Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hi, cally and Kim.

Geez....I was just rereading my last post, and I really seem to have made myself feel like a victim. That is NOT what I want, and unfortunately last night, I vented to H. I'll get to that in a moment.

I used to tell myself, "H is mighty angry right now. He's upset about this or that, his guilt is only adding to it, but he is NOT upset with me....HE IS NOT UPSET WITH ME." Why did I stop doing that??!! I think it's because of the continuous flow of negativity coming from H, and it has taken its toll on me. It is just so strong and it feels so overpowering. It's there in some form EVERYDAY, and it's so hard to let go of or get away from.....(sigh).....I WILL TRY though.

I don't know. I guess lately I have just been feeling very inadequate. My H is a very social person, and he has to be out doing something all the time. I used to be very social myself, but then the kids came along, and I have always been the one to be at home with them. I feel like everything I do revolves around them. I guess I feel inadequate because what do I have to talk to H about other than the boys? I don't have anything "grown-up" to chat about with H. He asked me yesterday evening how my day was, and when I told him pretty much the same old stuff, he mumbled "hmm". I feel like I'm very boring to him, and I'm sure OW or anyone else he encountered wasn't at all.

Anyway, H got home about 6pm. He said the service call he did involved connecting 8 TVS to the satellite system in a 7000 sq ft mansion -- no wonder he was gone all day . When he walked in the door, I knew he had been working because he was looking very scruffy .

H said he had to go to a couple houses nearby to pick up equipment from cancellations and asked if I'd like to go along, so the baby and I did (S9 and S5 were visiting with MIL).

So we were on our way to the first house and H said, "Seriously, find out what's up with a babysitter on Friday. I want to go to that tournament. It's only a $25 buy-in, and these guys are so lousy, I know you could clean house. I want to go, and I want to go WITH YOU." I didn't give him an answer then he said like he was being cocky, "You want quality time? This is what I do. Work, drink -- even though I want to stop -- and play poker. Love it or leave it." I glared at him and H just smiled back at me. He said, "Damn I'm feeling good right now! Probably because I've been sober for 2 days. That's cool, right?" I said right.

We got to the first house, and the baby and I waited in the truck for H. I couldn't help thinking that I should just leave him. I hate that kind of cocky, uncaring attitude he has. How can he be so callous?

We went to the second house then picked up the boys from MIL's before going home. H had a quick bite to eat and said he had to go to (co-worker)'s house to get some leftover equipment then he would be back home by 9pm so we could watch the movie together before it was due back. I said ok.

I gave the kids their bath then put them to bed. H got back at 9pm like he said he would. He came up to me in the kitchen and handed me a CD. It was Coldplay's new CD. H had asked me in the truck earlier if I wanted it. I told him, "Cool, thanks," and put it down on the counter. I was walking away and he said, "Cool? Thanks?....Whatever then." I was not in a good mood already (I think some of it has to do with PMS, too ) and I turned back around and snapped, "What do you want from me?! Do you want me to jump for joy?! Do you want me to jump on you and say 'Oh thank you! Thank you!'?!" He glared at me and said, "No. Not at all. Maybe just some sort of appreciation. Something more than 'Cool, thanks'. I know if you went out of your way to go to Best Buy and got me a CD, I'd be a lot more thankful."

I said, "Oh really?! How about when I bought you the Sixpence CD a few months ago because you told me about your favorite song on it? And when I gave it to you, you said, 'Oh. Thanks, but I didn't want the whole CD for just that one song.' Did you ever stop to think that I went out of my way to get it for you?!" H said, "So, what is this? Payback or something? Because I didn't want your CD so now you don't want mine?" I said, "No, H. It's not payback. I am happy that you got me the CD, I really am, but maybe you need to understand that I just don't jump for joy about things like you probably expect me to. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it."

I'm trying to remember what happened to start the next phase of the convo, but I'm at a loss . Anyway, H told me that he was never going to open his mouth up to me again because whatever he says hurts me and that's clearly not his intention. He just doesn't know how to say what he wants without it hurting me. I told him to keep talking to me if he wanted to. I would prefer to hear about his thoughts rather than H keeping them bottled up. H said, "Nope. I'm not saying another word. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and we'll go on living this life. Together or not." I said, "Look at what happened when you kept your mouth shut last time." H said, "What happened?" I said, ".....You went somewhere else." H didn't say anything.

I sat down and started crying. I told H I didn't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to feel that he's only here because he's afraid of leaving himself. H walked away then came back in his gym clothes. He tried to pull me up to give me a hug, but I told him no because I didn't want one. I told him I feel like all he has been doing these past few months is purposely push my buttons to get me to the point of telling him to leave so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy. H told me I was crazy. I said maybe but that's how I feel.

I told H I didn't know why he was still here when he's told me time and time again that this isn't the life he wanted. He didn't want the M, the kids, the responsibilities. I told H I didn't understand why he was still here when he's told me so many times that he wanted out and that he feels obligated to have sex with me. He said he was sorry for all that, and he doesn't feel that way about sex with me. I told him the damage is there and I don't know how to get through it. I told him I thought he should leave. H said ok but he still wanted to give me a hug.

I said, "Why can't you just leave me alone?! I don't want a hug!" I moved over to the couch, and he sat beside me. I was crying still, and H told me he was sorry. I told him, "You probably should just go.....I feel like I'm nothing but a responsibility to you. I feel like I am such a burden on you."

H put his hand on my back and just started bawling. He kept saying OMG, OMG. Then after a few moments, H said, "You just made me realize something." He didn't say anything after that, so I said, "I'm right, aren't I? That's how you feel about me and probably about the boys, too. The truth can hurt." He kept crying then he said, "You know that I love them though, right?" I said yes. H said, "You know that I love you, too, don't you?" I started crying again and said, "I know that you care very deeply for me." H said, "I DO love you, JV. I DO. I'm sorry that I'm such a loser." I told him he shouldn't be so hard on himself. He said he was sorry and he just wants to make me happy. I told him, "H, if you're not happy with yourself, how can you expect to make anyone else happy?" He started crying more.

He knelt down in front of me and was trying to get me to give him a hug. He asked me why I couldn't just open my arms up to him. H said I do that a lot. I never realized it before, but he was right. In the majority of our hugs, it's H who has the open arms. I open mine, but only a bit.

I thought for a moment and told him it's because I don't want to feel vulnerable to him again. I feel like if I open myself completely, then he just might hurt me again. H said, "What are you talking about?! I'm not going to hurt you." Well, I don't think he knew what I meant. So I gave H a hug, but it just wasn't there for me.

H left to go to the gym then came back an hour later. I had fallen asleep on the couch since I had NO sleep the night before. He watched some TV and woke me up when he heard the baby fussing. I got up to check on him and then went to bed. H came in right after me, put his hand on my shoulder, and intertwined his leg with mine.

This morning H didn't say a whole lot. He told me about what he had to do today for the last of his work. At one point H was in the living room with the baby and I saw that he was looking at him and crying a little. Then he came into the kitchen and said he'd be back later. I told him alright, I'd see him then.

Gotta run now. Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."