Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

H wanted me to make arrangements for a sitter last night -- I did just that.

He said whatever he was going to do last night, it would involve me. I was hoping for that, but not expecting it either. Or maybe I was.

Well, just before H got home, I told myself, "This is it. H said he wants to do something with me, and I've told him ok but no poker. If he can't agree to do something that I would like to do just for this one night, I'm not putting up with him anymore. I love him, but I've had it."

So H walked in the door and begins to break down. He was at (mf)'s house talking about what's going on here and how he feels. Another one of our mutual friends (I'll call him CY) was over there as well. H said CY knows the sitch but hadn't said anything to H until now. CY told H not to take it the wrong way but this is how he saw it:

CY told H he is not a man. CY said, "If you're only with her because it's convenient or whatever, because you're afraid to be alone, because you're not sure if you love JV anymore, or because you don't want to disrupt your kids' lives, or because it's a money thing for you, then H, you're not a man. You're a f***ing p***y. You owe her the chance to be happy. You can't keep her to yourself because you're a selfish a**hole. Because you're to afraid to be alone. How do you think JV feels? What do you think all this s**t is doing to her? Did you ever think about her for a minute? I could name 20 guys right now that we all now who would LOVE to be with JV just for the type of person she is. She deserves to be happy, and if you can't be man enough to do what you CAN and SHOULD for her, then you owe it to JV to let her go. You owe it to yourself, too."

H said (mf) told him to just take a break from thinking about everything, and CY said, "It's been what? A couple years now you said? That's too f***ing long. You need to be a man, H. Take it any way you want to, but JV deserves more. She deserves happiness, and if you can't give her that, then let her go."

H said he's been told this before but never in the way that CY told him. He said, "When he mentioned being afraid to be alone, he was right. I am afraid to be alone. I don't want to be alone. Who do I have to go to?.....When CY talked about not knowing if I loved you or not, that was wrong. This has nothing to do with love because I know that I DO love you. JV, you know me and understand me better than anyone else. How could I ever find someone like you again?"

I was trying to keep myself composed. I felt like H was telling me that he hasn't left because he doesn't have anyone to go to -- he's afraid of being alone. I guess if OW hadn't told H to eat s**t, OW might still have been in the picture, and H would have left because he would've had OW to go to.

It also felt like he was telling me that he wants me but not me. Does that make any sense? H wants my qualities but in another form (???).

H also said that CY made him realize just how selfish he really is, and we talked more about how H is still on the fence then he asked me how I felt. I told H that I've been feeling like I've been on the fence for awhile, too. I don't think I was there 3 or 4 months ago, but I am now. I told him I love him and I'd like for the R to work, but it will take a lot more time. Then I told him that I'm also getting tired of being last on his list. I feel like I've been at the bottom for way too long. I even told H that I'm beginning to feel like my feelings for him are shutting down. H said he was sorry.

He sat next to me, put his head on my shoulder, and held my hand.

After a moment, H said, "Well, I'm doing one of two things tonight. I'm either going to play at the (card room) or I'm going back over to (mf)'s to drink. What are you going to do?" I told H, "Well....I don't know." H said why didn't I go with him, and I told him, "I told you earlier that I wasn't up for playing poker, and I really don't feel like drinking." H said alright then went to take a shower.

I couldn't stop thinking about how H told me for the past 2 days that he wanted to do something with me, but why did it have to be poker and/or drinking? Why can't we do something I want for once?

When he got out of the shower, H asked me if I changed my mind. I said, "How about we do something else for tonight? Like go to the city and just hang out. Or we could go out for dinner and a movie. Or we could even just go to the beach and kick back." H looked away and it seemed as if he was biting his tongue. He got dressed, put on his shoes, then came up to me and said, "I'm going over to (mf)'s to have some drinks. You can call me and come over if you change your mind." He gave me a kiss goodbye then left.



I felt like I clearly gave H the opportunity to do something with me. I gave him numerous suggestions of things we could do together. I even suggested going bowling or to a pool hall......But he chose to go do something he knew I wasn't up for. I told him I wasn't.

H chose alcohol and poker over me. I know that I have no control over him, but the choice he made put me over the edge.

I called him about 45 minutes later and told him not to come home. I told him I didn't want him coming back last night because I was probably going to end up fighting with him. H said, "Well, I did invite you to come with me." What a selfish a**hole! HE JUST DOES NOT GET IT.

I again told H not to come home because I didn't want to be near him. H said, "Ok, well, I'll just move my s**t out in the morning then. How about that?" BTW, I could tell he had already had a few drinks.

I told H, "Fine. You do that......I gave you the chance to do something that would make me happy tonight, but you chose to do otherwise. You chose to go drink and play cards over me, H. You really are selfish."

Then he started acting cocky and said, "You don't mean it. You don't want me to leave. You're just mad right now. I'll come home in 5 minutes and we'll go do something."

I told H, "No! It's too late. You left already....you left a long time ago, H. I'm tired of being treated this way. I don't want to do this anymore." H said, "Ok, I'll be there in 5 minutes."

He wasn't taking me seriously at all!!! I started getting loud with him and told him DO NOT COME BACK HERE TONIGHT! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! GOODBYE! He said goodbye and I hung up.

I didn't have anywhere to go so I just went for a drive. I got home a couple of hours later and there was a message from H on the machine that said, "Hello? JV, pick up.....Well, this is the last time I'm going to ask. Do you want me to come home right now?.....Ok.....Bye then."

(SIGH).......I have yet to cry.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of acting as if this will get better. I'm tired of being his last priority. Correction -- his last responsibility. I'm tired of being left behind. I'm tired of his selfishness. I'm tired of being the one who has to change this around. I'm tired of feeling lonely even when he's here. I'm tired of his cockiness. I'm tired of being dumped on. I'm tired of hurting.

I'm tired -- just plain tired.

I have to go get the baby now. H still hasn't come to get his things. No doubt he has a hangover and probably isn't even up yet.

I'm sorry, but thank you for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."