I am glad to hear that my response to your post did not offend you... As I mentioned to you before, I strongly believe that you have NO control over your H... But, you DO have ENORMOUS control over yourself, your response to your H and the initiatives you take with regard to him. IMHO... you do not have to let your H's upsetting behavior upset you. You do not have to be at the mercy of what he does or does not do to you. In many ways, I see you tied to your H's behavior and your feelings tend to be determined by what your H does and says... Perhaps it is time that you "let go" of this struggle... And when I say "let go", I DO NOT mean you stop striving for the goals you want in your marriage. It DOES NOT mean that you should stop taking care of yourself. In letting go, it means that you can stop being anxious about your relationship. You are letting go of the struggle, the panic, the longing for things to be other than they are. Trust that the outcome will take care of itself.
I have learned through seeing my counselor that in order to detach a bit from the situation, it is important to tell yourself: "This really has nothing to do with me." It is most appropriate to tell yourself this when you feel your spouse is doing something to YOU. If he is advising you, criticizing you, ignoring you, being impatient with you, even yelling at you or lying to you... try saying this: "This has NOTHING to do with ME... My H is just being my H, just doing what he does"... A perfect example is: "That is what HE does, he yells when he gets angry... It has NOTHING to do with me!".... Maybe your H is doing what he has ALWAYS done, being who he has always been. If so, can you be more accepting of the qualities you don't like, understanding that they are a part of who he is? His habits , thoughts, attitudes, and behavior are there for reasons that have NOTHING to do with YOU.
Perhaps you can even take the pressure off your H by pulling backward a bit... Try to avoid the accusations and complaints and even appear to need him less. Let there be a bit of "mystery" in your personality with your H. Having a demeanor of self-confidence, mysterious quietness, and independence can be effective in getting your H's attention. Retreat into your own world and stop reaching for him... In doing so, it will change his frame of reference of thinking "how can I escape?" to make him instead wonder: "What is going on? Am I losing her? Have I pushed her too far?"...
JV... please continue to remind yourself that you are a loving, thoughtful, special person who deserves true happiness. I hope that you are having a better day... -KIM
