Trying to find our way to happiness II

[ValerieA]

Hi, Ellie.

I have told H "ILY" on several occasions where I initiated it. Even when I call him and leave a voicemail, I usually end it with one.

About his phone -- if it goes straight to voicemail (which it did last night) then that means it's off. If it's a reception issue, a message will be played that says, "The customer you are trying to reach is currently unavailable....".

H got home right after my final post last night. The first thing he said was, "My phone died around 9 o'clock. I would've called you if it hadn't."

Now, remember -- I was already mad , therefore I wasn't DBing at all.

I said to H, "You could've used a payphone, right? I know they still have those in the card rooms. They still have them everywhere. And you told me TWICE that you would be home at 9pm. It's 11pm now." H said he NEVER told me he'd be here at 9pm ! He said he told me 10pm! I'm not crazy -- I know what I heard! I said, "Ok well, even still. It's 11pm now." H said, "No, it's 10:49pm." I said, "It's 11pm, H!!" Then he said ok, he was sorry and he should have called. He said he will next time.

Then H said, "Well, my sister called me before it died and was talking about some s**t that's going on with her and XXXX (her friend). She said that XXXX's been -- " I interrupted and snapped, "I don't care about what's going on with your sister! I have enough crap going on in my life right now to deal with! I don't want to hear about anyone else's drama, ok?!" H said, "Well f*** you then!" He started walking out to the garage and mumbled, "I shouldn't have even come home," then shut the door behind him.

He came back inside a minute later and was talking to me like nothing just happened! He started talking about SIL again, and I said, "Didn't you just tell me 'f*** you'?! If you feel like you shouldn't have come home, then by all means leave! It would be so much more peaceful without you here right now." H ran up behind me saying he was sorry and sounding like a kid. He grabbed and yanked me down onto the floor and started wrestling with me.

I think H thought it was all fun and games, but I didn't find it amusing at all. I know he was trying to ease the tension and make peace between us. I believe I deserve an Oscar for my performance of making him feel I was alright after that because I WAS NOT. I let him think everything was ok because I just wanted him to let me go and leave me alone.

We watched TV for a bit then went to bed. H wanted to hold me again, but I said, "No, I want to lay this way tonight (away from H)." He said ok and goodnight.

I had the worst night of sleep ever. The baby kept waking up every hour , and H was laying so close to me all night that I only had about 10 inches in width to sleep on (we have a king size bed). I kept waking up to tell him to move over, and he would, but half hour later, he was back.

H went to El Dorado Hills this morning for another service call.

I just feel like it's going to be one of those days today.

Kim and cally, I want to thank you for your thoughts and words. I will respond in awhile -- the kids are calling me right now. I'll be back.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."