IMHO, you seem to be using some of the "last resort technique" advice which is given in the DB book... I would advise you to be careful with your words with your H if you do not plan on following through. There are definitely times where he does not seem to take your words to heart. It is almost as if he is testing you to see if you will truly ask him to leave... Be careful as he seems to be quite manipulative with you...
There are MANY examples of the last resort technique which go into greater detail in the DB book;however, I wanted to share a few ideas with you which might help you a bit with your sitch: *It may be in your best interest to have your H see that you have had an "awakening"... That you are going to move on with your life with or without him... *I suggest that you pull back a bit so he can realize what he will be missing... *Take care of YOURSELF and do things that give YOU pleasure *Appear pleased with yourself and your own life... *Focus on making yourself a better person (call old friends, walk, exercise, hobbies, etc.)... *Do something that will put YOU back in touch with yourself- LOVE YOURSELF! *Try not talking about your marriage with your H for a while...
If your H seems suspicious and says that you seem to be "putting on an act" to try to win him over... Simply say: "This is the new me and I plan on remaining this new person no matter what happens to our marriage".
I know that with my sitch, I needed to make sure that before I chose to move forward with my life, I needed to be able to honestly say: "I have given it my all"... I am now learning to make peace with MY situation in finally giving in to the divorce... (My H was the one who held NO hope for our future together throughout our seperation)... I know that regardless of what I was feeling about our marriage, my H had a different perspective, and I have had to do some serious soul searching to try to understand why he was so unhappy. I realized that what HE wants out of life were undoubtedly impacting his feelings about me and our marriage. I would have loved for my H to realize the importance of our marriage and to feel as if I was #1 in his life again. Unfortunately, because my H allowed his negative feelings about our marriage to fester for so long he was less motivated to work on our marriage than I was. Despite our problems, in my heart I always thought we would be together forever... I am now able to see that my H's "dissatisfaction with life" (and our marriage) has MUCH MORE to do with a stage he is going through with HIMSELF and has LITTLE to do with me... I am sorry for taking over your thread to talk about my H, but I see many similarities with your H's tendency to blame you for his unhappiness.
JV... Try to keep busy... (walk, read, exercise, visit friends) in order not to obsesss about the problems in your marriage. I notice that when I do keep busy, it is a bit easier for me not to feel totally overwhelmed by what is going on in my life. I do believe that you need to prepare yourself for a long journey back to feeling close to your H again... You will need to be more patient than you have ever been before... For myself, I wanted to do EVERYTHING in my power to save my marriage and I knew if it ended in a divorce, at least I can say to myself that I tried all that I could to make things work... I know that at one point I tried to convince myself that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life... But, I just will not let that happen. I know that I will move beyond this eventually and I will be able to reclaim my life... The same holds true for you, JV!!
Keep allowing yourself to feel your feelings... Treat yourself like the warm, caring, strong person that you are! Surround yourself with people who appreciate those loving qualities in you! YOU DESERVE IT!!! I am here for you if you want to talk... -KIM
