Quote: Did you love your H when you first got married?
H asked me this very question last night over the phone, and I couldn't answer it.
He also asked me, "At what point in our R did you fall in love with me? Before we got married and had kids. When did you know that you were in love with me? When did you say to yourself, 'I love this man, and I want to marry him. I want to have children with him and spend the rest of my life with him.' When did you realize that?"
I couldn't answer him.
H said, "Exactly. That's because it never happened. I think we liked each other, and we loved each other because we were very comfortable together. The thought of getting married and having kids was never in either one of our minds. We were just boyfriend and girlfriend, breaking up here and there, getting back together only because I chased you all the time and begged you to come back to me......and then you got pregnant......I f***ed up. I thought I was doing the right thing when I came back to be with you because you were carrying my baby. I should have just stayed away like I originally did. I know that sounds f***ed up and it doesn't mean s**t now, but you and S9 probably would've been better off......I don't think we were ever IN love with each other."
When I think back to our R back then, I believe H is right. I don't think we were IN love. We WERE just very comfortable with one another. I think over time that comfort turned into honest love for one another -- after we M. Maybe H thinks we should have been IN love first. Maybe he's right. I suppose that's the way it usually happens in a "normal" R, and ours was far from it. It was very rocky and full of drama......(sigh)
I do keep a journal. I haven't written in it lately. I've been doing the majority of my journaling here. I've been trying to answer some of the questions you gave me, and it IS very hard. I will try to answer them in my journal, and if I feel comfortable with it, I'll post them here, too.
Sooo......H finally came to the house about 2pm. I had called him this morning after I posted to find out when he would be coming by. At that time he said he would be here at 11am. Anyway, I told him to take what he needed for now and to try not to get his stuff out in front of the kids -- I wasn't ready just yet to tell them. H said, "Don't worry. They won't see a thing."
Before H got here, he called and asked if I needed anything. I told him no thank you. When he arrived, H was all smiles and being very pleasant. I was pleasant, too, but without the smiles. He sat down to eat a sandwich and watched TV for a bit. He did ask me if I still wanted him to leave, and I told him, "I've already told you how I feel. I don't see what other choice there is." H said, "I'll do whatever you want me to."
If only it were that simple.
I didn't say anything and went about my business around the house. The boys were running around in the living room so H told them to play with their GameCube for awhile then he was going to take them mini-golfing. H said he wanted to relax for awhile and play poker online.
It's as if H was "acting as if"! He was cheery and he was keeping light conversation with me. He was playfully joking around and even flirting. He would rub my arm, leg, or back whenever he was near. At first I was pushing him away, but the more he kept at it, the more I accepted it. I am sooooooo confused about all this. I understand he's trying to make peace, but how many more times can I give in? I don't even know if that's what I want to do.
Anyway, before he left to take the boys out, he asked me again if I wanted him to leave, and I didn't answer. H said, "You know what? You're right. I AM afraid to leave. I don't want to leave, but I will if that's what you want. I can go stay at (mf)'s." Then they left.
They should be back soon so I'd better go now.
I really am confused about what to do. I want H to leave, but then I don't. I feel like maybe he does need to go to see if that is the right choice because I know with the way things are right now, it's not right.
Kim, thank you so much for your time, thoughts, prayers, and support. It means so much more to me than you could possibly ever know. You've made me think a lot harder, and you've made me understand that I DO deserve to be happy -- and that is MY responsibility.
Thank you.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
