Hi there, Kim. Thank you for sharing your time with me. I truly appreciate it.
I have to say that reading your response didn't offend me at all. It made me cry. There is so much truth in it, and the truth hurts a lot.
For me, it's very difficult to focus on myself. I do find myself preoccupied with H all day everyday because when he is here, he constantly calls me to complain about everything. He called earlier to vent about how hot he was and how the customer was annoying him. It's so hard to not feel his negativity.
The kids are another thing. I love them to death, but I really could use a break. I mean for like a week and not just a day or two. That's impossible though because although H isn't working, he would NEVER agree to it, and I certainly can't ask my parents or MIL to watch them for that long. They work.
Even though I am M, I feel like I am a single mother. H is out and about doing who knows what while I am here day after day after day. He says he's out working, but for some reason, I don't believe him all the time. When he's going to handle a service call or an installation, he ALWAYS wears old clothes. Well two days ago (and many other times before that), H left with a new pair of jeans on and a nice pullover -- his favorite. Now, if he's going to be climbing into attics or under houses, WHY wear his good clothing?! That stuff bothers me, and I don't say a word to him about it because I don't want to hear his lies. I still feel like he is lying to me about his whereabouts everyday when he's home, and I can't focus on myself because of it.
I feel like my self-esteem has been shot to h*** by him. The pain of everything H has said and done to me throughout the R is still there. I don't talk to him about it because then all I hear is, "Well I remember when YOU blah, blah, blah!!!" I've tried saying things like, "H, when it was said that I decided your life for you, it really hurt my feelings," I heard, "Well YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?!!! You KNEW this and that, DIDN'T YOU?!! But you still did what you wanted, DIDN'T YOU?!!"
You know, I've just had soooooo much on my mind for awhile now -- we all do. Even when H and I have our positive moments, all I can really think about is how he said he never wanted to marry me, he never wanted kids, he would have left me long ago if it weren't for them, he only has sex with me because what other choice does he have, he's told me there's "coldness" in his hugs and kisses for me, he gets angry and tells me "FU then", he's even called me a b**** many, many times if I was "nagging" him (he hasn't in about 10 months now), and he comes and goes as he pleases -- maybe not intentionally, but that's how it feels. God forbid I should be allowed to leave the house and do anything without him because then he will panic and question my every move. For someone who didn't want this life with me, H sure seems to feel safe and secure knowing that I'm always home for him.
What would I like to do with my life? I thought I was doing it. I always knew that I wanted to get married, have 2 or 3 children, and be a SAHM, but I didn't want to raise my kids on my own, and that's what I feel like I'm doing. H takes them out to do things, but that's about it. I feed them, bathe them, help with homework, shop for them, read to them, everything. I know this is what parenting is, but I never wanted to do it alone. I feel like I'm in this alone, and I feel so alone. H used to want to do everything with me. I felt like I used to have all of his attention even after S9 and S5 were born. Right up until I became pregnant with the baby. But I suppose he felt he didn't have my attention, so he stopped giving me his.
I would love to set some boundaries in this R, but I can just hear H saying, "It's nice how I work and make the money around here, but I can't do things my way." No matter how reasonable I try to be, H never sticks to any agreement. Just like when we made the poker night compromise. He couldn't stick to it for even that first week.
I would also love to feel like I was a priority -- not a responsibility. I feel like that is all I am to H, and that's all the boys are, too. He married me, had 3 kids with me, therefore we are his responsibility. Not so much his wife and his family, just his responsibility.
I do think this could be a MLC. Everything just rings true. He is so into his physical appearance. I don't mean his weight. Just how he looks in his clothes. It's not right because he NEVER used to be this way. He's always been into tattoos, but he's had more and more done. He even got his nipples pierced pre-bomb. He's died his hair several times from blonde to bleach blonde to jet black. His hair has been thinning for awhile now, and he's very negative about that. He looks at pics from years ago and will often say, "Damn....I was so young back then. I could have done something different with my life. I wish I did." He's gone through 5 different "chick magnet" cars in less than 3 years, and he's talked about having a tummy tuck done. And, of course, he has blamed me for everything -- the M, the kids, the house, the cars, everything.
Sometimes I wonder what am I trying to save here? It was rocky from the very beginning. Why has it taken 12 years to end up like this? Why couldn't he have been honest with me and himself in the very beginning? I know it's all irrelevant now, but he brings it all back nearly everyday in some way.
I'm thinking about H now and wondering what he's doing right at this moment. He said he had one service call today. If that's the case, then where is he and what is he doing? He should have been back no later than 2pm, and it's almost 4pm now.
I think I'm going to ask my parents if they can watch the boys this weekend for me. I really need to get away from home for a bit. Even if it's only for a day or two.
Gotta go again. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
