt it was right. He knows that things don't feel right while he's home. H said, "It feels right to be here because this is my home. It feels right to be here for my babies. But it doesn't feel right to be here because I'm not making you happy......I feel like I owe it to you to give you a chance at happiness. Even if it can't be with me......and this is how I really feel. CY didn't influence me at all. He just made me realize how I really do feel."

So H said he was sure this morning about leaving, but the more time he spent at home today, he wasn't so sure anymore. He continued to ask me what I wanted him to do. Did I want him to stay or go, and I kept telling H that I wasn't going to tell him. I told H, "I'm not going to make your decision for you. I don't want to tell you what I want because I don't want you to base your decision on it. You have to decide what YOU want."

I know I'm leaving out a lot. I just really can't think very straight.

So after the kids were in bed, H said he was going to the (card room), but he wasn't sure if he was going to come home or go to (mf)'s after that. H said he felt like it might be too late to go to (mf)'s, so he might come home. But then he said he felt like it would be best for him to just go there. I told him it was up to him.

He was really scared throughout all of this and his head was pounding. He finally took some Excedrin.

H kept going back and forth with not knowing what to do. He kept wanting me to tell him what to do. So I finally told him, "H, if you felt you were sure this morning that the right thing to do was to leave, then you should probably do it. It's going to be very hard, but maybe it needs to be done." I told him if that is what he felt was right, then to just do it and get it over with.

We did cry a bit together, but I actually think H cried more.

So he went in the bedroom and packed his stuff. Just enough to get him through the next 10 days -- he's leaving for AZ then for the last home show there and will be away for about 2 weeks. After he packed his things, he came back in the living room, put his suitcases by the door, and said in almost desperation, "Why won't you tell me to stay?! This is so hard for me to do! I don't know if I can do this!" I told H, "I WANT to tell you to stay, but I CAN'T! That would just be selfish of ME! This can't be about what I want. This has to be about what YOU feel is right and what YOU want."

H came to me and we held each other for a loooong time. H said, "You are the only one who has always been there for me, JV. You are the only person that matters to me. ILY more than anyone -- even more than the boys."

He also said that I am his friend, and he wants to feel that we can be friends all the way through this. Regardless of the outcome. I said I'd like that, too.

........the phone just rang. I know it had to be H, but I just couldn't answer it and now I'm crying .........

Ok....so H said he would call tomorrow morning -- well, I guess it would be this morning now. He wants to take S9 and S5 swimming and then he said he wants to stay here for awhile to watch the kids so I can go do something for myself. H said, "You can go shopping, get a pedicure, a massage, whatever you want. I'll stay here with the kids, and take as long as you want." I thanked H and told him I appreciated that.

So it was getting pretty late, and H was getting ready to go. I will never forget that image of my H holding his cases in both hands and the look on his face. I don't know how to describe it. It was almost as if he was studying me over for the last time even though we'll still see each other regarding the kids, and it was like he wasn't sure but he knew he had to do it.

We hugged each other, and H gave me a few kisses . H said, "We'll get through this. We just have to be strong. We'll be alright whichever way things go for us." I told H I know. He also asked me not to be mad at him for doing this. I told H I am not mad at him. I'm not angry, bitter, upset, or feeling b****y towards him at all. I told H, "I might have been very hostile about 5 or 6 months ago when this all first happened, but not now. Not at all. I know this is probably what has to happen for us." Then H said, "(Sigh)....This makes me feel better about things. I feel like we can get through this. I may just go crazy and want to come back in a month or even 2 days. I don't know. I just know that I want to feel right and I want to be able to clear my head......and I really hope that everything will be better for us in a year from now." I told H, "With or without each other, things will be better for us."

H gave me another hug and kiss and told me he loved me. I just nodded my head "yes". H picked up his cases again and I stood by the door with him. He walked out and stopped to look back a couple of times. Finally H said he'd call me tomorrow and see me then. He also asked me to keep the phone next to me at night. I said alright then we said goodbye. I shut the door, and I collapsed right there.

So......he is gone.......I know it's not the end of the world, and I know it isn't "over" by far........but I just can't believe it actually happened. It really happened this time.

I'm sitting here thinking, just thinking. About how I've told H that there is no such thing as a separation for me. It's either stay for good or leave for good. I'm not really sure how I actually feel about that now. I guess it's just like how I used to tell myself, "If my H ever cheated on me, I'd leave him in a heartbeat." Well that proved to be false......I don't know. I guess I feel like I've come such a long way......so why would I want to stop now?

I'm somewhat calm right now, and I feel like looking at this as H going away for a very loooooooooooong business trip. I think that will help me get through each day until I don't have to think this way anymore -- with or without my H by my side. Hopefully with. And hopefully with a new and improved version of H .

Ok, I'm thinking back and I know I left out quite a bit, so if I'm able to remember more, I'll post it tomorrow. It looks like I should also start a new thread -- and I already have the perfect title for it.

I was considering if I should move to the "Separated" forum, but I think I will hold off on that for now. Although H won't be living at home now, he is still very close (only 5 minutes away), and we are not bitter with each other at all (sorry -- I don't mean to imply that members there are/were going through this like that). This "separation" has started off much more smoothly than I imagined it would.

I do not feel like I'm separated -- yet -- so I will continue to "Piece".

I've got to try and get some sleep now. Thank you for listening, and, (((((((Kim))))))), thank you for being there.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."